“I can’t believe they left me. I feel so broken-hearted. Nothing is the same without them.”
Or…
“Thank God we are no longer together. I have zero interest in re-living any of that.”
Which category would you fall in if you split up with a narcissist?
Well, to the narcissist – it won’t matter. If they want to get you back, they have a number of tricks up their sleeve they’re dying to try out on you.
Want to know what those are?
Listen up.
It Starts So Well…
Every narcissistic relationship starts well. Why would it be any other way? There’s got to be a point in time where you actually feel loved and wanted, and where they seem kind and compassionate.
They think of you, and put your needs first. They actively want to spend time with you, and make sure you are their priority.
The reason you fall so quickly is because everything seems so good, when in reality, it’s just ‘too good to be true.’
A long way down that line ends up being the narcissist trying to get you back. So what happens in between that and the perfect beginning I just spoke of.
When it Starts to Signal Toxic
The constant and painful push and pull of toxic relationships are not good for anybody. When you’re in that, it feels like the only thing you’re living for. It takes up so much of your energy. Your time. Your thoughts. Your sanity.
The good moments are so few and far in between, that they feel euphoric when they come about. There’s almost this relief. Maybe this time, things will stay good?
You can have a few weeks, maybe even a few months where everything seems to be going so well.
It never lasts.
And every time it spirals back down to toxic levels, you feel even more exhausted and fatigued than the time before.
Ending it All
There comes a time where you will decide enough is enough. What comes next is something you probably learned to fear in their presence – being without them.
Narcissists make it so scary to think of life without them in it.
The fact is: You survived before them, and you can survive after them. They make it sound terrible because they do not want you to leave.
They love your supply too much.
And Now They Want You Back?!
So here comes the interesting part.
The narcissist wants you back. After literally everything you’ve been through together. All the fighting, all the criticism, all the silent treatment. If anything, you saw how much they didn’t love you.
And now they want you back?
Why?
To do it all again?!
Surely not!
Well, Actually…
The longer you’ve been with a narcissist, the more they’ll know about you. The more they get to know you, the more they will be able to manipulate you.
Manipulation will come in so many different forms, but interestingly, if a narcissist is trying to get you back, it will come thick and fast.
After all that mistreatment, you’ll see them flip their entire persona to suit the agenda of “getting you back.” Where there used to be discard, there will now be hoovering.
Their hope?
To win you over and start the cycle of abuse all over again.
Examples of Hoovering
No, I don’t mean offering to vacuum your home for free. This isn’t a service where you get a spotless living area – this is really intense emotional heart tugging.
- A narcissist can threaten to harm themselves, to get your attention. Saying things like, “I can’t live without you, so if I can’t have you, I’m going to do something.” Designed to provoke a strong response from you, it is a way to reel you in and do what they want you to do – even if you don’t want to do it.
- Contacting you out of the blue. You think it’s all over, and you’re trying to get on with your life. But no. Here they come, like the ghost of Christmas past, trying to resurrect what once was.
- Hoovering can sometimes be showing up and acting like nothing happened. They want you to see there wasn’t a big deal, so you believe it and downplay the entire break-up.
- Lavishing you with so many gifts. Well, it’s fair to say that gifts are lovely to receive from the people we love. Birthdays, holidays, anniversaries – it’s wonderful to show we care, right? Not in this instance. Narcissists will throw anything they can at you, just to prove their ‘love.’ Sadly enough, it works much of the time with people.
Hoovering is no joke. It can get incredibly toxic, as well as what they would deem ‘romantic.’ The idea that a person can win another person back by making threats that pose as confessions of love is beyond me.
It needs to be beyond you, too.
How Narcissists Go About Getting You Back
- They will plague you with texts, emails, letters, calls – and they won’t stop until they get an answer from you (or you block them).
This is their attempt to remind you that they exist. They try everything to get you to reply. They could be mean, threatening, forceful or loving. Their contact is made through sheer desperation.
They need you, and they will do absolutely anything to get you.
- They will send you something that belongs to them in the hope you will return it to them and rekindle what you once had.
Clever, or so they think. They feel you have to reply now, because without asking to, you actually owe them their item of importance back.
- They may turn up at your work, wanting to see you ‘just for five minutes.’ It will give them enough of a chance to try and hook you back.
People you work with will want you to give them the benefit of the doubt. “See how remorseful they look?”, they might ask you.
- They will contact your family and friends and tell them how much they miss you and that they can’t live without you. You mean everything to them. “Please tell them to call me…”
Your family won’t know the real version of the narcissist that you do, so you will be plagued with advice, or things like, “You two were so good together. Can’t you give it one more try?”
- It’s even possible for a narcissist to try and get you back by making you jealous or provoking attention. A new partner to catch your eye, or a new car to try and get you to see what you’re missing by not being with them.
I know it sounds crazy, but this, as well as all the other attempts to get you back, can work.
