Your fingers are fidgeting. You’re looking at your phone, or your tablet. You want to reach out and just say hi.
What could go wrong?
Actually, plenty.
No contact would have been a huge decision you made, and one that came with its own set of challenges.
Now find yourself relapsing, and you are having to deal with what comes next.
What does come next, and how can you truly deal with it?
I want you to be kind to yourself – and steal some knowledge from me.
Going No-Contact
It took a lot of effort initially, didn’t it? Nobody goes no contact without serious reason to. It can be what’s best for your wellbeing, and the reason you don’t want to make those same mistakes all over again.
Why you go no-contact gets forgotten when you relapse.
What Is a Relapse?
Like a strong magnet, the past pulls you back into it. In this instance – the past is a mess. The narcissist drove you to the point where you couldn’t take any more – and you left.
And now?
The relapse leads you right back to where you were. You fall into the habit of needing them all over again. Wanting to hear from them.
Needing that high.
How to Deal With Any No-Contact Relapse
No-contact takes a great deal of strength. So, when it’s broken, or you relapse, there are going to be all kinds of emotions that may surface from it.
Let’s go through them, one by one.
#1 Don’t Feel Guilty
You must not feel guilty for getting back in touch with a narcissist.
Think about all that time you spent with them. All the ways they manipulated you. All the ways they made you feel bad about yourself.
On the flip side, I want you to spend just a moment (not longer) thinking about all the ways they made you feel amazing: the late-night talking, the romantic texts, the promises that you’ll get married, have a dozen babies, and live happily ever after.
Suddenly, it all went away. You ended up no-contacting with them for whatever reason, and you’ve struggled to move past feeling so low.
It’s common to feel low.
You spent all that time with somebody who controlled your every move, and who had a negative word to say on whatever you did, said, believed or even cooked.
In between all those comments, they had the audacity to pretend to love you. Only you believed them (I mean, they made it so convincing…).
The constant cycle of abuse was non-stop. It left you gasping for breath some days, and others waiting for everything to be happy once more.
Then you went no-contact, and everything felt great. You felt stronger than ever, and more determined than you’ve ever been to make a life for yourself.
Then you relapsed.
The first thing you will feel is guilt. Guilt because you feel as though you betrayed yourself, or maybe guilt applied by the narcissist for you going no-contact in the first place.
However that guilt got there, it got there because you’re a good person with an honest heart.
But let me just tell you, that guilt isn’t your weight to carry.
#2 Understand Why
Understanding why is more than just scratching the surface and thinking about habits and needs.
Go a little deeper.
And yes, it may feel uncomfortable.
But the deeper you go, the more you will learn about yourself.
When you get to the point where it starts to hurt, you know you’re close.
Most people learn that they relapsed because they need all the good things the narcissist made them feel in the love-bombing and hoovering stages.
You’re amazing.
I never met anybody like you.
You’re different from all the rest.
You really know me.
You’re so caring.
We connect so deeply.
We love so many similar things.
I want to be with you forever.
I would never hurt you or lie to you.
Oh, these are wonderful statements and promises, that’s for sure. But they’re untrue to the narcissist. In fact, everything they say they won’t do, they will – and vice versa.
Only it’s not that easy to get your head into that rational headspace. All you recall are their words, but any consistent and warm actions didn’t back them up.
Understanding why you went back is how you understand your attachment style. It might not be what you want to necessarily learn about, but it will provide you with some real clarity.
#3 Check In With Yourself
When you sense a relapse, you can prevent it by looking deeply within yourself. When we look inward, we can see all our needs and desires. Sometimes, they can be so strong that you start to look around you.
Where can I go to feel better?
What can I do?
What can I eat?
Who can I talk to?
You want that temporary fix to feel good again. I know people who relapse half the time aren’t even necessarily wanting to rekindle permanent contact. I know this because of the amount of people who regret it soon after.
They’re looking for that initial hit. The high. The addictive feeling of happiness and, “I have it all, and I am so loved.”
After that, it fades. Because guess what? The narcissist hasn’t changed – so the dynamics slot right back into place.
Checking in with yourself is just a way of saying, “What do I really need right now? Why is this happening? What can I do?”
From these questions come answers, if you dare to really scratch below the surface. Sometimes that proves a little tricky, because the surface has protected you all this time.
But…
Under the surface is something amazing.
It’s the part of you that you can heal and give attention to, without needing the attention of a toxic person.
#4 Look For Signs They Give You
The signs the narcissist gives you are your direct triggers.
When you sense a relapse, thinking about what’s going on at their end. Are they suddenly sending you photos of the moon, knowing you love the moon? Perhaps they’re sending you screenshots of your favorite song lyrics, or food, or drink…
Anything to connect with you again, and mirror what you love to engage in fakery.
You could have all the good intentions in the world of not speaking to them again – until they trigger you.
Remember, the narcissist knows all your weaknesses, and will use them against you whenever they can. They will do what it takes if they want to bait you back.
This is where you have to have all your wits about you.
#5 Be Firm With Yourself
Firmness on the days you want to reach out directly is essential.
No. I cannot do this. I know what happened last time, and I know how they make me feel underneath it all.
I mustn’t allow a moment of weakness to decide on relapsing, especially after all I do to avoid them.
Take a bath, switch your phone off, go on a walk, do some gardening, or call a friend and have them talk you down.
Do things that are good for you to stop relapsing. I say that because so many people turn to less desirable habits, such as emotional eating, drinking in excess, gambling etc.
None of these are going to help you in the long run.
This is about you, and what’s best for you.
