How I Escaped a Narcissist and Reclaimed My Life

I’m Sally.

I escaped a narcissist, my ex-husband to be exact.

Married for twelve long and painful years, I had a ‘now or never moment’ that I will never regret.

Was it the hardest thing I ever did? Absolutely. But what would have ended up being harder was another twelve years – or even one.

So now this baton of liberty I’ve been holding needs to be handed to you.

It’s your turn.

What Was It About Me?

I want to start by saying how many years I blamed myself for how I was treated.

Of the twelve years of marriage, I blamed myself for 10.5 of them. The last year was about realizing what I’d been through, and grieving both the end of a chapter I wanted to last forever, and what I’d never had.

The last 6 months were purely divorce and asset division.

When I look at myself, I think about the kind of person I’ve always been.

Keen to make others happy.

Never really putting myself first.

Happy if everybody else was happy.

Appreciative of, more than craving for attention.

Wanting to feel safe, loved and cared for.

Not a fan of conflict.

Loved my friends and family.

Good at my job.

All these qualities made me, me. And I was proud of that person. I felt ready to find somebody who could accept all of that, and who could remind me every now and then that I mattered, too.

The Narcissist Was Irresistible

Like all long term partners, my husband started off as just another man in the world. We met at a bookstore. I was browsing the self-help section to find a book to help with my anxiety. Looking back, I know the first red flag was immediate…

“You look too beautiful to be worrying so much.”

I smiled, and that was how we met.

Over the first few weeks, all he did was listen to me. I felt like a tap that had been switched on, all my emotions, thoughts, triggers, fears and dreams were flowing out of me and he was there with his emotional buckets, sweeping each one up.

He charmed me, and there’s no two ways about that.

I’m asked if I can see it now looking back, and yes, I do. But at the time, all I saw was a person who gave me time, love and attention.

He took my insecurities and promised me that they’d never be an issue.

He gained my trust, and I had no reason to believe he would abuse that.

Things Quickly Went Sour…

When something seems too good to be true, it usually means it is.

In this instance, the change in mood within the relationship became apparent when my ex-husband began to be moderately inconsistent with his emotions.

One day he’d be fine, and he would love the meal I cooked for him.

The next week I’d cook it again, and he’d tell me it was disgusting and that he couldn’t eat it.

He’d joke around, telling me I was gaining weight or aging faster than he could blink, but that he, “still loved me anyway.”

I started to make excuses to not see family and friends because I knew he would have a problem with me going out.

He would tell me things like, “Why do you need them when you have me?”, or, “What boring things will you be doing with them this time?”

When he told me to quit my job and take care of the home, my money eventually ran out, and I had to rely on him for everything.

He would give me money when he felt like it, and withhold all passwords to statements or bills.

He would tell me that it was all being taken care of, and to not worry, so you see how all this wrongful behavior was made to appear to look healthy and fine.

I Needed To Escape

It became clear very quickly that this wasn’t the relationship I was led to believe would be everlasting.

Working through my options while working through my pain was the hardest part of all, and I will never forget having to juggle the two.

Life goes on, even when you are in the most challenging time of your life. For me, I was. And I knew that there was no future in the marriage.

Needing to escape it felt like a process I had to plan, rather than up and leave on the day I knew I’d had enough.

I urge anybody reading this to think similarly, as your choices can drastically change for the worse if you leave without a little forethought. Having said that – if you’re in danger – you need to get out as soon as possible.

What I Did To Get Out

Getting out happened in a few steps. I had told my husband that I was no longer happy, and he tried to change my mind by pretending we were just going through a blip.

I kept thinking of that word.

Blip.

This wasn’t a blip at all.

I reached out to a friend who I knew I could trust, and she let me slowly move my things into her garage. Things he wouldn’t recognize were gone, like my childhood boxes, and my passport.

When the time came, I asked to meet my husband in the park, where I told him I was going to file for divorce. I arranged it in a public place, so I knew I would be safe and could leave when I wanted.

I Got My Life Back

Reclaiming my life over time looked like:

Getting myself a job, so that I could save a few month’s worth of money for putting a deposit down on an apartment.

Reading. I always loved to read, and was told it was a geeky thing to do. I enjoyed finding old classics to re-read, as well as new titles.

I met up with friends I hadn’t seen in a long time – some of them years.

I reached out to a therapist who I saw once a fortnight. She helped me compartmentalize my life, instead of feeling like it was thrown up in the air.

I took the bad days, knowing they had to exist in order to heal. I cried, I stayed in bed. I allowed myself to feel everything that rose up inside me.