I can’t take this anymore! I want you to leave!
I cannot stand another minute with you! I’m leaving, and I’m not coming back!
It’s over!
Well – yeah. Those are some ways you can break up with a narcissist, sure. Are they the best ways?
Likely not. You know you’re better than that. And simply leaving an abusive relationship is nigh on impossible and at times even unsafe.
If you’ve been stuck with a narcissist for a long time, you might think it’s forever.
It’s not.
There are ways.
Let’s look at them right now.
Firstly – Congratulations!
I don’t want to overstate the situation here, but clearly, you need to have some form of official recognition for your decision.
Breaking up with a narcissist isn’t like any old breakup.
If you don’t have the conversation, hug it out and wish each other well as you go your separate ways.
It can get messy – really messy.
It can be as traumatic as the relationship itself, as narcissists are fully capable of damaging you extensively on their way out the door.
But… Despite that, you’re ready for it all to be over.
You’re exhausted and know you need to be away from them.
For that, I truly applaud you.
Knowing Your Future is Bright
I think this is what gets people through the hard days. When you feel it’s taking too long, or somebody you know avoids you in the street because the narcissist has spread lies about you post-breakup – you have to think of your future.
It’s bright.
I mean, it can literally be anything you want it to be.
You can travel, or move, or go back to all the hobbies they criticized.
You can feel free. That feeling of being able to do what you want can return, and you don’t have to feel guilty about it.
Your future is in your hands, and all your choices to get there can happen for you.
So, on the days you are unsure if you’re doing the right thing or if the breakup process is holding you back – remember all the brighter things waiting for you.
So What Do You Do First?
It’s hard to know what to do first, especially when your mind is racing with the immediate future.
I don’t want to be the one to tell you to up and leave at the click of my finger.
Some people have an opportunity to leave, and they have means of supporting themselves when they do. By that I mean:
- Finances
- A place to stay
- A support system
Not everybody in abusive relationships has any of those things, and so then it becomes more tricky.
But you have to get all your ducks in a row before you leave.
1. The Escape Plan
The escape plan makes it sound like I want you to draw a map of your house and all the exits. Laser beams, alarms, diamonds … No, I don’t mean any of that.
If leaving is logistically difficult, an escape plan can simply mean packing a bag or making a list of what you need to take with you when you go.
Locating those items in the house means you have them together, and that can look like:
- Your passport
- Another proof of ID
- Your bank cards and details
- Any passwords you have written down for your online accounts
- Anything sentimental of valuable to you
- Documents for your driving license, or job
I even knew of a doctor once who had to make sure her prescription pad was packed because her narcissistic husband was known to forge her signature to get prescriptions!
Take some time and think about what you want to pack, and what you need to pack.
An emergency bag is always worth having, but don’t endanger yourself by leaving it somewhere obvious.
2. Keeping Quiet
A common mistake people make when they want to break up with a narcissist is to tell certain people what their plans are.
I am by no means telling you not to trust anybody, but I am offering you a piece of advice.
Tell only who you must, for example if you need a ride or a place to stay.
If your situation is dire, as many victims are – don’t give your plans away. If there’s a chance the narcissist finds out what you’re doing before you do it, you may be:
- Talked out of leaving.
- Forced to stay.
- Punished.
- Physically or intimately abused.
- Thrown out of the house with nowhere to go.
I don’t want any of that for you.
It needs to be done right.
3. Make Sure You’re Okay
It’s a huge thing, and I won’t downplay it.
I will remind you to care for yourself and stay in touch with your body and mind.
What we experience in life happens to every part of us, from our brains to our backs, hearts to our guts.
Make sure whatever you’re doing, you’re doing it with a conscious and constant check-in with your ‘self.’
4. And If You Need to Leave Suddenly…
You know your situation better than I do, but I know dangerous people.
And if you are in danger, you need to leave.
If you have nowhere to go, look online for various local charities that can support and guide you to the right place.
If you have family and can get there, go there. The same with friends.
If you have a place to work, go there! Your boss will want you to be well, and they can offer you a place to sit and discuss what’s happening.
Don’t Forget Your Duties on Social Media
Come on.
You know what to do.
I know it’s hard.
I know you’ll miss their profile picture (at least briefly).
Delete.
Block.
Change your profile to private.
Whatever it is you need to do to get them to not see you – do it.
Blocking them or temporarily deactivating yours will help cut off those virtual ties. Remember to do the same for people who the narcissist is close to.
You Have To Draw a Line
If you don’t draw that line, you know what will happen.
The line will keep getting crossed and violated by the narcissist, and you will end up with zero energy to want to stop it.
If you are seriously at the point where you cannot keep this up, then that line has to be visible to you so you can move on.
Don’t Be Tempted By The Hoover!
Narcissists will always try to hoover you back, even if you break up with them.
They might try to make you jealous, or remind you of all the ‘good times.’ They can even be known to send you flowers or turn up at your work and convince people you made a mistake.
The hoover is a way of luring you back into the toxic loop.
Breaking up means putting your foot down and ensuring your boundaries are stronger than ever.
No more means no more!
