If unresolved trauma from a narcissistic relationship is beginning to heavily impact your life – you’re not alone.
Trauma takes a toll, both physically and mentally, and at times can take you by complete shock and surprise.
Getting trapped in the cycle of hot and cold, manipulation and gaslighting – your body will respond with chronic stress.
I want to uncover what all of that means – and if it helps some of you – then my job is done.
Is Narcissistic Trauma Really a Thing?
Let’s get one thing clear…
…Any event that brings dis-ease to your life, will create disease. That’s the entire meaning of the word – and getting sick is no joke.
Narcissistic trauma is just as traumatic and painful as other trauma, to the point where its own complexity created a sub-diagnosis of PTSD, known as C-PTSD, or Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
The disorder is in your mind, which in turn affects your body. Making you sick in many ways, C-PTSD roots itself in the abuse under a narcissistic personality.
When I say things like, ‘narcissistic abuse can make you anxious and depressed, I don’t want you for one second to underestimate what that really means.
This is a web of poor wellbeing being woven by your abuser, that you’re forced to live in until you can start to unpack it all and heal.
I always say: It’s not easy, but it’s not impossible.
Signs of Narcissistic Trauma
#1 Flashbacks
When you think about flashbacks, you might likely think about veterans returning from war, and frequently experiencing intense feelings of being back where they fought.
You’d be completely right – this happens – and it’s extremely unsettling for the people who have them – for it’s a reminder of their trauma.
Flashbacks don’t just stop and end there, though, and for victims of narcissistic abuse, they can be just as damaging.
Flashbacks can be so real and so intense. Your body goes through all the motions as if you were reliving it in real-time, and that’s what causes your mind and body to feel so unwell.
The racing heart returns. The sweats. The feeling like you’re stuck and need to escape. The dread. The worry. The pain.
When your nervous system has to deal with flashbacks regularly, it tells the brain that you’re still there in that traumatic event, even if it’s in the past.
Keeping it tied and locked to the present moment keeps you from being able to move on.
#2 Being Hypervigilant
What do narcissists teach us?
One of the main things is how hypervigilance can awaken – and remain – with victims.
It’s natural to want to protect yourself from harm, and during the time you were with the narcissist, you probably felt the inclination to do that then.
This would have proven impossible, as the narcissist’s games and control overpowered your feeling of safety.
No matter what you did, it was wrong. No matter how much you tried to be the person you thought they needed, it was never enough.
You were punished for no reason – and left to feel as though you didn’t know what was coming next.
It’s a horrible state of mind to be stuck in, but the trauma of it all can leave you feeling like you are on constant heightened alert.
#3 Difficulties With Regulating Your Emotions
Are you happy? Can you demonstrate that in a healthy way?
What happens when you feel stressed? Does it feel like the world is falling down on you?
How can you express yourself? Are you unable to do so? Do you think you’ll automatically be misunderstood?
These are all signs of narcissistic abuse. Time spent with your abuser is time spent away from connecting with yourself. Those opportunities were stripped from you, as you were made to feel like they weren’t important enough.
The trauma from the abuse has left you feeling like you cannot handle your emotions effectively.
If things go wrong, you blame yourself. When you are rejected, it’s as though the whole world is telling you that you don’t deserve what you wanted.
It’s hard to pick yourself up when you feel down because you’ve been left feeling worthless on all levels.
And yet, here so many victims are; unable to see the correlation between narcissistic abuse and unregulated emotions.
#4 Struggles With Relationships
When you experience one unhealthy relationship, you’re going to remember it for a long time. It’ll fundamentally change how you perceive future relationships, and how you enter and co-exist in them.
It’s a complete shift in mindset, and that means automatically going to the negative rather than positive.
Soon enough, you will be unable to hold down anything potentially healthy or look for the good in people who aren’t narcissistic in character or personality.
#5 Avoiding Your Triggers
When we avoid our triggers, they don’t go anywhere. They stay inside you, and are still lit up by the actions of others.
