So the hoover has officially been switched on (again?!).
You feel that pull, and you can’ stop yourself getting swept up in their gravitational power.
The narcissist is getting you back.
Your withdrawal has given them little option but to engage with you in a way that lures you back to them.
You know in the past, all their attempts have worked. You’re now feeling the worry of it happening all over again.
What do you do?
How can you avoid getting caught up in this mess again?
When will you finally be free?
I have all the answers, and more.
Hoovering?
Hoovering has long been an act of abuse that narcissists apply to their victims in order to manipulate them. This isn’t just about wanting to get them to think one thing, or say another.
Hoovering is about feelings.
When emotions are played with, it can get messy pretty quickly.
As you read through all of this, I want you to ask yourself if you’ve ever been hoovered. I make that comment now, because a lot of healing is about putting the puzzle together piece by piece.
Some may say this topic equates to a very big piece of that puzzle.
How Does it Work?
Hoovering works by the narcissist basically fishing for you. It’s how they get to know you, and show you how much ‘they love you’ by throwing as much attention your way as possible.
They will call you, or text you, or take you out on dates. Narcissists can promise to love you forever and shower you with gifts just so you see their attempts as something resembling ‘love.’
Hoovering can also be used negatively to gain your attention. For example, if you broke up with a narcissist, they might threaten to harm themselves if you don’t get back in touch with them.
Once They Start Hoovering – The Advantage is Already on Them
Hoovering unfortunately is all an act. It’s designed for you to think they love or care about you. In fact – the real reason hoovering exists is to exert more control over you.
At this point, yes, the advantage is with the narcissist.
And it isn’t as if you consciously allowed them in. Nobody ever willingly says, “Yes, let’s let the narcissist in and have them create merry chaos.”
This is anything but merry.
And it’s done in a way that leaves you feeling as though your world is spiraling out of control.
You Left – And They Tell You What You Want To Hear
So let’s think about one thing, here – something I just touched upon.
You have left the narcissist.
The time has come where you are going your own separate ways – or trying to.
What might you hear from them?
I promise I’ll change.
I’ll go to therapy.
I can’t lose you.
I’ll do what it takes.
I promise things will be different.
I love you.
Now, if you’re still in love with the narcissist, you’re going to want to hear every single one of those comments.
You’ll also want them to be true. Maybe they will be?
They seem so genuine this time. Perhaps they’ve turned the corner of conscience.
Here It Comes Again – Same Old – Same Old
Feels familiar, doesn’t it?
The narcissist is great at making you feel familiar emotions, but I keep telling people:
Familiarity doesn’t necessarily mean healthy.
In this instance – it really doesn’t.
You spot the signs and you know the highs that potentially come with them, and that’s what tends to draw people back in.
The red flags are still there – and you ignore them because you’re in the midst of amazing intimacy, or lavish dates.
You’re being blindsided by the truth.
Guilt: Making Excuses For The Narcissist
Yes. Narcissists will make you feel guilty without you even realizing, and it’s a huge part of why people stay.
They really tried.
They were going through a lot and had a really tough time.
They’re really insecure, they don’t mean what they say.
They did take me on that amazing vacation – they really wanted to treat me.
The weaponization of their own victimization comes to play. They know they can make you feel a certain way even just by gesturing it to you – and yes – you take the bait.
Why? Not because you’re stupid, but because you always want to see the best in people. You want to give them the benefit of the doubt. You want them to know that you’re here for them even when times feel tough.
Hope and Fear
You’re hopeful that if you let them back in, things will change.
You fear history repeating itself.
The narcissist then has a job.
Their job is to make you believe that hope trumps fear.
So they try even harder to hoover.
Narcissists Will Always Try and Come Back – Even When You’re Healing
Narcissists don’t have a rule book. They will attempt to re-enter your life even if you’re in a space of healing. They feel they can override anything.
Here’s how to stop them in their tracks!
How to Stop This Hoovering!
It is possible – believe me! Hoovering can become a thing of the past if you apply a few golden rules.
Maintain Your Boundaries
A biggy. Boundaries are seen by narcissists as – well, put it this way – they aren’t seen! So what do you do?
Well, it’s your job to make them very visible, and very strong.
You have to know what you want, and what you will no longer tolerate.
If you stick to those, and refuse to be moved by any action or person – you will come out winning.
Understand The Patterns
They create the patterns people fall into with narcissists. They’re in control of the cycle, because they made it. Now you get to shatter it by acknowledging its existence and demanding change for yourself.
That is how you create new patterns – patterns that don’t involve the narcissist being in your life.
Know What You Want – And Don’t Want
I know it sounds really obvious, but knowing what you want and don’t want from a relationship can help you realize that what you had with the narcissist doesn’t tick any of the “I want” boxes.
When you see it in black and white – it’s quite eye-opening.
Keep Your Distance – In As Many Ways As You Can
Get away from the narcissist. Go no-contact. Avoid them like the plague. Refuse to engage.
It will take every fiber of your being as you go against everything you’ve grown accustomed to.
But you know what?
Getting to the other side is possible – and all that work will be worth your own emotional, physical and mental freedom.
