Narcissists love to have friends. You may be surprised to learn that they can have many friends.
Much to your annoyance, these friendships are often talked about, with the narcissist always spending time with them when it suits.
The more time, the more supply, right?
You see – it’s never straightforward. How you define friendships, will not be how the narcissist defines them.
You’re left thinking, “Well hang on. This person is so toxic. How on earth have they managed to get real friends?”
The mistake in the first place would be to assume they’re real at all.
Let me explain…
Friends? A Narcissist?! Hold On…
I know!
You’re in a friendship or even relationship with a friend – and you’ve had a little bit of a breakthrough…
What is it about the narcissist that makes them have actual friends?
I mean – you see the way they are, and how they can treat people. Yet there are others out there willing to hold their hands up and say, “You know what? I’m their friend.”
It doesn’t make sense!
Well, let’s make it make a little more sense…
You’re Feeling…
Confused?
Hurt?
Stuck?
Exhausted?
How is it you can be around this person – this toxic person – and feel all of those things while looking at their list of friends.
On paper, they should be having all those emotions too, right?
Well – a few explanations are possible here.
Maybe they are having those emotions – and you don’t know about them.
Maybe they don’t know the narcissist the way you do.
The Twisted Advantage…
The advantage the narcissist has is that they can pretend to be whoever they want to be for whoever they happen to be around.
And for you that can mean getting the worst version of them possible.
For others? It can simply mean they get the charming version – the version with the mask.
The pretend version.
Large Networks – But Shallow
And yes – with the narcissist there are going to be some surprises for you when it comes to who they view as friends.
Oh yes, I know them, they’re a friend of mine.
Well, hold on a minute. So they’re a friend just because you know them? No. That doesn’t make sense. And it doesn’t necessarily mean anything.
Narcissists have a habit of mistaking associations as friendships. Don’t let it confuse you – and never believe they have many close and deep friendships either.
To the narcissist – friendships are as deep as puddles. They’re superficial.
If anything, friendships commonly come in short bursts because they never usually last the test of time.
They aren’t looking for people with whom to share their entire life histories. They want quantity. They want to know that their phone contacts list is full of people.
But those friendships?
They’re actually constantly changing, as one falls out of favor and another quickly takes their place.
If somebody is keeping it fun, light and superficial – the narcissist will be all in.
Once You Start Talking
As soon as your relationship – in whatever form it was, with the narcissist ends – things can get interesting.
You’ll bump into a mutual friend of the both of you, and get talking. That talking will eventually lead to the topic of the narcissist arising.
You know what? I don’t even really know that much about them.
They seem funny and everything, but we don’t really discuss personal lives.
It all kind of starts making sense, doesn’t it?
Coming to realize that there wasn’t really any connection between them other than a surface one will provide you with a little missing piece to your puzzle.
What About Work?
Interestingly, work where narcissists feel really confident. You’ll hear them talking about a Bob, or a Sarah – or whoever they work with. Friendships can seem real, but in actual fact, there are a few things going on underneath it all.
Less Depth Required
At work, less depth is required. At the end of the day, your main task while you’re there is to do your job. So yes, there are pockets of time you can chat or socialize around the lunch table, but essentially, that’s not where deep friendships are going to be formed with the narcissist.
Narcissists Love Succeeding
The success of narcissists in their workplace is pretty common, as it’s where they establish and recognize a lot of their competition.
Friendships here are likely to be really shallow based on who is performing well, how they’re meeting or not meeting their targets, and any fun anecdotes the narcissist wants to share with you.
Again – there’s nothing deep or meaningful going on.
Seek Out Leadership
Work is where narcissists love to seek out leadership. They feel at ease in the workplace due to the fact that it’s where they find themselves hitting their targets often.
Celebrating in style, the narcissist will turn to you and share names of various coworkers who maybe wanted something to do with their achievement, but didn’t get a look in.
This success can also be how the narcissist feels like they’re gaining true friendships, as people see them as popular in what they do.
Pretentious Relations – Charm and Charisma
Working with a narcissist will reveal to you all their charisma and charm. They exude it in environments that give them results; work is a perfect example.
The Friendship Facade
There are reasons narcissists want to look as though they have a lot of friends.
- The narcissist wants to be wanted. They love to be able to say they have friends, because it confirms their belief that they’re a good, fun person to be around. We know this isn’t true. We know narcissists aren’t good people, and that’s the confusing part. Who are these friends?
- Narcissists love to know a lot of people in order to gain favors. You’ll hear it a lot. “They owe me a favor, I’ll give them a call.” No – they don’t owe you anything. But the more ‘friends,’ the more opportunities for having community servants.
- Going one step ahead of ‘being wanted,’ the narcissist knows it’s in their interests to have many friends – or any at all. If you were to ever say what a terrible person they really are, the narcissist will say, “How can I be that terrible when I have all these friends?” For that reason – the labeling of ‘friends’ would much more suit the label of ‘commodities.’
Self-Righteous Narcissists? Hmmm… It’s All For Show
So there you have it.
Being confused as to why the narcissist has such a long list of friends ought to make a little more sense to you now.
Friends is a loose term. ;Superficial relations with associates’ would make much more sense.
Which should make you feel a little bit better!
