Knock, knock. Who’s there?
Not the narcissist, with a joke like that, that’s for sure.
They’re more into tearing you down and making you look dumb then passing that off as something to laugh about, but we all know these aren’t jokes.
They’re mean, but this is what you get with toxic people like this.
It’s time to show you how narcissists use jokes to tear you down.
Oh you’re so silly… not
Let’s get in a little disclaimer first, shall we? It’s not often I do this, but today, I need to.
You become the butt of a narcissist’s joke, but that doesn’t make you silly, or a joke in general.
Being torn down by a narcissist is a classic move they make to shrink your personality and confidence.
It works for the majority of victims, who tolerate it time and time again.
But nobody should put up with this. You are not silly.
This is about control
When somebody makes you feel a certain way, what’s really happening?
If you’re a little stuck on the answer, read the first 8 words of that last question again.
Somebody is making you feel a certain way.
Why?
Because they’ve got control over how you feel.
That control isn’t really that noticeable or conscious in your mind, it’s just a part of the relationship dynamic you’ve grown accustomed to. But let me say, it’s pretty bad.
Nobody should be in charge of how you feel or how you react, but for the narcissist, they get to pull those strings whenever they ‘joke’ and hurt your feelings.
It’s not fair to you, but the narcissist will love knowing they’ve been able to be that powerful… again.
Here’s how it works
Wow, are you really going to eat all of that?
Look at you. I thought you were buying a new dress, not a new night shirt.
Did you follow a recipe for this chilli or just make it up as you went along?
There. Right there, the seed is planted, and you feel a rush of heat fly up to your face. That’s embarrassment mixed with a little bit of hurt.
You react.
What do you mean? That’s not nice.
Do you not like the dress?
Does the chilli not taste good?
The narcissist smiles, and tries to reassure you in their sickly way.
I was just kidding.
God, can’t you take a joke?
Why do you have to take everything so personally?
I was just trying to make you laugh.
Sorry… on what planet are any of those comments supposed to be remotely funny?
The hurtful thing is framed as a joke, and when you don’t laugh or push back, they will turn it around on you.
Then comes the gaslighting
It went the way they had hoped and planned. These little pockets of opportunities narcissists get to be a total tool, and they take every single one. As you fall into the trap of this latest game, the gaslight sparks up.
You’re so sensitive.
I can’t even joke around you.
Why do I even bother?
Somehow in all of this, they’ve managed to come out looking like the victim, and portraying you as the bad guy. All because you couldn’t take their ‘joke.’
What were you supposed to do, laugh along and say yeah, your chilli tastes like crap, yes, your dress looks like a sheet, sure, you’re going to house all that food because you’re a tank.
Come off it.
You know how this works, though. You’ll feel bad about their attempt to ‘make you laugh’ and you’ll regret reacting in a hurt way.
Who is ever going to react well to digs?!
I think you’re normal for reacting the way you would to one of the narcissist’s jokes.
They’re designed to tear you down so how do they expect you to act?
Your reaction was normal, and it’s how the vast majority of people would respond, but what the narcissist wants you to think is that your response was ridiculous, and that you are not normal.
This feels like you’re being torn down even more, right?
Like a vicious cycle.
The reason they do it is to…
It’s pretty simple. They want to make you feel small. There’s no before or after here, it’s just a case of you need to feel like crap about yourself, and this is the easiest, quickest, and most direct way for them to make that happen.
As a result, the narcissist will avoid all accountability, leaving you questioning your own feelings.
It feels somehow like you caused it, like it’s your fault when it really isn’t. And seeing you react so uncomfortably will feed their need for superiority.
They know they’ve been able to climb above you in the rankings of the relationship, and tear you down in a way that satisfies them.
‘Jokes’ erode confidence
Whether you see it or not, jokes are really all about the erosion of your confidence.
As much as they claim your dress is actually fine, you now can’t wear it because you think it makes you look like you’re about to go to bed.
You don’t want to make the chilli again because you don’t want another reason for them to pick at it and tell you that it’s not quite right.
You begin to think you’re just a bad cook, and you start to buy in more ready-made meals so you can’t go wrong.
Your confidence tanks, and you aren’t the person you used to be. That’s hard for you, because you are literally watching yourself fade away and become much of nothing.
All because they have ‘joked’ with you one too many times.
If you see it, stop it
The best way to handle this kind of treatment is to stop it in its tracks.
Did you mean to be rude?
I think you need a new joke book.
I would have placed money on you trying to insult me but failing to actually do so.
You won’t tear me down, no matter how much you try.
Call them out immediately, and they will say that you can’t take a joke.
That’s when you remind them that jokes are supposed to be funny, and that they’re not.
Stay calm, and let them
With a little shake of your head of disapproval, you can refute any attempt to try to tear you down by remaining calm and letting them say what they want to say.
That’s not to say you can’t question it afterward, and I hope that you do.
You know what else I recommend?
Leaving.
If the ‘jokes’ happen too frequently, what are you even staying for? This person clearly has no regard for your feelings and will keep attempting to hurt you for as long as you allow it.
That’s here you have to realize that you actually have more control than you think you do, and any way you can free yourself from it, you should.
These people are not here to mess around. They want to cause pain. They can only do that with permission.
Do hold it back, and let them go.
