I can’t take this anymore! I want you to leave!
I cannot stand another minute with you! I’m leaving, and I’m not coming back!
It’s over!
Well – yeah. Those are some ways you can break up with a narcissist, sure. Are they the best ways? Likely not.
You know you’re better than that. Simply leaving an abusive relationship is nigh on impossible and, at times, even unsafe.
If you’ve been stuck with a narcissist for a long time, you might think it’s forever.
It’s not.
There are ways.
Let’s look at them right now.
Firstly – Congratulations!
I don’t want to overstate the situation here, but clearly, you need some official recognition for your decision.
Breaking up with a narcissist isn’t like any old breakup.
If you don’t have the conversation, hug it out and wish each other well as you go your separate ways.
It can get messy – really messy.
It can be as traumatic as the relationship itself, as narcissists are fully capable of damaging you extensively on their way out the door.
But… Despite that, you’re ready for it all to be over.
You’re exhausted and know you need to be away from them.
For that, I truly applaud you.
Knowing Your Future is Bright
I think this is what gets people through the hard days. When you feel it’s taking too long, or somebody you know avoids you in the street because the narcissist has spread lies about you post-breakup – you have to think of your future.
It’s bright.
I mean, it can literally be anything you want it to be.
You can travel, or move, or go back to all the hobbies they criticized.
You can feel free. That feeling of being able to do what you want can return, and you don’t have to feel guilty about it.
Your future is in your hands, and all your choices to get there can happen for you.
So, when you are unsure if you’re doing the right thing or if the breakup process is holding you back – remember all the brighter things waiting for you.
So What Do You Do First?
It’s hard to know what to do first, especially when your mind is racing with the immediate future.
I don’t want to be the one to tell you to up and leave at the click of my finger. Some people have an opportunity to leave, and they have means of supporting themselves when they do. By that I mean:
- Finances
- A place to stay
- A support system
Not everybody in abusive relationships has any of those things, and so then it becomes more tricky.
But you have to get all your ducks in a row before you leave.
1. The Escape Plan
The escape plan makes it sound like I want you to draw a map of your house and all the exits. Laser beams, alarms, diamonds … No, I don’t mean any of that.
If leaving is logistically difficult, an escape plan can simply mean packing a bag or making a list of what you need to take with you when you go.
Locating those items in the house means you have them together, and that can look like:
- Your passport
- Another proof of ID
- Your bank cards and details
- Any passwords you have written down for your online accounts
- Anything sentimental of valuable to you
- Documents for your driving license, or job
I even knew of a doctor once who had to make sure her prescription pad was packed because her narcissistic husband was known to forge her signature to get prescriptions!
Take some time and think about what you want to pack, and what you need to pack.
An emergency bag is always worth having, but don’t endanger yourself by leaving it somewhere obvious.
2. Keeping Quiet
A common mistake people make when they want to break up with a narcissist is to tell certain people what their plans are.
I am by no means telling you not to trust anybody, but I am offering you a piece of advice.
Tell only who you must, for example if you need a ride or a place to stay.
If your situation is dire, as many victims are – don’t give your plans away. If there’s a chance the narcissist finds out what you’re doing before you do it, you may be:
- Talked out of leaving.
- Forced to stay.
- Punished.
- Physically or intimately abused.
- Thrown out of the house with nowhere to go.
I don’t want any of that for you.
It needs to be done right.
3. Make Sure You’re Okay
It’s a huge thing, and I won’t downplay it.
I will remind you to care for yourself and stay in touch with your body and mind.
What we experience in life happens to every part of us, from our brains to our backs, hearts to our guts.
Make sure whatever you’re doing, you’re doing it with a conscious and constant check-in with your ‘self.’
4. And If You Need to Leave Suddenly…
You know your situation better than I do, but I know dangerous people.
And if you are in danger, you need to leave.
If you have nowhere to go, look online for various local charities that can support and guide you to the right place.
If you have family and can get there, go there. The same with friends.
If you have a place to work, go there! Your boss will want you to be well, and they can offer you a place to sit and discuss what’s happening.
Don’t Forget Your Duties on Social Media
Come on.
You know what to do.
I know it’s hard.
I know you’ll miss their profile picture (at least briefly).
Delete.
Block.
Change your profile to private.
Whatever it is you need to do to get them to not see you – do it.
Blocking them or temporarily deactivating yours will help cut off those virtual ties. Remember to do the same for people who the narcissist is close to.
You Have To Draw a Line
If you don’t draw that line, you know what will happen.
