8 Ways How Narcissists Treat Their Exes

Last Updated on January 31, 2022 by Alexander Burgemeester

Have you just broken up with your narcissistic partner and can’t seem to stop thinking about them? You know the relationship was destructive and unhealthy, even though you may want to get back together.

You know that it wouldn’t be in your best interest. So instead of cutting ties completely, you wonder whether you can be friends with your ex. 

Remaining friends with your narcissistic ex-partner is something you’ll need to consider carefully because narcissists are complicated people.

You are well aware that they mistreated you when you were together. The question is whether your ex-partner will treat you any differently now that you’re no longer together. Keep reading if you want to find out how narcissists treat their exes. 

Can You be Friends With a Narcissist Ex?

Can You be Friends With a Narcissist Ex?

That answer depends on the type of person you are. Here’s why…the reality is that narcissists suffer from mental health issues. Deep down, they are hurting souls and not the cruel calculating individuals they’re perceived to be.

You probably know this which is why you’re thinking about remaining friends with your narcissist ex. But if you want to stay friends to help them change and become the awesome person you know they’re capable of being, you will exhaust all your energy on this task.

Because as far as the experts are concerned; narcissists have dark personality traits, lack empathy and narcissists rarely change. On the other hand, if you’re aware of this, and changing the narcissist isn’t your motivation, you just know they need a real friend in their life, then go ahead.

But you need to know it won’t be a normal post relationship friendship, you can’t give the narcissist full access to your life or they’ll destroy it. If you can tolerate the emotional rollercoaster that will come with maintaining a friendship with a narcissist, then go ahead. 

Why Does the Narcissist Want to be Friends With an Ex?

There are several reasons why the narcissist wants to be friends with an ex, here are three of them:

The Narcissist Wants to Keep the Door Open For Sex

Obviously, the narcissist isn’t going to tell you this, but eventually, they’ll try and sleep with you. You won’t see it coming, it will be a very strategic, and calculated move, and they’ll wait until you’re at your most vulnerable to attack.

The moment you’re down on your luck, the narcissist will use the hoovering tactic to suck you back in. They’ll start being overly nice by buying you gifts, and taking you out. With every transaction, they’ll claim they only want to see you happy.

But once the narcissist gets you into bed, they’ll ghost you which will reintroduce you to the same cycle of narcissistic abuse you’ve just escaped. If you know you’re not mentally strong enough to remain friends with a narcissist, don’t do it. 

The Narcissist Wants to Control You

Narcissists thrive off being in control, when you were a couple, they got a kick out of watching you ask, “how high?” after instructing you to jump.

But now you’re gone, the narcissist misses the ability to control you. The only way they can gain access to you again is through friendship, so the narcissist will do everything possible to make that happen. 

The Narcissist Wants to Play Games With You

Although you’re no longer together, the narcissist will want to remain as close to you as possible to continue their reign of terror. They miss those sick games they once played with you, and the narcissist wants to maintain this.

Even as a friend, they’ll play the same games they played when you were in a relationship such as revenge, playing the victim, triangulation, and gaslighting.  

8 Ways How Narcissists Treat Their Exes

8 Ways How Narcissists Treat Their Exes?

Many Narcissists don’t treat their exes well, especially when they refuse to come back. Here are nine ways a narcissist treats their exes. 

#1 They Sucker Punch You

Hopefully, you’ve never been punched in the gut before, so you don’t know how it feels. But basically, it’s a low and painful blow that knocks the wind out of you and may take you out of action for a few hours.

Well, the narcissist will sucker punch you, but they’ll do it emotionally. They’ll seek out your biggest weakness, insecurity, or they’ll touch on something they know will really hurt you, and they’ll go all out with it.

Reading Suggestion: How to take control away from a Narcissist?

Even though you’re no longer together, the narcissist wants you to remain broken, and they’ll do everything they can to bring you back down to the level of inferiority they believe you’re supposed to be at and stay at. 

#2 They’ll Invade Your Space

No matter how many times you tell your ex-partner to stop contacting you, they’ll keep showing up. They’ll text, call, send you emails and flood your DMs with their foolishness. They want to keep in touch with their exes to keep them under control.

The narcissist isn’t concerned about the rejection; in fact, they don’t mind it at all. The plan is to keep you within reach. As long as you’re responding, that’s all that matters. 

#3 They’ll Remind You How Weak You Are

A classic strategy narcissists use to keep their victims under control is belittling them. When you were together, they’d say things like, “you can’t do anything without me.

What would you do if I wasn’t here to support you?” After hearing statements like this all the time, you eventually start believing it, and your self-esteem suffers.

But, of course, things haven’t changed now that you’re not together anymore. The only difference is they’ll resort to telling you that your weaknesses are the reasons why you’ll never find anyone to love you as much as them. 

#4 They’ll Keep Trying to Sleep With You

It’s no secret that narcissists are good in bed, and they know this. One of the reasons they get away with so much abuse is that the makeup of sex is always mind-blowing.