Triggers shouldn’t stop you from living the life you want. When somebody fires up an uncomfortable part of your past and turns it into a physiologically present moment, you need to understand how to overcome them instead of allowing them to overwhelm you.
#6 Being Stuck With Narcissists
When you spot one, you can spot them all. This works in your favor if you intend to avoid them.
If narcissists and you are drawn together, it will be because your personalities kind of need each other (all the while, you don’t work on your self-esteem and self-worth), and it’s a cycle that will keep happening until you find that worth.
#7 Memory Problems
I don’t want to get too ‘sciency,’ but I need to highlight the connection between narcissistic abuse and memory loss.
With the constant state of fear narcissists keep their victims in, the amygdala part of the brain responsible for heart rate, fight or flight, and primal emotions such as love, hate and fear is severely affected.
That fight or flight is lived in daily by victims, and over time the amygdala becomes overactive.
Instead of producing new connections, the brain is somewhat attacked by stress hormone cortisol. The focus becomes on our attention to how we feel, rather than retaining any new information.
#8 Issues Sleeping
No victim of narcissistic trauma sleeps well until they start really healing. Like I mentioned in the last point – that fight or flight becomes a constant ‘on’ switch.
If you’re on high alert… you aren’t sleeping.
Sleep deprivation can attack your mental and physical health over time, so it’s really important to tackle it when sleep starts to dip.
#9 Anxiety
Somebody so unfaltering in their quest to bring you down is going to leave you with some level of anxiety.
From mild to severe – it’s possible to notice a difference in your mental health – for all the wrong reasons.
Anxiety over the course of a lifetime is a condition you will have to consciously work to decrease in ways that suit you.
Whether that be journaling, getting regular exercise, therapy or even being self-aware of your anxiety triggers.
#10 Depression
When I am asked to describe depression, I say this:
Depression is not the ability to feel sad, it’s the inability to feel anything at all.
Over time, a person who has experienced narcissistic abuse will be left with that trauma, and it will erode all sense of belonging, emotion, and desire.
If you feel that describes you, I urge you to seek help.
It is available.
How To Outsmart The Narcissist?
Outsmarting a narcissist might seem like something you would never be able to do.
Think of all those times that toxic person has made you feel small, or even nothing. The idea of outsmarting them won’t come naturally to you, right?
Wrong!
You can absolutely outsmart a narcissist. They won’t see it coming, they won’t see you coming – and it will be a shock to their narcissistic system!
Finding ways to outsmart a narcissist can be fun, and it will put you right back in control of your life.
So, let’s see a show of hands to see who’s with me?
Narcissists: The Truth Behind the Mask
Narcissists!
You’ve likely encountered them at some point in your life, right? That’s why you’re here!
Narcissists walk into a room and act like they own it, even if they’ve just walked into your kitchen. It’s incredibly frustrating.
Masters at creating a toxic air of confidence and superiority, narcissists hide behind their mask. Behind it all? Insecurity and neediness!
You know it well, I’m certain!
Narcissists can be charming and persuasive when they want to be.
They’re also incredibly convincing at it.
But don’t be fooled.
Their charm is a well-rehearsed act designed to get what they want, whether from you or from others.
They thrive on control and manipulation, and will do what it takes to continue this weird game of human chess they are experts at.
Understanding the core of a narcissist is crucial for all of us – especially you.
Beneath all charm and smiles, they are often fragile. They fear their true selves being exposed – and they do all they can so that doesn’t happen.
This fragility makes them dangerous, but it also makes it possible to outsmart them.
Once you know what exactly is lurking behind the mask, you’ll be much better equipped to deal with their toxic tactics.
They Think They’re So Clever!
Narcissists believe they are the smartest person in the world, and nobody else compares even marginally.
They convince themselves of this, and do their best to convince others too.
They use their quote-on-quote “intelligence” to dominate conversations and situations, which only makes others feel inferior. Is this a familiar story to you?
