I’m Sally.

I escaped a narcissist, my ex-husband to be exact.

Married for twelve long and painful years, I had a ‘now or never moment’ that I will never regret.

Was it the hardest thing I ever did? Absolutely. But what would have ended up being harder was another twelve years – or even one.

So now this baton of liberty I’ve been holding needs to be handed to you. 

It’s your turn.

What Was It About Me?

I want to start by saying how many years I blamed myself for how I was treated.

Of the twelve years of marriage, I blamed myself for 10.5 of them. The last year was about realizing what I’d been through, and grieving both the end of a chapter I wanted to last forever, and what I’d never had.

The last 6 months were purely divorce and asset division.

When I look at myself, I think about the kind of person I’ve always been.

Keen to make others happy.

Never really putting myself first.

Happy if everybody else was happy.

Appreciative of, more than craving for attention.

Wanting to feel safe, loved and cared for.

Not a fan of conflict. 

Loved my friends and family.

Good at my job.

All these qualities made me, me. And I was proud of that person. I felt ready to find somebody who could accept all of that, and who could remind me every now and then that I mattered, too. 

The Narcissist Was Irresistible

Like all long term partners, my husband started off as just another man in the world. We met at a bookstore. I was browsing the self-help section to find a book to help with my anxiety. Looking back, I know the first red flag was immediate…

“You look too beautiful to be worrying so much.”

I smiled, and that was how we met. 

Over the first few weeks, all he did was listen to me. I felt like a tap that had been switched on; all my emotions, thoughts, triggers, fears, and dreams were flowing out of me, and he was there with his emotional buckets, sweeping each one up. 

He charmed me, and there’s no two ways about that. 

I’m asked if I can see it now looking back, and yes, I do. But at the time, all I saw was a person who gave me time, love and attention.

He took my insecurities and promised me that they’d never be an issue.

He gained my trust, and I had no reason to believe he would abuse that.

Things Quickly Went Sour…

When something seems too good to be true, it usually means it is. 

In this instance, the change in mood within the relationship became apparent when my ex-husband began to be moderately inconsistent with his emotions. 

One day he’d be fine, and he would love the meal I cooked for him.

The next week I’d cook it again, and he’d tell me it was disgusting and that he couldn’t eat it.

He’d joke around, telling me I was gaining weight or aging faster than he could blink but that he “still loved me anyway.”

I started to make excuses to not see family and friends because I knew he would have a problem with me going out.

He would tell me things like, “Why do you need them when you have me?”, or, “What boring things will you be doing with them this time?”

When he told me to quit my job and take care of the home, my money eventually ran out, and I had to rely on him for everything. 

He would give me money when he felt like it, and withhold all passwords to statements or bills. 

He would tell me that it was all being taken care of, and to not worry, so you see how all this wrongful behavior was made to appear to look healthy and fine.

I Needed To Escape

It became clear quickly that this wasn’t the relationship I believed would be everlasting. 

Working through my options while working through my pain was the hardest part of all, and I will never forget having to juggle the two.

Life goes on, even in the most challenging time of your life. For me, I was. And I knew that there was no future in the marriage. 

Needing to escape it felt like a process I had to plan, rather than up and leave on the day I knew I’d had enough.

I urge anybody reading this to think similarly, as your choices can drastically change for the worse if you leave without a little forethought. If you’re in danger, you need to get out as soon as possible. 

What I Did To Get Out

Getting out happened in a few steps. I had told my husband that I was no longer happy, and he tried to change my mind by pretending we were just going through a blip.

I kept thinking of that word. 

Blip.

This wasn’t a blip at all. 

I reached out to a friend who I knew I could trust, and she let me slowly move my things into her garage. Things he wouldn’t recognize were gone, like my childhood boxes, and my passport. 

When the time came, I asked to meet my husband in the park, where I told him I was going to file for divorce. I arranged it in a public place, knowing I would be safe and could leave when I wanted. 

I Got My Life Back

Reclaiming my life over time looked like:

• Getting myself a job, so that I could save a few month’s worth of money for putting a deposit down on an apartment. 

• Reading. I always loved to read, and was told it was a geeky thing to do. I enjoyed finding old classics to re-read, as well as new titles. 

• I met up with friends I hadn’t seen in years – some of them. 

• I reached out to a therapist who I saw once a fortnight. She helped me compartmentalize my life, instead of feeling like it was thrown up in the air. 

• I took the bad days, knowing they had to exist to heal. I cried and I stayed in bed. I allowed myself to feel everything that rose up inside me.

• The good days became more frequent over time, and that was what I made sure I held onto.  

It Can Be You

If you think it can’t be you, I’m here to tell you you’re wrong. 

Reclaiming your life isn’t an overnight actionable goal – but I should tell you that the want and desire to do so, is. 

Reach out to anybody who can help and support you, and devise the best plan for you and your circumstance.

I promise that you won’t regret it. 

How To Outsmart The Narcissist?

Outsmarting a narcissist might seem like something you would never be able to do.

Think of all those times that toxic person has made you feel small, or even nothing. The idea of outsmarting them won’t come naturally to you, right?

Wrong!

You can absolutely outsmart a narcissist. They won’t see it coming, they won’t see you coming – and it will be a shock to their narcissistic system!

Finding ways to outsmart a narcissist can be fun, and it will put you right back in control of your life.