Reading Suggestion: What is narcissistic Supply?

So you can expect your ex to start sending you steamy text messages to remind you of how good the sex used to be. 

#5 They’ll Blame You For The Break up

Regardless of who broke up, it was your fault. If your narcissist ex discarded you and just disappeared one day, it was because your behavior was so intolerable, they had to get out.

If you left because you could no longer handle the cycle of abuse, they only treated you that way because your actions forced them to.

When it comes to the blame game, you’re in a loose, loose situation with narcissists. 

#6 They’ll Spread Lies About You

Narcissists have got a reputation to uphold, when the relationship comes to an end, the last thing they need is for their ex to start trashing their name.

So they’ll get in there first. Then, the narcissist will go to all your mutual friends, and if they’re really brave, your family members and start telling them how much of a terrible partner you were and how they suffered at your hands.

Whether they believe the narcissist or not is irrelevant, they’ve sown a seed of doubt so that when you do tell your side of the story, they’re skeptical. 

#7 They’ll Blackmail You

When you’re in a relationship with someone and think you can trust them, you might feel comfortable enough to send them nude pictures.

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When you hit the send button, you never thought the photo would be used against you in a million years. But this is one of the narcissist’s weapons of mass destruction. They’ll collect incriminating evidence about you, and when they need to, they’ll use it against you.

In this case, since you’re saying you don’t want to be friends anymore, he’ll remind you that he’s got something on you that could destroy you.

Then, since narcissists love using shock value, they’ll text you in the middle of the night with the photos with a caption that says something like, “what do you think your social media followers would think if a picture like this got leaked to them?”

You won’t hear anything else after that, the narcissist will leave you to think about it for a couple of weeks, then call you back demanding that you remain friends. Creepy or what! 

#8 They’ll Use Verbal Trickery

The narcissist will assess the situation to see which direction they need to take to worm their way back into your life.

One of the things they’ll do is use verbal trickery to convince you they’re not the same person. Here are some of the statements you can expect your narcissist ex to make:

I’m Going to See a Therapist

The narcissist knows full well they’re crazy, and if you left, they know that you know. So to fool you into believing that the contact won’t be the same if you remain friends, they’ll say they’re going to therapy to work through their issues.

Typically, people who seek professional help do so because they have a level of self-awareness that’s given them insight into their mental and emotional state.

Reading Suggestion: Are Narcissists Happy With Themselves?

They see a therapist because they’ve got a genuine desire to improve their lives not only for themselves but for their friends and family members.

The narcissist has no interest whatsoever in changing. The only reason they’ve mentioned therapy is to manipulate you. 

You’ll Never Find Anyone Like Me

The narcissist will attempt to convince you that they’re the best lover you’ve ever had.

Not only were they kind, caring, giving, and compassionate, but they gave you the best sex of your life. After that, in a typical narcissistic style, the conversation will switch to you’ll never find anyone to love you as much as they did because you’re too flawed.

Instead, you should be grateful that someone accepts you as you are, and how dare you even think you can find someone better. 

What’s The Problem With Being Friends? 

The answer to that question is EVERYTHING! The narcissist will try and convince you that there’s something wrong with you for not staying friends.

They’ll try and convince you that your friendship would be perfect, you might not have worked out as lovers, but you’d sure make the best of friends.

They’ll use this opportunity to butter you up and tell you how awesome you are, that they’re still in love with you, and if you can’t be lovers, they’ll settle for just friends. DON’T FALL FOR IT! 

They’ll Threaten to Kill Themselves

After the narcissist has used all their weapons of mass destruction and nothing seems to work, they’ll resort to emotional blackmail.

I don’t take suicide lightly, so I advise you to seek professional help if it ever comes to this. However, research suggests that when a person is going to kill themselves, they don’t talk about it; they just do it.

Reading Suggestion: The Narcissist Discard phase

So if your narcissistic ex-partner calls threatening to take their life, they’re more than likely pulling your bluff in hopes that you’ll feel so sorry for them and be so worried that they’ll actually do it, you come running back.

So whether your ex is serious or not, please don’t fall for it. Instead, refer them to a counselor, and keep it moving. 

Do Narcissists Care About Their Exes?

If narcissistic partners don’t care about their lovers, what makes you think they’re going to care about their exes?

Narcissists are vultures, they don’t want anything from anyone other than narcissistic supply, and if you’re not giving it to them, you’re of no value.

Studies prove that people with narcissistic personality traits, maintain contact with their exes because they’ve got something to gain such as sex or resources like money. 

Do Narcissists Want Their Exes Back?

Do Narcissists Want Their Exes Back?

Yes, and not for the reasons a normal person would want their ex back. There are two scenarios in which a narcissist wants their ex back.

The first is if the other person left. After years of abuse, they realized they were in a destructive relationship and harmed them, so they left. This enraged the narcissists because narcissists don’t get dumped.

