As direct and crass as narcissists can be, it’s not your job to mirror them when you want to catch them in a lie.
In fact, I’d advise you to do the opposite. If you want the truth, you’re going to need to be more subtle as you stand there with your net.
When you’ve caught them, you can brag. Until then, I need you to follow these steps in order to truly catch them in the act. A lie will not live forever!
Initial tip: Do not confront!
The one piece of advice I have to give you to start this topic off is to not confront them.
When you’re digging for the truth, you need to treat it like you’re digging for the finest piece of gold.
You won’t want to bulldoze your way in and cut out huge chunks because you’ll miss it among the debris.
You want to take a fine tooth comb and work your way through gently, so you are far more likely to get what you want.
In this case, it’s the truth, but it may as well be framed as gold as it’ll be just as valuable.
Confronting the narcissist will cause a huge surge of self-defense.
They will see what you’re trying to do, and will work overtime to cover their tracks and blame you for being too pushy, or too invasive, or too sensitive, or too jealous.
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Lies are second nature
That’s the thing to remember when you’re working to catch a lie from a narcissist. Even when they’re caught red-handed, they will still try to worm their way out of it.
It’s tricky when they treat lies like a walk in the park.
They’ve got no morals.
They’ve got no shame.
So lying to you will feel natural to them, even though you know they suck and ruin relationships.
Ask them to repeat the story a while later
First things’ first, if you want to know if what they’re telling you is a lie, ask them to repeat what they’re telling you now, a while later.
Something simple and off the cuff such as, “You know earlier when you mentioned XYZ? Did you say that you arrived late?”
You can even joke that your memory isn’t what it used to be to save them the hassle of gaslighting you.
When you ask them to repeat a story, you’re asking them to recall a lie that they possibly made up on the spot.
When people make things up in the moment, they may not care what they’re saying, as long as the excuse is good.
If they change the story, you know you’ve caught somebody whose latest talent seems to be their inconsistency with their words.
Bingo!
Stay neutral even when you know they’re lying
So, you ask and they deliver. They deliver lies. You want to yell and scream that you know better.
You’ve caught them. Finally, you have one up on the narcissist, and you cannot wait to frame them!
Just hold your horses. Don’t jump into the fire that you’ve built.
The key is to hold onto your neutrality. Be the person who believes that the calm approach is the best approach, and you will be able to gather more evidence or information than if you were to press self-destruct.
You’ve got this far, it’s just not worth blowing up too early and wrecking the hard work you’ve done for yourself.
Ask for specifics
I love this part of watching a narcissist out!
Picture the scene. You’ve just got into a conversation with a narcissist about why he will be late home from work tomorrow.
They’re telling you about a very important meeting, and that the whole team has to stop every week once a week for the next two months to fix a contract issue.
You ask them:
What kind of contract is it?
Who will be there?
Why can’t it be done within office hours?
What will you be doing every week?
Remember what they said, and ask them how it went when they got home. And hey, you’re just being an interested, caring and supportive partner, right?
You want to be there to listen to their stressful days.
Next week, do the same. Ask them how the contract is going, and what developments there are.
Use the opportunity to get to know the lie, and become friends with it. That way, it wil help you out when you need to catch them.
Oh, did I say the contract was for a client in Japan? I meant Denmark. We have so many things going on at the moment, I can’t even think straight.
I know I told you that we talked about it in the morning meeting, but we still need to meet up after hours to get it sorted.
Slowly yet surely, the cracks will appear as if by magic, but actually, no magic exists. It’s really the inconsistency of the narcissist’s lies that inevitably catches them out.
Mirror their words back
“I didn’t get to check my emails yet.”
Right, so you haven’t checked your emails.
“I know who you’re talking about, but we’re just friends.”
Okay. You’re just friends.
Echoing the narcissist this way will almost shine the lie right back into their faces. You’ll be so shocked how this makes them really quite uncomfortable.
While they’re not the ones being lied to, they’re getting the discomfort you’re getting in return, and they won’t like it.
Is there a reason why you’re repeating everything I’m saying?
Is there a reason why you’re so sensitive to the way I am talking?
It’s a different level of psychology, but I assure you, it works. And we’re looking at innocent ways again, we’re not looking to get into conflict, or raise our voices, or accuse anybody directly of lying.
You must stick to that approach if you want to get far with this.
Watch their reaction, not their answer
As always, the reaction of the narcissist will tell you everything you need to know about whether or not they’re lying. People with nothing to hide have no emotional or defensive barrier between you and them.
Narcissists will.
The wide eyes, the pseudo-surprise, the quick blinking as they try to think of an excuse that will sound believable..
It’s all pretty funny to witness, but once you see it all, you won’t be able to unsee it.
Never really listen to what comes out of their mouth. Instead, watch how they act with you.
It will tell you everything that you need to know.
If you can do that, you won’t even need to play detective. The clues will present themselves to you as you casually sip your tea without even muttering a single word of conflict.
It’s satisfying to catch a narcissist in a lie, and even though they will attempt to talk their way out of it, you know better. You know how to play the game the long way, not the obvious way.
And you know what? It feels good to be in charge for once! Make the most of it.