So, let’s see a show of hands to see who’s with me?

Narcissists: The Truth Behind the Mask

Narcissists! 

You’ve likely encountered them at some point in your life, right? That’s why you’re here!

Narcissists walk into a room and act like they own it, even if they’ve just walked into your kitchen. It’s incredibly frustrating.  

Masters at creating a toxic air of confidence and superiority, narcissists hide behind their mask. Behind it all? Insecurity and neediness!

You know it well, I’m certain!

Narcissists can be charming and persuasive when they want to be. 

They’re also incredibly convincing at it. 

But don’t be fooled. 

Their charm is a well-rehearsed act designed to get what they want, whether from you or from others.

They thrive on control and manipulation, and will do what it takes to continue this weird game of human chess they are experts at. 

Understanding the core of a narcissist is crucial for all of us – especially you. 

Beneath all charm and smiles, they are often fragile. They fear their true selves being exposed – and they do all they can so that doesn’t happen. 

This fragility makes them dangerous, but it also makes it possible to outsmart them. 

Once you know what exactly is lurking behind the mask, you’ll be much better equipped to deal with their toxic tactics.

They Think They’re So Clever!

Narcissists believe they are the smartest person in the world, and nobody else compares even marginally. 

They convince themselves of this, and do their best to convince others too.

They use their quote-on-quote “intelligence” to dominate conversations and situations, which only makes others feel inferior. Is this a familiar story to you? 

It is to so many people, sadly.

The narcissist has a deep sense of superiority, which acts as a double-edged sword. 

Yes, it fuels their confidence and bravado. But also, it makes them vulnerable to being outsmarted. If you think about it, anybody can outsmart them, and it certainly doesn’t take much at all. 

Their arrogance blinds them to their own weaknesses, which can backfire on them!

What does this mean? Well, it means the narcissist can sometimes really underestimate others. 

Good news for you though – as this overconfidence is where you can find your edge.

Dealing with a narcissist requires more than just holding your ground; it’s about understanding their playbook and using their own tactics against them. They think they’re so clever, but with a little knowledge and strategy, you can turn the tables.

You? Really? …

Yes! Really!

You’re here because you’ve had enough of the narcissist’s mind games, right?

Outsmarting them is now a healthy option for you, and you should definitely do all you can to do it.

If the narcissist is your friend, boss, family member or lover – the time has come to regain control and peace of mind. 

You’re so not alone.

Many people struggle with how to handle narcissists effectively. 

The key? 

Outsmart them!

Let’s get to the good bit…

How to Outsmart a Narcissist

#1 Be Firm – Set Your Boundaries!

Narcissists are known to thrive on pushing limits, no matter who they belong to. Oh yes, expect boundaries to be constantly tested. They will look for your weakness and then exploit them, until now, that is!

The first step in outsmarting a narcissist is to get your boundaries as firm and clear as possible. This means being completely transparent about behavior you will accept, and what behavior you won’t.

Don’t stop short at setting boundaries, you have to enforce them too. When that narcissist attempts to walk all over them, you have to calmly and consistently push back. 

Make your language clear – and assertive. No, they won’t like it, but hey, this isn’t about them anymore, is it? The less emotion you apply, the better. After all, narcissists feed off any kind of reaction.

Composure is key, just like consistency. 

#2 “Gray Rock”

The gray rock method is such an empowering tool when dealing with any narcissist. 

The idea of gray rock is to make yourself as uninteresting and unresponsive as possible.

You might think that sounds easy but it does take a little practice to get it just right.

Remember, narcissists crave drama and seeing you act ‘overly-emotional.’ By being boring and unengaging, you deny them that very satisfaction they seek.

Bingo!

When they try to provoke you, be bland. Be the human equivalent of vanilla.

Avoid showing anger, frustration, excitement – any of it. Over time, they are strongly likely to lose interest in trying to manipulate you because you’re not giving them the fuel they need.

You’ve become so boring!

No…. I am just doing my best to outsmart your attitude…

#3 Deflection – Master It!

Narcissists love to put you on the spot – it’s their attempt to make you feel uncomfortable. 

One way to tackle this is to master what I like to call the art of deflection.

Whenever they try to criticize or undermine you, that’s when you redirect the conversation. Ask them a question that shifts the focus back onto them or onto a neutral topic.

I’ll give you an example.

They criticize your decorating work at home (how predictable, right?) 

Now you respond with, “Interesting point. What do you think about the weather lately?” 

It sounds crazy, but it really throws them off and totally stops them in their tracks. 

#4 Information is Preparation!

Ah yes, narcissists will often use misinformation and lies to manipulate everybody else. 

You can outsmart them here by being well-informed and prepared. Do your research, re-check facts, and even have evidence to back it all up. 

Many people I know have been known to write down information or revert to old texts for screenshots to prove their points. 

This will all reduce the narcissist’s ability to use deception against you.

This is all about concrete information – and who can argue with the facts?

#5 Gather Your Support System

It’s not uncommon for narcissists to isolate their victims to assert themselves and gain more control.

You can maintain a strong network of people you love and trust. Seek support from anybody you know who may understand the situation you’re in, and who can provide advice.

Encouragement is also heavily advised here!

Having that crucial support system will help you stay grounded in your reality. When a narcissist is trying their best to get to you, you have people you can rely on to turn to. 

Let’s start unlock that potential!