The line will keep getting crossed and violated by the narcissist, and you will end up with zero energy to want to stop it.
If you are seriously at the point where you cannot keep this up, then that line has to be visible to you so you can move on.
Don’t Be Tempted By The Hoover!
Narcissists will always try to hoover you back, even if you break up with them.
They might try to make you jealous, or remind you of all the ‘good times.’ They can even be known to send you flowers or turn up at your work and convince people you made a mistake.
The hoover is a way of luring you back into the toxic loop.
Breaking up means putting your foot down and ensuring your boundaries are stronger than ever.
No more means no more!
20 Things That Drive Narcissists Absolutely Nuts
We might all think Narcissists are the strong ones, the ones in control. But in reality, the Narcissist is busy maintaining his fake superior image.
They are fragile creatures inside, and they are afraid everyone will start to notice that.
The idea that they are exposed, being called out, or worse….being ignored drives them NUTS.
Here are 20 things that drive Narcissists Nuts.
#1 Being Called Out:
Narcissists hate when their manipulative tactics or lies are challenged or exposed, as it clashes with the facade they present.
When you call out a narcissist on their manipulative tactics or lies, it strikes a nerve; they loathe having their carefully crafted facade disturbed.
This challenge to their perceived perfection and control can provoke anger or even rage. They’ll often react defensively, redirect blame, or play the victim.
It’s a desperate attempt to maintain their self-created illusion.
#2 Dealing with the Truth
They do not like dealing with the truth, especially when it challenges their false self-image or deceptive narratives.
Narcissists find it incredibly difficult to confront the truth, particularly if it shatters their falsely constructed self-image or undermines their deceitful narratives.
They can’t stand it when reality doesn’t align with their skewed perceptions.
#3 Fighting Back
It can be deeply unsettling when someone reacts firmly against their attempts to control, belittle, or undermine.
Just as they struggle with accepting the truth, narcissists also have a tough time when their attempts to control, belittle, or undermine are met with firm resistance.
It’s deeply unsettling for them when you stand your ground, refusing to be manipulated or put down. They’re used to being in control, and your defiance shakes their world, leaving them frustrated and, often, furious.
#4 Standing Up for Yourself
They are annoyed when others stand up for themselves, as it goes against their desire for dominance.
Pushing back against a narcissist’s dominance can throw them off balance, and they resent anyone brave enough to stand their ground.
Narcissists crave control, and when you assert yourself, you’re denying them that. They can’t stand it when their power is threatened like this.
#5 Ignoring and Blocking Them
Narcissists like to be the center of attention. Being ignored or blocked shakes their esteemed self-image.
While standing your ground can rattle them, denying them the spotlight by ignoring or blocking their efforts is another effective way to shake a narcissist’s self-image.
They crave attention, and they’re left unsettled when you don’t give it.
#6 Silence
Silent treatment can be very aggravating for a narcissist who thrives on the attention.
In the grand theater of human interaction, your silence can be the most disturbing noise for a narcissist. They thrive on attention, and your refusal to engage strips them of that spotlight. It’s their kryptonite, rendering them powerless.
Your silence doesn’t just annoy them, it shakes their self-esteem. So, when dealing with a narcissist, sometimes, silence is golden.
#7 Using Grey Rock Method
A technique involving minimal response to their behavior. They despise being completely deprived of emotional responses to feed on.
Just as your silence can be disarming, employing the Grey Rock Method—giving minimal response to a narcissist’s behavior—can be equally, if not more, infuriating for them.
They thrive on emotional reactions, and you’re robbing them of their power by denying them that.
You’re not feeding their need for drama.
You’re simply a grey rock: uninteresting, unresponsive, and utterly frustrating for them.
#8 Exposure of Who They Are
The fear of revealing their genuine, often insecure self beneath the superficial perfection can cause distress.
Narcissists dread exposing their true selves, hidden beneath layers of crafted perfection and grandiosity. They fear the unveiling of their genuine, often insecure self. This fear isn’t groundless.
It’s possible to be seen without the mask, the facade they’ve meticulously built. The thought of their imperfections being laid bare can distress them immensely. It’s a reality they can’t stand to face.
#9 Being Laughed At
It can trigger a sense of shame or humiliation, challenging their grandiose self-image.
Imagine the scene: you’re laughing at a narcissist, perhaps pointing out a small mistake they’ve made.
This can ignite a deep sense of shame or humiliation in them, directly challenging their inflated self-image. They’re not used to being the butt of a joke.
It’s a hard pill to swallow. It’s a direct hit to their ego and can make them livid.