It is to so many people, sadly.
The narcissist has a deep sense of superiority, which acts as a double-edged sword.
Yes, it fuels their confidence and bravado. But also, it makes them vulnerable to being outsmarted. If you think about it, anybody can outsmart them, and it certainly doesn’t take much at all.
Their arrogance blinds them to their own weaknesses, which can backfire on them!
What does this mean? Well, it means the narcissist can sometimes really underestimate others.
Good news for you though – as this overconfidence is where you can find your edge.
Dealing with a narcissist requires more than just holding your ground; it’s about understanding their playbook and using their own tactics against them. They think they’re so clever, but with a little knowledge and strategy, you can turn the tables.
You? Really? …
Yes! Really!
You’re here because you’ve had enough of the narcissist’s mind games, right?
Outsmarting them is now a healthy option for you, and you should definitely do all you can to do it.
If the narcissist is your friend, boss, family member or lover – the time has come to regain control and peace of mind.
You’re so not alone.
Many people struggle with how to handle narcissists effectively.
The key?
Outsmart them!
Let’s get to the good bit…
How to Outsmart a Narcissist
#1 Be Firm – Set Your Boundaries!
Narcissists are known to thrive on pushing limits, no matter who they belong to. Oh yes, expect boundaries to be constantly tested. They will look for your weakness and then exploit them, until now, that is!
The first step in outsmarting a narcissist is to get your boundaries as firm and clear as possible. This means being completely transparent about behavior you will accept, and what behavior you won’t.
Don’t stop short at setting boundaries, you have to enforce them too. When that narcissist attempts to walk all over them, you have to calmly and consistently push back.
Make your language clear – and assertive. No, they won’t like it, but hey, this isn’t about them anymore, is it? The less emotion you apply, the better. After all, narcissists feed off any kind of reaction.
Composure is key, just like consistency.
#2 “Gray Rock”
The gray rock method is such an empowering tool when dealing with any narcissist.
The idea of gray rock is to make yourself as uninteresting and unresponsive as possible.
You might think that sounds easy but it does take a little practice to get it just right.
Remember, narcissists crave drama and seeing you act ‘overly-emotional.’ By being boring and unengaging, you deny them that very satisfaction they seek.
Bingo!
When they try to provoke you, be bland. Be the human equivalent of vanilla.
Avoid showing anger, frustration, excitement – any of it. Over time, they are strongly likely to lose interest in trying to manipulate you because you’re not giving them the fuel they need.
You’ve become so boring!
No…. I am just doing my best to outsmart your attitude…
#3 Deflection – Master It!
Narcissists love to put you on the spot – it’s their attempt to make you feel uncomfortable.
One way to tackle this is to master what I like to call the art of deflection.
Whenever they try to criticize or undermine you, that’s when you redirect the conversation. Ask them a question that shifts the focus back onto them or onto a neutral topic.
I’ll give you an example.
They criticize your decorating work at home (how predictable, right?)
Now you respond with, “Interesting point. What do you think about the weather lately?”
It sounds crazy, but it really throws them off and totally stops them in their tracks.
#4 Information is Preparation!
Ah yes, narcissists will often use misinformation and lies to manipulate everybody else.
You can outsmart them here by being well-informed and prepared. Do your research, re-check facts, and even have evidence to back it all up.
Many people I know have been known to write down information or revert to old texts for screenshots to prove their points.
This will all reduce the narcissist’s ability to use deception against you.
This is all about concrete information – and who can argue with the facts?
#5 Gather Your Support System
It’s not uncommon for narcissists to isolate their victims to assert themselves and gain more control.
You can maintain a strong network of people you love and trust. Seek support from anybody you know who may understand the situation you’re in, and who can provide advice.
Encouragement is also heavily advised here!
Having that crucial support system will help you stay grounded in your reality. When a narcissist is trying their best to get to you, you have people you can rely on to turn to.
Let’s start unlock that potential!
