Q: I recently had a baby with a guy that is a narcissist, and we can’t get a long to save my life. He comes in and out of our lives, and acts like he loves me when he feels like it. I can’t keep hanging on the fence and waiting on him to change, and be faithful to me. I don’t know if he will ever change. He blames me for not seeing his child, but it’s not my fault. She was preemie, and I don’t want her staying the night with him yet. I have recommended third party communicating, but he won’t agree to it. How am I supposed to ever co-parent with him? I have tried my best, and I have tried being nice to him, but nothing ever works. He is nice and loves me when he feels like it. And I am dumb enough to still love him. I don’t know how to fix it. Because he is my child’s father and we have to deal with each other from now on. HELP
A: If he is a narcissist, then he will not change. Stop “hanging on the fence and waiting for him to change”. Co-parenting with a narcissist will be difficult but not impossible. There are several good articles on the internet and in books that go into detail on how to co-parent with a narcissistic ex. (Because you “cannot get along to save your life”, only ACTS like he loves you sometimes when he is in the mood, can’t be faithful, and you don’t trust him with the baby…I would recommend thinking about making him an ex). Remember to tell yourself that a narcissist can’t genuinely love you or your baby- he is simply getting his narcissistic supply from you and his only “love” is for himself and his own needs. Third party communication sounds like an excellent idea to me…insist on it. If you follow the No Contact rules (don’t answer emails, change phone number, change door locks and don’t answer the door, etc) then he will have no choice but to follow your lead and communicate through a third party. Arrange child visits through the third party. Only you can stop the yo-yo swings in and out of your life by not letting him back in.
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