#10 Knowledge Gap
It can be very irksome for them if they are out of the loop or others know something they don’t.
When you’re privy to information that a narcissist isn’t, it’s like a thorn in their side. They can’t stand being out of the loop. Knowledge gaps drive them crazy.
It’s not just about feeling left out, it’s about their need to be superior. If you know something they don’t, it challenges their self-perceived dominance, and that’s a bitter pill for them to swallow.
#11 Reputational Damage
Narcissists value their reputation and public image highly and any harm to it can drive them into a rage.
If there’s even a hint of damage to their meticulously crafted public image, it can send a narcissist spiraling into a fit of rage. They’ve spent years building and polishing their reputation, so any slight, real or perceived, feels like a personal affront.
They can’t tolerate being seen as anything less than perfect, so they’ll do anything to prevent their image from tarnishing.
#12 Losing Control
Any loss of control, especially over others’ lives, is deeply frustrating and threatening to them.
Just as a narcissist can’t stand the thought of a tarnished reputation, losing control, particularly over others’ lives, deeply unnerves them. You’ll find them scrambling to regain their power, their self-worth attached to the puppeteer’s strings.
They feel threatened and cornered. Any hint of independence from you is met with manipulation, tantrums, or cold dismissal. It’s their desperate bid to remain at the helm, in control.
#13 Denial
Saying “No” to a narcissist can spark extreme anger as they’re not used to being denied what they want.
Denying a narcissist something they want isn’t just a simple ‘no’ for them; it’s an insult to their entitlement, which often triggers an extreme reaction. This ‘no’ sparks an anger they can’t easily quell, because they’re unaccustomed to denial.
#14 Refusing to Play Along
Not feeding into their manipulation games can provoke their ire.
When you refuse to participate in a narcissist’s web of manipulation, their frustration often manifests as anger and hostility. They’re used to having control and playing mind games.
But standing your ground, not feeding into their tactics, truly irks them. It disrupts their power dynamics, forcing them to face an uncomfortable reality: they can’t always get their way.
#15 Losing
They have a deep need always to win. Losing, whether in work, social scenarios, or relationships, can frustrate them.
Narcissists are exceedingly competitive, and a loss in any area of life, whether professional or personal, can send them into frustration and resentment. They’re driven by a need always to win. When they don’t, it’s not just a setback, but a personal affront.
This extreme reaction to losing can lead to strained relationships and workplace conflicts as they struggle to regain control.
#16 Cutting Off Contact
Going ‘no contact’ deprives them of the control and attention they seek, driving them into a frenzy.
Have you ever considered what happens to a narcissist when you cut off all contact?
It drives them absolutely nuts. Narcissists thrive on control and attention; without it, they’re sent into a tailspin.
Going ‘no contact’ strips them of their power, leaving them scrambling for a way to regain it.
It’s a simple yet effective way to kick them off their self-built pedestal.
#17 Independent Thoughts and Opinions
Narcissists strongly dislike when others show autonomy, contradicting their views or decisions.
Exerting your independence and voicing your thoughts and opinions can truly rattle a narcissist’s cage. They can’t stand it when you show autonomy, contradicting their views or decisions. It’s like a direct blow to their inflated ego, leaving them feeling threatened.
#18 Seeing Others’ Success
Other people’s success, especially when surpassing their own, provokes envy and resentment.
When you shine brighter than them, particularly in areas they value, narcissists can’t help but feel a twinge of envy and resentment. Your success, especially if it surpasses their own, drives them up the wall.
It’s a blow to their inflated self-image, triggering feelings of inadequacy. They’re left grappling with bitterness, struggling to accept that someone else is outshining them.
#19 Displaying Empathy
They can’t understand or appreciate empathetic behavior, often viewing it as a weakness.
Just as your success irks them, showing empathy – a trait they can neither understand nor appreciate – is another thing that drives narcissists up the wall. They view it as a sign of weakness, not strength.
This inability to comprehend empathy often leads to frustration and confusion. So, when you’re kind and understanding, you’re not just being good. You’re also getting under a narcissist’s skin.
#20 Feeling Inferior
Anything that makes them feel less superior or important can spark intense negative reactions.
Narcissists often struggle intensely with feelings of inferiority, and anything that suggests they’re less superior or important can trigger extreme negative reactions. They’ll interpret this as a clear sign of disrespect if you slight or overlook them.
They can’t stand being outshone or feeling second best. Always needing to be the center of attention, they’ll overreact if they sense they’re not.
