We all like to hear sorry, don’t we? If somebody has wronged you or overstepped in some way, we want the person who has done no good to hold their hands up and say, “This wasn’t cool.”
The art of saying sorry has to be accompanied by the act of saying sorry. What comes after the word must be remorse, otherwise what’s the point?
They do it again, you get upset again, and they say the word again like it holds some kind of meaning.
Narcissists are forever saying it without actually being it. Here’s how.
“I’m sorry you feel that way”
The most “non-sorry” sorry to ever exist, yet there are still swarms of people who think it suffices as the right thing to say to apologize to them.
Apologizing for your feelings isn’t acknowledging what they did wrong, or even directly saying sorry at all.
It’s basically like saying, “I’m sorry that you feel hurt.” Well … great. Now what?
What about why you might be hurting? It’s because of them, but they don’t want to talk about that. Instead, they want to focus on the fact that your feelings are the way they are.
And nine times out of ten, the person being “apologized” to will say, “That’s okay.
Thank you for saying sorry.” WHAT?! Don’t! You’re giving them the pass they want.
There’s nothing sincere, and of course, you might even feel guilty for feeling the way you do if they put it on you like that.
Even more of a reason to not accept this non-apology, because there’s nothing about it that serves to make you feel any better.
“Let’s just move on”
Oh yes, let’s move on. How convenient would that be, right? You messed up big time, but we won’t focus on that because you don’t want to linger in the avenue of accountability.
If we do, we might find other ways you messed up in the dark corners. We might use that time to add up all the miscalculated ways you’ve talked your way out of previous non-apologies.
And I’m here to also remind you that if the shoe were on the other foot and you made a mistake, you’d be paying and apologizing for that for the rest of your life.
They would never let you forget about it. So what’s fair about moving on from what they did? Should it not be processed in some way?
I think it should be, but with narcissists, it’s just something you’re never going to get.
“I only did that because you…”
Hold your horses, narcissist! “I only did that because you…” is pretty much the most obvious way of flipping the blame back to you and proving the fact that they just can’t hold their hands up and say sorry properly.
And I mean really mean it. How bad is it that a person is just incapable of saying, “Yeah, I did that and I really shouldn’t have. I’m so sorry I upset you. It won’t happen again.”
I don’t know about you, but I would respect a person so much more if they were to be that transparent about their faults, rather than deny them altogether.
It’s something narcissists fail to see or act out as their idea of perfection would then be in ruins.
But we all know that nobody is perfect, don’t we? We aren’t looking for perfection, yet the narcissist wants it so badly.
“I guess I’m just a terrible person then”
Well, you said it, not me. If the shoe fits and all that…
This kind of phrase comes right into play when you accuse the narcissist of clearly doing something wrong, or telling them they could do better.
They have this habit of going right to the other end of the scale and coming out and saying what they really know they are – terrible.
But this is where the interesting bits come into play. They don’t say it because they’re admitting to something, they say this phrase to incite guilt within you.
They want you to take it back and say, “No, of course you aren’t a terrible person. I’m just in a bad mood is all.”
How about just saying, “Yeah. That’s right. You are. But that still isn’t an apology!”
“I didn’t mean it like that”
No? That’s fine. So say sorry for it then.
That’s where they fall short, isn’t it? They fall short right before the apology you’re owed.
It isn’t enough to be told that you didn’t mean it like that! Feeling hurt that you said it is quite enough to be deserving of the apology that ultimately never comes anyway.
Narcissists forever say things they do mean, and cover them up as just slips of the tongue.
If you want the truth, the apology is the thing they don’t mean, so hearing it becomes void anyway, doesn’t it?
Narcissists have to learn that they can’t just say what they want to say without some kind of official consequence.
If that’s you calling them out, then they should stop getting so defensive and just say they’re sorry.
What a world that’d be!
“I said sorry. What more do you want?”
Isn’t it ironic that the narcissist gives us the bare minimum in terms of apologies before conceding to their own impatience of us not readily forgiving?
They think they can do or say whatever they want, and that one word should fix it.
Where is the realization that pain takes time to heal? Why can’t they acknowledge the ripple effect of their actions?
Saying sorry is fine, if you mean it. And if you mean it, you won’t do that thing you had to say sorry for again.
It’s not complicated, but if you’re constantly getting hurt, that pain will take longer to heal.
So in answer to your question, narcissist: We want you to mean what you say and not keep cycling your victims through unnecessary pain.
You don’t get a free “sorry” pass every time you feel like ruining our day.
And let’s not forget the way this comment wants to fully brush any wrongdoing under the carpet.
According to narcissists, responsibility cannot be clung to, it must be released and left in the past.
I say nope. We hold you accountable, and you don’t like it.
Listening out for what you don’t deserve
Knowing that you deserve an apology from the narcissist has to be accompanied by your self-worth.
The pattern of that very part of you being stripped alongside the narcissist refusing to hand an apology over means you come to grow used to regularly being let down without even realizing it.
The standard falls. The patterns repeat. The treatment gets worse. The apologies dry up entirely.
I want to sign off by reminding you of your worth, and that if you’re mistreated in some way and are owed some form of apology, that’s all there is to it.
Take it from me. The moment you let these things go is the moment your destiny is fully in the hands of your abuser.