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They’re the ones who do the dumping. But it runs a lot deeper than that. Narcissists are psychologically damaged people. Deep down, they’re terribly insecure and the bravado they exhibit is nothing but a mask to cover up how they really feel.

So when someone walks out, what it really says is that they’ve been exposed for who they really are. Their partner saw past the mask, realized they were flawed and left. This is a terrible blow to the narcissist’s self-esteem, and it will activate narcissistic rage.

Narcissistic rage is not like normal anger, it’s an uncontrollable and subconscious desire to lash out. In this scenario, it will manifest by doing everything in their power to get their partner to return, so they can get their revenge and end the relationship. 

The second scenario is that the narcissist left. They had bled their partner dry of all the narcissistic supply they had and left when they had nothing left to give.

The only reason why they would want their ex back is that they know they’re an easy source of supply.

Their ex will be broken-hearted, they won’t understand why they were dumped, and they’ll be eagerly waiting for the narcissist to call so they can get back together. The narcissist knows this and will play on the weakness of their ex.

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They’ll disappear for a couple of weeks and then pop up out of the blue and start trying to woo the ex. Narcissists pull the ghost card because they see it as a recharging period for their ex-partner.

They will spend that time obsessing over what they did wrong and how they can become the perfect lover when the narcissist returns. When the narcissist eventually comes back, there’s plenty of supply waiting to be imparted. 

Do Narcissists Miss Their Exes?

Yes, but not for the same reasons the average person misses their ex-lover. As mentioned, narcissists only get involved in a relationship if there’s narcissistic supply available, if not, they’re not interested.

So, as far as they’re concerned, the more supply they get, the better the relationship. They will even compare the level of supply they get from different partners.

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So, after they’ve broken up with you and in a new relationship, the narcissist might feel that the supply they’re getting from their current partner is not as good as the supply, they got from you.

So, the narcissist will think things like, “Finley truly worshipped me like the angelic being that I am, Charlie’s got some work to do.” Then they’ll start calling and texting you, trying to gain access to some of that good supply once more. 

Why do Narcissists Talk About Their Exes?

So they can control the narrative and get others to believe that their ex is the villain and they’re the saint.

When they’re with a group of friends, the narcissists might say something like, “wow, I can’t believe how relaxed I feel now that me and Terri are not together. Didn’t you guys notice I was always on edge whenever I was out?

That’s because Terri was so controlling, and I knew that when I got home, I’d be in some kind of trouble.” Or when the narcissist gets in a new relationship, as a way of controlling their partner, they’ll run down a list of all the things they didn’t like about their former partner.

They might say something like, “I hated the way my ex dressed, they never made an effort for me. I always felt ashamed when we went out because they’d just throw on anything.”

In other words, the new partner better looks on point at all times or it’s going to be a problem. 

Are Narcissists Jealous of Their Exes?

Everyone experiences jealousy because it’s a natural emotion. As with all emotions, it can be used positively or negatively.

As you can imagine, narcissistic jealousy leans more towards the negative side of things. When a narcissist’s ex moves on and finds true and lasting happiness, the narcissist is furious.

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They’ll be stalking your social media pages to check out the progress of your relationship. They’ll see you living the good life, going on vacations, eating out at exclusive restaurants, and spending time with your new boo.

The narcissist’s jealousy will lead them to want to drag you back down to the level you were at when you were together. Miserable and dependent on them!

The narcissist’s jealousy may even lead them to try and sabotage your new relationship by spreading rumors about you or your new partner. 

Why do Narcissists Only Connect With Certain Exes?

Because narcissists only connect with people who provide narcissistic supply. When it comes to the ex-partners of a narcissist, they fall into two categories.

They either realized they were dating a narcissist and got out of the relationship as fast as their legs could carry them and didn’t look back.

Or there are the ex’s who the narcissist discarded, and they’re still nursing a broken heart. These exes are typically very empathetic in nature, or they’re actually empaths. Narcissists love dating empaths because they can tap into their sea of emotions.

They’re incredibly giving and very forgiving. They’re the type the narcissist can control. These exes that the narcissist connects with because they’re still under the narcissist’s spell.

The narcissist knows that as soon as their current relationship fails, they’ve got someone to run to who is willing and waiting to take them back. 

Final Thought

If you want a stress-free life, I’d advise you to run for the hills! To stay friends with your narcissist ex-partner isn’t a good idea.

You’ll never have any peace, you’ll be in a constant state of limbo, and the narcissist will never allow you to move on. Narcissists are Narcissists because they have dark personality traits that rarely change for the better. There are plenty of normal, healthy friendships you can seek out, and I would suggest you do that. 

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Alexander Burgemeester

Alexander Burgemeester has a Master in Neuropsychology. He studied at the University of Amsterdam and has a bachelor's in Clinical Psychology. Want to know more?

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