Everybody had better run for cover, because this one is a doozy.

Disappointment to many is something we learn to overcome. Stuff happens, things don’t turn out the way we’d hoped:

We learn.

Narcissists don’t know how to learn.

They spend their entire lives teaching us how toxic they truly are.

One way of doing that is by showing us how they respond to disappointment. In fact – it’s a real eye-opening experience!

Prepare for some real truths…

Narcissists and Disappointment: The Lowdown

Any inner core of a narcissist is incredibly fragile. I mean, that is exactly what all their toxic behavior is trying to cover in the first place. It almost serves as a bulletproof vest so they can focus on protecting their insecurities.

Underneath the surface is a person you will struggle to recognize. But don’t worry – the narcissist has their self-protection completely covered. 

Well – that works really well, until it doesn’t. 

Disappointment happens to us all, and it doesn’t have to be huge things either.

You might be shopping for a new outfit, and they don’t have your size. 

You couldn’t park where you usually park.

You missed out on a huge sale.

You got the movie listing wrong, and you missed your screening. 

Then there are the bigger disappointments…

The job you applied for went to somebody else. 

You find out that a family member can’t visit you because they’re sick.

The house you put an offer in for, got a bigger one.

Dealing with it all? Well, you or I would handle all of these disappointments differently from that of a narcissist. 

Narcissists will see all the above as a personal attack upon themselves.

Affect Me? Prepare!

If any of the above were to happen to the narcissist, the world had better prepare for what comes next, because it won’t be pleasant. 

I want to take you to the example I laid out of a family member becoming unwell and being unable to visit them.

If this was something arranged by the two parties, you’re going to see the canceled plans let down the narcissist. 

Sickness. And it happens, right? I get that. We all get sick – even the narcissist gets genuinely sick.

But if the narcissist is being let down here, you’re going to see what I like to call superficial concern.

Superficial concern is the narcissist knowing they can’t get angry with somebody for being sick – so they display a level of concern that kind of makes them look like the good guy.

Underneath it all, they still hold that cancellation against the person, if they can’t necessarily be seen to get directly annoyed at them.

Tantrum: All About Me!

Now – if you had plans with the narcissists and you simply change your mind or text something like, “I’m really sorry, I can’t make it today. I’ve got this thing I have to do,” or something similar – you’d better take cover. 

This is no joke.

The narcissist will interpret your text as:

Hey. Look, I know we said we would meet up today, but something better came along.

• They will get offended.
• They will get angry at you.
• They may even refuse to reply, and punish you by giving you the silent treatment.
• They won’t want to make alternative arrangements that basically leave you in charge of the friendship, calling the shots (that’s how they will see it, anyway).

And what it does to them internally?

• They will feel triggered. This stems from the insecure feeling they have deep down. When I say insecure, I mean they are the worst people for not only having an insecurity, but for not being able to admit to, or even deal with having it.

• To make up for being so insecure, they will offer a perfect version of themselves out to all new people. They will also be accompanied by a higher sense of entitlement. They want everything handed to them on a plate to make up for the fact that they can’t provide it for themselves.

• Disappointment makes them feel out of control. If something doesn’t go a narcissist’s way, they can’t change it. They can’t manipulate it into still being so. So what’s left? Feeling disappointed that what they wanted never happened? Sure. But it’s also about how they feel let down by the power of the universe. 

Frustrating For You? Yes!

As all the narcissist’s vulnerabilities become activated through being disappointed, you will see them struggle with how to deal with being let down. 

You see, a narcissist can’t just deal with something by themselves, which is why they count on you for so many things.

Being let down will damage their ego, so they need you to boost it back up again. Expect:

• Being snapped at.
• Having the disappointment somehow be all your fault.
• Using it as an excuse to criticize or ridicule you.
• Giving you the silent treatment.
• Heading straight into victim mode, where they leech onto you for maximum sympathy.

You know it’s coming, too. You see the familiar patterns, and you know that you’re going to have to deal with it all.

The narcissist doesn’t mind, because they’re used to using you in these instances to feel better about themselves.

Your supply is their lifeline. 

It’s all a huge trigger for them.

And who gets the tail end of that? You do. 

And the worst part is that if you offer help – they will absolutely refuse it. They don’t need your help. They don’t need you to fix them, thank you very much! And I know, you say you want to, out of the kindness of your own heart, but in truth, accepting help is accepting a weakness exists inside of them. 

They just can’t afford to do that. 

Disappointment and Narcissists

So, what is it about disappointment that affects the narcissist so much?

Anger Hides Embarrassment

If a job isn’t offered to them, they have to deal with the fact that somebody in that moment was better than them. Better trained, skilled or experienced – whatever it is, it’s just better. 

It’s embarrassing to be let down. It’s seen as a direct rejection, and narcissists cannot handle rejection.

Disappointment in You Is Never Forgotten

If a narcissist ever becomes disappointed in you… they will never forget it.

Letting them down comes with a big price, and that price is to be constantly reminded of your failings…

…Even if you show remorse!

Narcissists like to remind you of those times you let them down because it takes the attention away from everything they do to let you down. Those moments are forgotten – this is the one time it’s really all about you – not them!

Money – Throw Money at Anything!

If a narcissist can pay off a disappointment, they will. Throwing money at situations doesn’t work, and it ends up looking pretty desperate. 

If someone is leaving them, they will throw money their way in an attempt to lure them back.

It’s also not uncommon for narcissists to bribe their way to success.

There really is no end to what they will do to ultimately succeed.

And it’s pretty sad to witness.