Not a single person ever wants to purposely devalue ourselves. If I said to you today, “You must keep quiet whenever you experience any kind of abuse. Don’t tell anybody. They won’t care” – what first comes to mind?

Is it:

Actually, I refuse to keep quiet.

I will speak the truth.

I understand that I need to take care of myself.

Now picture the narcissist. They enter your life and slowly take away everything you have that allows you to value who you are, and what you stand for.

Soon enough – they have you completely devaluing yourself.

It’s like magic! And not in a good way…

Exactly how do they do it though?

Patterns in Narcissistic Abuse: From The Beginning 

It’s evident that patterns are laid out in every single narcissistic relationship from the moment they begin.

The problem begins when the victim is unable to see those patterns – for whatever reason that may be.

Most of this is down to being blindsided by the initial love-bombing – which completely goes against any kind of devaluation, I understand.

But you need to at this point tell yourself – The devaluation worked because the narcissist found a way in.

That’s not on you. 

To fall for somebody initially so charming and then to become so self-devaluing over time…

…It happens for several various reasons, which I will untangle for you.

Negative Self-Talk?

So before we get there, how about we look a little at exactly what devaluation looks like. 

Well, it all starts with how you talk to yourself.

We’re told time and time again to be kind to others. And yes – I completely agree this is what the world needs more of.

But what about you?

How do you talk to you?

Here are some self devaluation examples:

I’m not attractive.

I’m no good at making friends.

I can’t do that.

I am useless when it comes to that.

I’m so unfit. 

I hate the way I talk.

But you know what? It also goes deeper.

It’s how people stop looking after themselves. It’s how they put themselves right at the bottom of their own list of priorities.

And what then?

You’re just left there, with nowhere to go, and no second thought as to how to start looking positively at yourself again.

Long-Term Effects

With everything negative, there are always going to be long-term effects if they’re not given any attention.

The physiological effects narcissists impose upon you can prove disastrous for all aspects of your health, but at the time, all you hear are the comments. The little digs and the way they promote all your insecurities.

And Yes – You Think “This is All I Deserve”

Before you know it, that’s what you’re left feeling and thinking.

“It’s all I deserve.”

“I’m worthless.”

“Nobody would ever find me attractive.”

“What’s the point?”

I’ve known people to come to me and tell me that they avoided looking at themselves in the mirror, because each time they did, they burst into tears. 

Why?

Because the narcissist got them to that point.

Through their toxic actions, the narcissist taught the victim that they don’t matter.

So now that person’s standards have changed. Not only do they feel they deserve less, they learn to accept less. And guess what? Each fuels the other. The less you feel you deserve, the less you accept. The less you accept, the less you feel you deserve. 

Getting stuck in that loop of self-destruction makes it hard to get out.

Your Life? 

The devaluation soon seeps into all aspects of your life. Your job will suffer, because you won’t go for the positions you want. You won’t end up doing what you’re good at because you don’t think you’re good at anything. 

You’ll stop trying or letting yourself dream big and go for all the things you want, because your mind is now set to a negative bias. 

The skills you have will be stamped into the ground, initially by the narcissist, but then by you, as you begin to believe that you aren’t good at anything. 

And no – narcissists aren’t successful at devaluing everybody, but there is a certain kind of person who has a hard time. Those are normally the people who experienced something similar in childhood. A parent doing similar – giving them the impression they will never measure up to anything – will do it. 

Growing up, you’re more likely to have been given limitations that amounted to a lack of opportunities to grow your self-esteem. It’s low because that parent didn’t believe in you, or encourage you. 

Most things begin in childhood, and the longer we hold them with some kind of meaning, the longer we struggle.

A narcissist will know that about you. Their job when you meet is to latch onto your insecurities and use them against you – which is exactly what they do.

Narcissistic Abuse – The Toll

As expected, narcissistic abuse does take a toll. You expect to hear about all the ways they slip up, or conjure up drama, but what about you? What about the actual toll it takes on you?

• You are left thinking you have nothing to give or offer anybody – both personally or professionally. All your talents and skills get covered up by the narcissist’s abusive ways.

• You feel exhausted all of the time. You’ve tried to battle before, but that was in the earlier days. Now you just live day by day, not knowing what you even like or feel passionate about anymore.

• You see the narcissist living a life and seeming so happy. Why can’t you feel that? (The narcissist is only happy because you’re so miserable).

What Can You Do?

#1 Stop Listening To The Narcissist

I know that is easier said than done, but it is a case of flicking that switch. What if you started to ignore them? Over time – it would make a difference. 

#2 Shift How You Think About Yourself

As you start to ignore the narcissist, you will begin to think differently about yourself. In small ways at first, yes, but that’s what matters. It has to be small and steady for real change.

#3 Get Therapy

It seems like the most obvious thing to do, but people can still be reluctant to take the therapy step. I know why – I’ve seen it a lot in first appointments. The uncertainty. What to expect. How it’s going to go. But you know what? Within the first few sessions, people are already on a roll. It’s the break they needed.

And deserved.

#4 Spend Time With People You Love

It stands to reason that being with and around the people you love will boost your confidence and give your self-esteem a much needed resurrection.

#5 Find Out What You’re Good At

Do it! Why not? What have you got to lose? Think about what you love, why you love it and how you can implement it in your life. 

Again – start small. Listening to your favorite song. Cooking your favorite meal. Then go from there. Soon you’ll be discovering all the things you love.

#6 Correct Yourself!

I am so ugly and useless.

NO!

Stop it! Say it out loud if you have to!

Correct yourself, even if you don’t believe it at first.

Because soon? 

You will believe it.