Toxic behavior goes hand in hand with every single narcissistic personality. It’s what they exude. It’s how they survive.
And you might think, “Well, they aren’t all bad.”
But you’re wrong.
Even when they’re acting appropriately, there will be consequences. And you will learn how and why they act that way.
But…
How do they expect you to react to their toxic behavior?
Expect the word ‘fireworks’ more than once…
Pressure To Be Cheerful
How far can you go back with this? By this, I mean the incessant pressure to always remain upbeat. Does that sound familiar to you? Because I can assure you, it will make even more sense the more you read on.
Growing up, did you have those comments? You know the ones…
Why are you such a grump?
Where’s your smile gone?
Why can’t you just be cheery?
If you had a narcissistic parent growing up, they would have wanted you to present how they wanted you to present. They were never comfortable with you all the while you were unhappy, saddened, frustrated or quiet.
Why?
Because anything that wasn’t a smile to paper over the cracks was deemed too deep for them to deal with…
…Not that they will admit that to you, of course.
It was all about the image for the narcissist. They wanted to exude a kind of, “Everything’s perfect” persona to the world. Looking back, you now know it was to hide all the imperfections bubbling under the surface.
Everybody needs to look great, and everybody needs to be happy!
Image, image, image!
You know, that might work as a kid. You know that thing: If it looks good, it must be good. The world will wow at how right you as a family have got it.
But what happens when you’re older?
Does it still wash?
Cheerful in Adulthood
In adulthood, it leads to severe cases of pleasing people. You almost excuse toxic behavior and instead see it as a mission to make it better. You see an awkward moment that you feel you can draw light into. A smile, a compliment, a diffusion.
Glazing Over Problems
And yes, there it is. You glaze over problems because that’s how you’ve been taught to deal with other people’s toxicity. You ignore the fireworks going off, and instead try to make everything calm and orderly.
Easy To Gaslight?
It’s absolutely easy for a narcissist to gaslight you into thinking there aren’t any issues with their behavior.
Because you’re also so used to pretending as if nothing is wrong, you’re avoiding what is actually reality. The narcissist – knowing this – finds you easy to gaslight in the future. Any other issue they have is going to be dealt with the only way they know how – to deprive you of your own opinions and beliefs.
And your reaction will then be to just nod and smile.
Everything’s fine.
Actually…
Everything’s not…
You Are Not The Problem!
They will have you thinking you are – but you’re not.
If you were to just drop the people-pleasing for long enough, you will see how damaging their behavior is to you.
The way they treat you.
What they say.
How they act.
What they hold against you.
Who they turn against you.
It’s all designed to make you believe there is something fundamentally wrong with you when in actual fact – you don’t bring any issue to the table.
Hiding and Your Health
I hate to go there, but I have to. It’s one of those matters that you will ignore if I don’t. Talking about difficult matters brings them to life.
Your health is your priority. I have a comparison for hiding how you really feel. It goes like this…
You put a pot on the stove, and fill it with water. You cut up some potatoes to boil, and place them in the water. You put the lid firmly on top, to get them to cook more quickly. The heat is moderate to high. The water starts to get hotter and hotter, and eventually it bubbles over, forcing the lid to tilt and let the starchy water spill all over the stove. There’s a mess everywhere. You know that if you just tilted the lid, the excess energy will be dispelled from the boiling pot. You know if the heat was down just a little, you’d have a simmering pot, rather than have it all become too much.
Your health is that pot. You have control of how powerful the heat is. You can tilt your emotional lid to let your frustrations out from time to time. If you don’t, you’ll become over-responsive to everything, and it will affect your health.
Do you see how comparable that is? Putting a lid over what you feel will cause you to boil over at some point.
You deserve better.
For you. For yourself.
Superficial and Light – Yay! (…)
That’s exactly how the narcissist wants it.
The lighter, the better!
If you fall in line, everything is rosy.
Good for them, right?
Not so good for you…
Discomfort Activated When You Don’t Comply
If you don’t comply with the toxic behavior of a narcissist, things are going to get uncomfortable very quickly.
For you, that is.
Resisting their toxicity by applying boundaries or refusing to get sucked into conflict is how you escape compliance. Is
Narcissistic Relationships Make You Sad – Fake It
I don’t know anybody who has been in a narcissist relationship who is truly happy. Sure, there are moments you might feel like things are going really well, or where the narcissist is having a day off.
Narcissists never really have days off.
You learn over the vast majority of your relationship to do one thing:
You learn how to fake it. You do exactly what you did when you were little and were told to ‘cheer up.’ By default, you know how to pretend everything’s okay.
Sadness Will Find Itself Out In Other Ways
The devastating impact narcissists have on their victims take their toll over time. If you aren’t addressing the consequence their toxicity has had on you, you’re going to be told by both your body and your mind in so many other ways.
The world is always waiting for you to make good choices for yourself. Your job is to listen to how you’re feeling, and know that you have the choice to make a difference in your own life.
If you keep reacting to their toxic behavior in a way that encourages them to remain so – then they will remain so.
You deserve better, and you deserve to see the situation truthfully, and not through any rose tinted glasses.
