Nobody is perfect, and even parents slip up sometimes. They can have bad days and snap, just like anybody else, but the important part is showing up and owning what you did wrong.
Children of narcissistic fathers are punished by their toxic dads for even breathing the wrong way.
Emotions are not allowed, and if you show them, you will be held accountable.
Can you imagine what that must be like?
Let’s dive into how they punish.
Narcissistic fathers come with a power trip
It’s the level of authority that is a dream to all narcissistic fathers.
Not only are they responsible for the kids they have, they also feel entitled enough to run every aspect of their lives from as early as possible.
It’s what they get a kick out of, and their kids? Well, they should just ‘fall in line and do as they’re told.’
This kind of power trip goes straight to the head of the narcissistic father, who thrives not on being a father, but being in charge.
It’s their dream situation, and now they’ve got you for life (or so they think…)
As all kids will do, you once would have started to express your emotions. Whether they were up down, happy or sad, exploring them is natural to any person on the planet.
So, when you started showing your emotions around your narcissistic father, how did he cope?
Expect affection to be withdrawn
The first thing I always like to point out surrounds a word that you probably never got to hear or experience much of growing up with a narcissistic father:
Affection.
The fragments of time you did were so few and far in between. If you tried to show any emotion as a child you’d have noticed all affection coming to a halt.
As that affection is withdrawn at a time where you may have needed it the most, what happened next?
Over time, you will have learned that showing emotions and being punished with no affection will have gone hand in hand.
As a result, quashing your emotions felt like the best and safest way to handle big moments in your life.
Where did all that emotion go? Well, it would have continued to sit in your mind and body, with no healthy or safe way to express it.
You learned to tend to your narcissistic father’s needs, rather than your own, and in later life that looks like somebody who becomes unable to find avenues of expression, which can make relationships difficult to navigate.
“You’re such a crybaby!”
Being mocked for crying is no better, and I’m sure there are droves of you out there who understand what that feels like.
When you are a child and you get upset, you’re punished for it by being called a crybaby.
It actually goes beyond that and is considered mocking, which is a really sad way to get your kids to fall in line and stop doing whatever is organic to them in their world of growing up.
The shame, the guilt, the regret of crying becomes the focal point, rather than the thing that made you upset in the first place.
This is hard for any child who doesn’t understand that crying is in fact a natural part of exploring and releasing emotions that feel they need to be let out.
And you know what? Being called names by your father is no fun at all, and that will stick with you forever.
The classic eye-roll
I wonder how many of you are familiar with the eye-roll. I’ve spoken to a lot of children of narcissistic fathers, and they all remember what it’s like to receive the eye-roll, whether in private or public (but especially public).
You tell them you’re feeling a certain emotion, and they react. You let them know you’re feeling overwhelmed in the crowd you’re in, and they react.
You tell them you’re tired, and they react. You tell them you feel sad, they react.
You display so much happiness because you’re on vacation and are having a great time, and yet they still want to react.
The eye-roll is the best and quickest way for them to put you in your place without muttering a single word.
Making sure you can see them as they do it, this act is enough to silence you into compliance.
It’s uncomfortable, it changes the mood in a heartbeat and it guilts and shames you for feeling whatever it was you happened to be feeling.
You promise yourself you won’t do it again.
Silent treatment is common
Silent treatment is the worst kind of treatment. How does an anxious person usually react to such a thing?
When you’re left to interpret the silence, you will naturally fill it with words and feelings that aren’t good because that’s what you are initially drawn to.
This is why abusers, narcissistic fathers included, are drawn to it as a weapon.
The more silent they go when you show your emotions, the more you will feel that showing them is a punishable offence.
Why is the freedom of expression so wrong in the narcissist’s eyes?
Because they are jealous of the fact that you find it so easy to express how you’re feeling, and they wish they could be like you.
Rather than tell you this truth, they shame your emotions to make you like them.
Discipline as punishment: toughen up!
Come on! Why are you acting up!
Nobody ever got to be successful by wearing their heart on their sleeve!
Time to toughen up and get in the real world!
People hurt you. Get over it and move on!
This is one time where you cannot forgive the brutal honesty the narcissist thinks they are sharing with you.
Remember, this is how they were raised, and look how it turned out for them?
You are seeing a product of a person who was once a kid like you, and who perhaps had emotions they wanted to share in the world.
They were equally punished for theirs, and you will be for yours, but this isn’t how you should treat kids at all.
Why would any kid toughen up if they feel as though they’re having a bad day? Why is it a bad thing to cry, or let a little joy or happiness out?
What’s wrong with feeling shy or anxious? What’s the problem with not wanting to talk to everybody you see because you don’t want constant positive judgement from strangers like your narcissistic father?
Living life in the shadow of your narcissistic father
I want you to know that your emotions are valid, no matter what you were raised to think.
Living life in the shadow of your narcissistic father is difficult, especially when nobody taught you that it’s okay to express how you’re feeling, no matter what that looks like.
There’s no such thing as a bad emotion, either. At times you will have been told all emotions are bad, and a sign of weakness, but they aren’t.
It’s time to step out of the darkness and into the light, don’t you think?
