Meeting a narcissist will offer you a very different person than who you will end up seeing in the end.
If you have gone through an entire cycle with one, you’ll know exactly what I mean. If you’re still stuck in it, this topic is for you.
Knowing the last version of the narcissist you’ll know at the end of your time with them will be who they were all along. Sometimes, we all need to go on that journey to discover the truth.
The key once you know though, is to heal from the expectations you had, and grieve the hope you placed upon them all that time.
It all starts at the beginning
Just like anything! But here’s the thing; the beginning of a relationship will set you up for the rest of it. You’ll learn what to expect, and what may take you by surprise.
When you first meet a narcissist, you won’t know that about them. It won’t even cross your mind that you’ve met somebody so capable of hurting you and destroying your life.
It will just feel perfect, and I can’t say be perfect, because it’s not. But sure, it will resemble perfection.
That’s what you’ve always wanted, too. You’ve wanted to share your life with somebody who shares your desires and wants the same as you.
And the way they make you feel so safe and special, well, it sets the scene.
The mistake made
Jump forward to a place where you can reflect on those initial moments and you’ll probably feel embarrassed that you allowed yourself to believe the narrative.
It’s not your fault.
You were set up to.think this person was somebody who they really weren’t.
The lies that you were fed were promises of love and adoration. You saw the spark in their eyes as they watched you.
You felt your heart dance, knowing they were in love with you.
It felt perfect. And the person who invented all of that seems just as perfect, didn’t they?
At the time, you don’t understand the mistake you made in believing who they presented as.
In good faith, you took them for face value and built a life and many hopes around what you saw and felt.
How many of you can relate to that? Just knowing all of this should at least make you feel far from alone.
The change of persona over time
It’s subtle, for sure. If it were obvious, the majority of victims wouldn’t stick around long enough to be victims!
There’s something about narcissists that tricks everybody over a long time. For them, getting what they want isn’t a sprint, it’s a marathon.
I blame the people on the side, cheering them on and intermittently handing them water!
Those are the people the narcissist fools the most. The ones who will always remain loyal, no matter what they hear or see.
For everybody else, there’s work to do to make sure everybody falls in line, and falls for the fakeness.
Over time, the shine will fade, and I’ve compared this to fool’s gold in the past. Initially, the package is bright and attractive.
This is nothing but a thin layer of delusion, as soon enough it will wear off and reveal a dark, dull mass.
And it’s confusing. After all, this isn’t what you signed up for. You signed up for love, passion, trust and a future.
You got nothing but a toxic dud.
Was it you?
I think you could ask every single victim of narcissistic abuse, and they will admit to at some point believing it was all their fault.
I just couldn’t get anything right.
I tried so hard.
I wasn’t good enough for them.
They always picked out the mistakes I made.
Whatever the answers, it will not be a reflection of the narcissist, and will instead be about themselves.
That’s where it’s totally wrong. And as much as it might pain you to admit it, you were with somebody who really didn’t care about you at all.
That’s why they allow you to be lost without being willing to help you retain your personality…
…Because they don’t want you to be aware that you’re losing yourself.
Grieving what never was
So this is the real person you met on that first day you locked eyes with them.
This is the real character behind the smile that caught your attention across the crowded room.
And I totally get it, the mask is strong. It’s convincing. It has everybody fooled.
You just think that’s who they are, you don’t assume there’s a darkness lurking behind it that will eventually use and abuse you.
When you’re treated like this by a person who initially declared nothing but love for you, there has to be a period of time where you grieve what you never had.
You grieve the person they presented to you, because it was fake and temporary.
Grieving isn’t just about remembering a person who has died, it’s about recovering from something you lost that you loved.
That can be an idea, or a person who has now become a part of your past.
There’s a gap where your future should be. There’s pain where you thought love once blossomed. But there has to be one thing you always remember when you’re feeling your lowest:
You are capable of loving and being loved by somebody who is emotionally regulated.
When you realize that, you open up your future to the possibility that you will someday find it.
Reassurance needed, and given!
It’s what a lot of victims of narcissistic abuse look for, and I’m only too pleased to offer it.
Reassurance that you met a person who was willing to play games with you in order for you to stick around will help you recover.
And I understand. It felt so real, it felt as though you really had something special. It felt like you could tie a forever bow to it.
When you feel low, like you don’t know what to do to get out of the hole of sadness you’re in, remember the person who they really were, was the person they were at the end.
How they treated you, the version that didn’t care if they switched their phone off when you needed them the most. The person who ignored your boundaries.
The person who criticized you and told you that you were dumb or useless. The person who cheated on you.
It all has to mean something, and if you can take away a single message, let it be that their treatment of you is a reflection of them, and not you.
Their treatment contains all the evidence you need to confirm that you were dealing with a narcissist; a person who will leave you and go and do the same thing to another unsuspecting victim, and who also did it before they met you.
Their lives are miserable, and is nothing but a long game of rinse and repeat.
I know, and so do you, that you can do much better.
And you will.
