Happy Birthday to you…
Okay. I won’t sing. But it is your day, and you need to feel special. The narcissist isn’t going to do that, and this time it has zero to do with their moods.
This time, they sabotage it in another way…
…By insisting that you finance your entire birthday yourself without even realizing it.
Here is how they do it.
#1 The ‘generous’ narcissist?!
We all know there is a generous side to every narcissist, but I prefer to call it pseudo-generosity.
After all, it isn’t real and usually only shows itself when the narcissist wants something. ‘Something’ can look like:
- Looking good to other people
- Winning you over
- Wanting a favor later that day
- Holding it against you that you accepted their generous offering
- Showing off how much money they have, both to you and others
The rest of the time, narcissists are tight with their money, refusing to spend a dime, even when they know they need to.
For you, that is where your birthday can roll around, and without even realizing it, you’ve financed the entire day, gifts and dinner included.
The all-inclusive birthday! Not exactly what you were hoping or expecting, I’m sure.
#2 Wallet-opening guilt tactics
I just don’t even know if I can afford anything else this month.
I get the bills, the shopping, the mortgage.
It’s hard for me until pay day, but I really wanted to treat you.
Why don’t you treat yourself? You deserve it!
These comments scream narcissism, but also scream, “Well, I had zero intention of buying anything for you anyway.”
What a way to make you feel not wanted.
If the narcissist’s tactics make you open your wallet through feeling some kind of guilt, then they know they’ve gotten away with not.spending anything on you…
…Once again.
#3 “I didn’t know what you wanted”
Okay, that might be fair enough, but is there anything wrong with asking a person you’re supposed to care about what they’d like for their birthday?
Better yet, ask them to make a list and you can pick what you’d like to buy them from it.
Narcissists know that these things are an option in life, but doing so would actually make them be kind and nice, and we know they suck.
It’s the worst trick in the book to suddenly become so dumb and clueless to what their partner wants on such an important day, and in hindsight, victims often say they wished they had shouted:
That’s because you didn’t ask, you asshat!
At the time, they didn’t. They push it away and even comfort the narcissist.
It’s okay! Honestly.
The thought was there.
I know you struggle knowing what to get.
These responses encourage the narcissist to feel pleased that they didn’t bother getting you a gift that might have some meaning behind it.
And there you are, walking into the store, seeing that gift you thought you’d hinted so much on, and getting it yourself.
You sigh and paint on a smile. It’s just easier, right? It’s better to know what you want and just get it for yourself, rather than rely on the memory of a person who says they care about you to reach out and do it.
This is where victims of narcissistic abuse quickly learn through programming that they have little self-worth. The more this happens, the more that belief is deepened.
#4 Thoughtfulness is notemotional manipulation
If somebody were to be polite to you, even thoughtful, would you ever think it’d be a form of emotional manipulation?
Those who love, give. Those who give with love, do so without any condition or favor wanted at a later time and date.
Giving somebody you love or care about the present they want is done to make them happy and bring joy. There’s literally no other reason.
Because narcissists are so wrapped up in themselves, they don’t see this joy, nor do they want to offer it to anybody else.
There should be no gooey shows of emotions; just the manipulative game of getting you to do it by yourself.
Hey, if you want it, you buy it.
#5 Your birthday, your expense
Wait, that doesn’t sound fair at all, does it? Yet your standards will be so low, that you won’t even mind paying out for your own gift.
To know that a narcissist could have got out and found you the perfect gift, to only be out yourself looking for the very thing you want screams to me real sadness.
Just for one moment, humor me and picture it the other way around.
You didn’t get the narcissist a thing for their birthday, and instead, they’ve been forced to go out with their own money and find something.
Do you think for one second they will be happy about it? Not only will they never let you live it down, they will use it to punish you for as long as they’re able to get away with.
It will trigger every part of them that doesn’t like themselves, and push them to face the fact that they weren’t remembered. In a world where that just isn’t acceptable, you would likely find yourself single.
#7 Reclaiming your self-worth…
Your self-worth has many dents in it right now, and I am not surprised, seeing as you have spent all this time with the narcissist making you feel small and irrelevant.
That’s why they do things like forget your birthday gift and trick you into financing a gift yourself.
Without even realizing it, you have told them that it doesn’t matter, and that you really don’t mind.
When you tell them you don’t mind, you’re telling them that you agree; they don’t matter.
It’s time to reclaim that self-worth and see it for what it is: a form of financial abuse.
Money is being held back and purposely not spent on you on such an important occasion as your birthday is really not cool, yet typical of the narcissist.
# 8… and your wallet
I’ll end it with the following thought I want you to keep with you:
Why should you go out and spend your own money?
Birthdays aren’t supposed to be selfish occasions, but if somebody tells you they love you and can’t wait to spoil you, while conveniently not even bothering to get you a single thing, there has to be something pretty wrong.
And that wrong isn’t you.
Your wallet matters, as I am sure you make it matter when you are out buying a gift for them.
You put love and thought into what you’re looking for. You put your heart into making it just right for the narcissist, but in return, you get very little, if anything at all back.
It’s a big trick.
A narcissist wants to keep hold of their money, and see you as the easy ride out of spending any on you.
They know they’ve got you in a good place as far as they’re concerned.
Spending your own money gives them the last laugh, and you the lowest standard.
