If unresolved trauma from a narcissistic relationship is beginning to heavily impact your life – you’re not alone.
Trauma takes a toll, both physically and mentally, and at times can take you by complete shock and surprise.
Getting trapped in the cycle of hot and cold, manipulation and gaslighting – your body will respond with chronic stress.
I want to uncover what all of that means – and if it helps some of you – then my job is done.
Is Narcissistic Trauma Really a Thing?
Let’s get one thing clear…
…Any event that brings dis-ease to your life, will create disease. That’s the entire meaning of the word – and getting sick is no joke.
Narcissistic trauma is just as traumatic and painful as other trauma, to the point where its own complexity created a sub-diagnosis of PTSD, known as C-PTSD, or Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
The disorder is in your mind, which in turn affects your body. Making you sick in many ways, C-PTSD roots itself in the abuse under a narcissistic personality.
When I say things like, ‘narcissistic abuse can make you anxious and depressed, I don’t want you for one second to underestimate what that really means.
This is a web of poor wellbeing being woven by your abuser, that you’re forced to live in until you can start to unpack it all and heal.
I always say: It’s not easy, but it’s not impossible.
Signs of Narcissistic Trauma
#1 Flashbacks
When you think about flashbacks, it’s likely you might think about veterans returning from war, and frequently experiencing intense feelings of being back where they fought.
You’d be completely right – this happens – and it’s extremely unsettling for the people who have them – for it’s a reminder of their trauma.
Flashbacks don’t just stop and end there, though, and for victims of narcissistic abuse, they can be just as damaging.
Flashbacks can be so real, and so intense. Your body goes through all the motions as if you were reliving it in real time, and that’s what causes your mind and body to feel so unwell.
The racing heart returns. The sweats. The feeling like you’re stuck and need to escape. The dread. The worry. The pain.
When your nervous system has to deal with flashbacks on a regular basis, it tells the brain that you’re still there in that traumatic event, even if it’s in the past.
Keeping it tied and locked to the present moment keeps you from being able to move on.
#2 Being Hypervigilant
What do narcissists teach us?
One of the main things is how hypervigilance can awaken – and remain – with victims.
It’s natural to want to protect yourself from harm, and during the time you were with the narcissist, you probably felt the inclination to do that then.
This would have proven impossible, as the narcissist’s games and control overpowered your feeling of safety.
No matter what you did, it was wrong. No matter how much you tried to be the person you thought they needed, it was never enough.
You were punished for no reason – and left to feel as though you didn’t know what was coming next.
It’s a horrible state of mind to be stuck in, but the trauma of it all can leave you feeling like you are on constant heightened alert.
#3 Difficulties With Regulating Your Emotions
Are you happy? Can you demonstrate that in a healthy way?
What happens when you feel stressed? Does it feel like the world is falling down on you?
How can you express yourself? Are you unable to do so? Do you think you’ll automatically be misunderstood?
These are all signs of narcissistic abuse. Time spent with your abuser is time spent away from connecting with yourself. Those opportunities were stripped from you, as you were made to feel like they weren’t important enough.
The trauma from the abuse has left you feeling like you cannot handle your emotions effectively.
If things go wrong, you blame yourself. When you are rejected, it’s as though the whole world is telling you that you don’t deserve what you wanted.
When you feel down, it’s hard to pick yourself up because you’ve been left feeling worthless on all levels.
And yet, here so many victims are; unable to see the correlation between narcissistic abuse and unregulated emotions.
#4 Struggles With Relationships
When you experience one unhealthy relationship, you’re going to remember it for a long time. It’ll fundamentally change how you perceive future relationships, and how you enter and co-exist in them.
It’s a complete shift in mindset, and that means automatically going to the negative rather than positive.
Soon enough, you will be unable to hold down anything potentially healthy or look for the good in people who aren’t narcissistic in character or personality.
#5 Avoiding Your Triggers
When we avoid our triggers, they don’t go anywhere. They stay inside you, and are still lit up by the actions of others.
Triggers shouldn’t stop you from living the life you want, and when somebody fires up an uncomfortable part of your past and turns it into a physiologically present moment, you need to understand how to learn how to overcome them instead of allowing them to overwhelm you.
#6 Being Stuck With Narcissists
When you spot one, you can spot them all. This works in your favor if you are intent on staying away from them.
If narcissists and you are drawn together it will be because your personalities kind of need each other (all the while you don’t work on your self-esteem and self-worth), and it’s a cycle that will keep happening until you find that worth.
#7 Memory Problems
I don’t want to get too ‘sciency,’ but I need to highlight the connection between narcissistic abuse and memory loss.
With the constant state of fear narcissists keep their victims in, the amygdala part of the brain responsible for heart rate, fight or flight, and primal emotions such as love, hate and fear is severely affected.
That fight or flight is lived in daily by victims, and over time the amygdala becomes overactive.
Instead of producing new connections, the brain is somewhat attacked by stress hormone cortisol. The focus becomes on our attention to how we feel, rather than retaining any new information.
#8 Issues Sleeping
No victim of narcissistic trauma sleeps well until they start really healing. Like I mentioned in the last point – that fight or flight becomes a constant ‘on’ switch.
If you’re on high alert… you aren’t sleeping.
Sleep deprivation can attack your mental and physical health over time, so it’s really important to tackle it when sleep starts to dip.
#9 Anxiety
It goes without saying that somebody so unfaltering in their quest to bring you down is going to leave you with some level of anxiety.
From mild to severe – it’s possible to notice a difference in your mental health – for all the wrong reasons.
Anxiety over the course of a lifetime is a condition you will have to consciously work to decrease in ways that suit you.
Whether that be journaling, getting regular exercise, therapy or even being self-aware of your anxiety triggers.
#10 Depression
When I am asked to describe depression, I say this:
Depression is not the ability to feel sad, it’s the inability to feel anything at all.
Over time, a person who has experienced narcissistic abuse will be left with that trauma, and it will erode all sense of belonging, emotion, and desire.
If you feel that describes you, I urge you to reach out and get help.
It is available.
