Before I delve in, let me declare one important thing:

Vulnerabilities are not weaknesses.

Narcissists see them as such, who believe the only way to behave is to be perfect, tough and never wrong.

Their attitude towards their vulnerabilities starkly contrasts with how you feel about yours. I want to get into the difference between, and exactly how the narcissist will use your vulnerabilities against you.

Let me tell you, before they do that, they have a lot of fun discovering them.

Healthy Vs. Unhealthy Themes

We all crave a healthy relationship. We know that a good, strong bond is synonymous with good physical and mental health. It’s also linked with living well, and forming good habits.

Healthy relationships involve trust and patience. They call for compromise during healthy moments of conflict. They are keen and conscious of implementing loyalty and honesty, creating a safe and secure bond between two loving people. 

And an unhealthy relationship?

Well, reverse all the above!

You’ll have drama, gaslighting, arguing, anxiety, anger, rage, uncertainty, cheating, criticism, neglect, pain, confusion, loss of identity, and jealousy. 

It’s all there. 

Nobody seeks an unhealthy relationship, yet unfortunately many – too many – are victims to them. 

Every Narcissistic Relationship Includes This!

Love-bombing.

It seems wonderful at the time to be swept off your feet by somebody who seems so genuinely interested in you.

But wait…

There’s a catch…

And it’s dangerous… 

Vulnerability Disclosure Incoming!

That’s right. You’re going to be given all the opportunities in the world to ‘Soul Fish.’

Soul Fishing is where the narcissist will ask you questions to get to the bottom of what triggers you the most. 

Because that is where your vulnerabilities lie.

What scares you the most?

What do you hate about yourself?

What really triggers you in this world?

What do you always get annoyed by?

You might think to yourself, “Wow, this person really wants to understand me. I feel so lucky knowing they are listening to me and all my life worries.”

Big NO!

Narcissists dig for the most vulnerable parts of you so that they can use them against you at a later date. 

They May Match You – Superficially… 

Oh yes, I had such a hard time growing up too. I hated my childhood.

I know exactly where you’re coming from. I went through exactly the same.

I also hate it when people ignore me. It’s so confusing and frustrating.

Narcissists want to match you – and it’s called mirroring.

They believe that if they can be just like you, that you will see all the wonderful things that you both have in common. 

Sadly, mirroring is known to have a strong effect on the victim. They think, “I’ve finally found somebody I click with. It just makes sense. We have so many things in common.”

In reality, you don’t. But they’ve been successful in making you think that you do.

“All The Better To Use Against You, My Dear”

It’s certainly true that narcissists will seek out your vulnerabilities and use them against you, especially when trying to hoover you back into a relationship or at the very least, some form of contact. 

Hoovering can look like:

Emails

Texts

Conversations

Phone Calls 

Letters

And weaponry can look like all the things you have talked to them about:

Friends

Family

Appearance

Job

Skills

Hobbies

Mental Health

Hopes 

Dreams

Physical Health

Traumas

Taste in Music

Likes

Dislikes

And can you fight back?

No! (Well, technically yes, but in the moment, it’s not that easy. Especially if your self-esteem is low).

It leaves you feeling completely blindsided!

Red Flag!

I mean, there are many red flags in narcissistic relationships of any kind, but you have to keep your eyes open to the initial meeting of anybody new. Looking out for anything that feels too good to be true, usually is. 

If ignored, there are some feisty and difficult-to-shift signs that you are responding to the narcissist negatively.

This is where you really need to listen to your gut and what it’s telling you. 

And Your Nervous System?

Sympathetic nervous system kicks in – and it is awfully difficult to escape from. You will feel:

• Tired. You feel like you’re constantly in some kind of sleep debt. It’s not because you’re not getting enough, but it’s the total and utter draining of your soul that causes you to feel this way. Narcissists are really good at that.

• Anxious. It’s natural to feel anxious around a narcissist, especially when they refuse to allow you to be yourself or give you any kind of emotional consistency. You’re always going to be left wondering what mood they will be in, or how they will treat you that particular day. 

• Depressed. Anybody who spends extended periods of time with a narcissist is going to further and further lose themselves to their abusive ways. And what happens when you disconnect with yourself? You connect with depression. Who you are becomes so lost that you just don’t have any fight left in you.

• Isolated. Isolation is a huge part of narcissistic abuse. It’s designed by them to give you the feeling that you’re alone, and that you have nobody to turn to. They tell you that you’re too good, or not good enough, for your friends or family. Before long, you’re on your own with them, depending on them for a lot of support they just cannot provide.

But… Why?!

Your vulnerabilities are like currency to the narcissist .Why?

• To shame you at a later date. When they feel like it, they will use what makes you feel so vulnerable to embarrass you and make you feel ashamed of yourself.

• To make you feel guilty. If you do something that they don’t like, you can be sure they’ll let you know about it. If you make them feel a certain way that you might not like – you’ll hear:

“How come it’s okay for you to not like it, but you do it to me?”

You don’t even have to have done anything wrong. It’s what they want you to feel.

• To control you. It’s how the narcissist lives and breathes!

Divorce Proceedings Spell Trouble

When divorcing a narcissist, anything can be used against you

What you use to get up to that they know and can prove can be used to smear your name and make you seem incompetent. Exactly the same as what triggers you or upsets you. 

And they won’t hesitate attempting to assassinate your character in front of a court judge. 

Parents and Vulnerabilities…

Some of the worst of all – narcissistic parents know you – and have done since the moment you were born. 

They know your vulnerabilities, and will not bat an eyelid when it comes to using them against you as you grow. Even adult children of narcissistic parents still face the wrath of vulnerability unpicking – and it is incredibly damaging.

You have been warned!