Narcissists love a hot or cold tap. Turn it on, place your hand under either one, and you’ll get burned or numb.
That’s what they love. Be enraged or be completely fearful. There’s no in-between.
They hate in between.
So… if they hate it – why don’t we collectively ensure we are in-between?
Being indifferent has its perks, and I want to show you how you can achieve that.
All These Years of Trying
I’m sensing your frustration as I type, and I know you haven’t even read this yet.
You’ll yell at me, or at least think, “Alexander – come on! I try not to let them bother me. I try to not let them get under my skin. I try not to allow their moods to affect me. They just do.”
I’m not judging you for that at all. In fact, you’d be crazy to never have reacted emotionally to the narcissist.
The buttons they press and how they pull your soul apart just to be right or play their latest game is nothing short of hideous.
You have probably tried your best to relax and let them get on with it without a care in the world, but where’s the reward for them?
Where’s the reward for you?
I know it may not feel rewarding, but victims often need narcissists in their lives. Those specks of times when the narcissist tells them how wonderful they are or how much they love them – victims need to hear it.
They need to know that they’re loved.
That’s the reward.
And without the discard and devaluation part of the cycle, the hoovering wouldn’t exist.
So sitting back would stop all of that.
You have to want change – and it can’t be from the narcissist.
The Pressure of Wanting Somebody to Change
The reason you want the narcissist to change is because you believe underneath it all that they’re good people.
You even make excuses for them.
They’re tired.
They don’t mean to yell.
They’re quiet from time to time – it’s just how it is.
They don’t like me asking too many questions.
They like to be in charge.
I leave them to all the decision making.
And so on, and so forth.
It’s all because you want to change the narcissist.
You want to change the narrative.
At the moment, it reads:
Toxic person takes advantage of humble, loyal and kind victim.
You want it to read:
Person going through a hard time just needs a little understanding.
But that’s not right.
To accept that, is to start to become indifferent.
Indifference? How Does That Work?
Indifference won’t just come to you, but there are avenues you can take to get to the point where you feel totally indifferent to the narcissist.
Let’s try and break it down a little more.
1. Acknowledging the Pain
It’s a hard one to start with, but acknowledging the pain you experience will help you understand that it even exists.
We can deny what’s happening in our house right under our noses.
It’s never a good idea to do that, though. Over time that looks like brushing off very damaging incidents as ‘just life.’
Your pain matters, and anything you’ve been through will leave a scar. You can’t be the kind of person who walks around covered in scars, pretending you don’t know how you got them.
So how do you even begin to do that?
- Be honest with the facts, not your feelings. The facts are lies, bullying, gaslighting, neglect, inconsistency, inability to engage in deep conversation with you.
- Reflect on your experiences and how they made you feel. Yes, I mean the good and bad. When the narcissist makes you feel good, it’s usually because something bad just happened, or is about to. It’s all to cushion you between the negatives.
- Think about who you were before you met, and who you are now. Can you honestly say that the narcissist is good for you?
2. Acceptance
Acceptance is a powerful tool. We should all have it under our belts for any given situation.
I know it’s hard to accept certain things, and I can appreciate that loving somebody and accepting that it can’t be what you want it to be is probably somewhere near the top of that list.
There are ways you can accept the narcissist for who they are, leading to being completely indifferent to their ways. Here are a few tips:
- Notice when you’re trying to change the situation. Maybe you are faking a smile, or brushing off their latest cutting remark as they’re just having ‘a bad day.’
- Allow yourself to be sad about the reality of what’s going on. Don’t pretend any more. See the relationship for what it is, not what you want it to be.
- Remember that acceptance is a choice. In making this choice, you are giving yourself the chance to change your life course. This doesn’t have to be your story.
- Give yourself time. Time helps accept, and when you get to being able to, you can truly start to become indifferent.
3. Knowing Your Worth
It’s a biggy.
I know it won’t be easy for a lot of you. Your worth was stolen from you, right? And now you feel like you don’t have any at all to work with.
When your worth is under the spotlight and has room to grow, you can do anything you want to do. If it is ignored, you will continue to do exactly what you’ve been doing…
…Things that have evidently not worked out for you.
The shouting back, or the absorption of their toxicity.
Allowing them to make all the decisions because then you can’t be criticized.
You don’t have to make those choices, because you can make new ones based on a new level of self-worth.
One of those choices can be indifference.
Be not interested. But beyond being it – feel it. Why should somebody have all your energy and attention just because they demand it?
Making Moving on EASY
I know it’s hard to move away from the pull of a toxic relationship.
In a way, people become addicted to the ups and downs, the twists and turns, the great and the terrible.
To make moving on easy, you must start with indifference. Notice how you feel when you pull away and give the narcissist nothing.
Think about how it feels to be given that emotional freedom.
You don’t have to concern yourself with the narcissist any longer.
