You have never heard such a whiny, creepy, sickly sweet tone of anybody until you’ve met a narcissist who wants something from you.
Like a hemorrhoid, they will show up like the pain in the ass they truly are – and leave you feeling majorly uncomfortable.
You aren’t used to this.
You feel taken aback.
Some may even believe the niceness as being genuine.
You can’t see me right now, but I am waving my red flag at you.
Here’s why.
What’s This…
…Say what now?!
…A favor?!
Suddenly, the entitled person you normally cannot bear to be around, is acting half normally.
They’re showing up like a breath of fresh air, and their kindness is uncomfortable to you.
Usually you have to deal with the panic or anxiety that comes with being around a toxic person, but on this occasion, they’re not offering those traits to you.
Instead, you see a different side of them – which in itself ignites that same fear – plus confusion!
Just what is going on? Why are you being so… out of sorts?!
The Sudden Energy Shift
Well, it’s enough to put anybody off. Energy shifts are not meant to be ignored, and if you’re used to conflict or drama where there is not an ounce in sight – something is a miss.
Now a lot of people don’t see this initially. While it’s strange to have a shift like this, you don’t suspect the shift is because they’re up to something.
They’re layering a little sweetness for you, to butter you up and take you out of yourself momentarily so they can swoop in and ask for a favor.
It’s hard to detect – but when you realize what they’re up to – you can avoid future fakeries such as this.
Let It Only Happen Once
Leading me to my next piece of advice:
Only let them butter you up once.
It’s a hard lesson to learn, and it may take a little time to process how they took full advantage of you.
The first time you get caught up in the sickly sweet attempt to ask you for help will and should be the last…
…For your own sake.
The Change in The Narcissist
Signs to look out for as the narcissists creeps around you in search of a favor includes:
- Being overly complimentary toward you. Yes, it seems nice to hear nice words fall out of their mouths, but they’re curated especially to catch you off guard.
- Offering help with anything you have going on. Errands that you need running, any childcare you’re in need of, or turning up unplanned to have a catch up and listen to how you’ve been lately.
- Checking in more regularly with you, by calling or texting. How are you? How are things with you?
When you think, “This is nice, maybe I was too hard on them after all,” it will be a time where you need to pull yourself together a little bit and try to view the bigger picture. What’s really going on?
A change is never for no reason.
Let Them Down At Your Own Risk
When a narcissist needs you, they will offer themselves to you first. Usually a little extra time or attention thrown your way will make them think they’ve done enough to get what they want.
If you’ve reached the point where the favor they need is asked and you can’t do it for them for whatever reason (and this is likely to be genuine), it’s going to be at a risk.
A client from my early days who I will call Annie once told me of a family member who always asked her to look after her son.
She chose to work long hours and gave her son to anybody willing to look after him.
Annie told me how one day out of the blue, this family member sent her a voice note, asking how she was, and saying it had been so long since they spoke.
Annie thought what a lovely thought it was to contact her, and they caught up over a few days.
Soon after, the text came. Could she look after the child? Annie said yes, not a problem, and it was as if she had unknowingly recruited a new best friend.
Annie ended up looking after the child on several occasions, with her family member promising a few treats as a thank you (that surprisingly never arrived).
Eventually, Annie caught on with what was going on, and said no on one occasion.
“Fine. No problem. You’re obviously busy. Soon, he will be old enough to qualify for free childcare, so I won’t be a bother to people anymore.”
Ouch.
The tide had officially turned, and all previous favors went unnoticed and without appreciation.
Annie knew it was the right thing to do, even if that’s what response she got.
And it’s certainly a risk, right? Narcissists can go from hot to cold within a second, and if you’re not playing their ball game, they will drop you from their team.
Victims tend to blame themselves for the narcissist’s mood shift.
It’s my fault.
I let them down.
I should have helped more.
I tried my best, but it wasn’t good enough.
These thoughts are all incorrect. You can literally bend over backward for a narcissist, and they will complain and blame you when your back snaps.
Once The Favor Has Been Given
Did anybody see a narcissist? No? Where did they go?
Oh, that’s right. All you see is a poof of dust, because they’re now long gone.
With favors, you’re only good enough while you’re good enough to help. As soon as the favor has been given, you can forget speaking to them again (until the next time they need something from you, of course).
Narcissists do not:
- Appreciate
- Thank
- Remember the good things you do for them
- Value
- Reward
- Honor
- Cherish
However, they do:
- Use
- Abuse
- Manipulate
- Guilt trip
- Shame
- Drop you
There’s no guilt involved. There’s absolutely no hesitation.
In the mind of a narcissist, we all work to serve. We work to put them first, no matter what that does to our health.
The next time you’re asked for a favor by the narcissist you know, I would seriously evaluate if it’s worth doing.
I know the alternative is to deal with a really pissed off narcissist, but that’s better than running yourself into the ground.
Doing good is a selfless act, but nobody should be over-asking anything.
And favors should be appreciated, and you thanked, for doing it.
