Nothing is more scary and complicated than family dynamics that include a narcissist.
As much as I hate to say it, nothing can ever be normal if there is bad blood running through the line. You can wish for peace and solitude, but you’ll never get it all the while they’re around.
Narcissistic mothers work hard to remain both heads of the family, and to ensure every other family member stays in their lane – right where she wants them.
Today is all about showing you how she does this, in the hope that if it applies to you, you will be able to resonate deeply with it. Let’s get into it.
1 Understanding the narcissistic mother’s need for control
A good mom will be the glue that holds the family together, while insisting that the people in it all lead good, separate lives.
Moms know that eventually, it’s time to let go and encourage her kids to grow up and find their passion and purpose.
They raise their children knowing they don’t belong to them, but that they must use their time together to influence and teach right from wrong.
Now we know that, we can start to look at narcissistic mothers and ask ourselves, can the same apply? Can the same be said for toxic mothers, or does everything change?
You guessed it. Everything changes. Narcissistic mothers have an obsession with control.
For them, there is no individuality allowed within the family dynamic, and she will do what it takes to keep every single family member right where she wants them.
2 The dynamic
What does that look like? Well, for you, it might be that you aren’t allowed to do the things you want to do.
Want to go to college? It will either be a waste of time, or only majoring in what she wants you to major in.
Want to get a job? You’d better get one in that city, at this pay rate, doing what she tells you.
Want to date somebody? You’d better prepare for some heavy vetting, and even then, your narcissistic mother may never approve.
That’s when all hell will break loose, because you will always have somebody – somebody toxic come between you and your chosen partner.
You’re pushed around, and yet you have a sibling who is given so much more freedom and encouragement.
You’re constantly compared to them, and it’s not long before you start to see that they’re the golden child, and you’re the scapegoat.
As your narcissistic mother purposely pits you against your sibling, you realize that the dynamic is not one that is in your control. Every outcome boils down to your mother, and where she wants to see you all in it.
Family dynamics where narcissists are concerned will rarely change, unless people stop playing ball.
If one day you decide, “I am done here, and I don’t want to be in this position anymore.” You take yourself away, and vow never to be close with your narcissistic mother again.
While that might work for you and give you peace, your narcissistic mother will implode, not knowing what to do to make up for you being gone.
Who will be her next scapegoat? Where will she go for supply now that you’re no longer in the picture?
3 How a narcissistic mother keeps the dynamics perfect for her
Narcissistic mothers don’t have consciences, and you can’t force them to suddenly have one.
It’s not in their blood to care what others think, so the dynamics that she controls are non-negotiable. You either put up with it, or you make the tough decision to go no-contact, which can only really be done when you are able to move out.
Until then, or if you remain in the dynamic, your narcissistic mother will have everything she wants. She will pull the strings in these ways:
- Conflict wherever possible. * Pit her children against each other by picking her golden child and scapegoat. * Triangulating people, causing people to fall out and never see that she caused it all. * Heavily control the status quo of the house. What she says, goes. * Know who she can manipulate the most, and who she can’t get away doing it so much with.
The dynamics will only suit her, and never anybody else.
4 Having everything her own way
It’s heaven for a narcissistic mother to have everything her own way. She has carved out the perfect family (for her), and she wants to make the main focal point image.
You, as part of her family, have to fit that image, no questions asked. In fact, narcissistic mothers will program her family to believe that what goes on in the family, stays in the family.
You won’t be allowed to talk about your problems to anybody else, or speak ‘ill’ of her, either.
We have an image to uphold. We are the perfect family, everybody is jealous of us. What goes on, stays between us. Don’t gossip about our family. People are jealous of us.
As a kid, you will go along with this, strongly believing that people are jealous of your family.
They wish they were as close and strong as you were, with an unbreakable bond, but the truth is, it’s all fabricated to detract people from your abusive mother.
If you aren’t talking, nobody is suspecting.
Your narcissistic mother will reward you for your loyalty. You will be golden in her eyes, and the more you keep up the narrative that you are a family force to be reckoned with, the happier she will be.
After all, with every one of those days that passes, she gets away with her control and manipulation that little bit more.
5 The moment you question it…
I will preface this by saying, there’s really no going back once you have questioned your narcissistic mother.
If you have got to the point where you’ve told her you suspect something amiss in her treatment of you, or obsession with the family dynamics, you may as well pack your bags and go.
In that single moment, you have proven that you cannot be trusted, and that your loyalty doesn’t exist. You’ve exposed her even if it was innocently done, and you can’t put the worms back in the can.
The thing with narcissistic mothers is, they gave birth to you. They’re supposed to nurture you, care for you and show their protective side as you grow, learn, and become your own person.
You won’t get that with your mum if she’s a narcissist. You’ll be treated like you don’t matter, and your mother’s ultimate goal will override all the other things that should make you close with each other.
She will use you, to the point where you no longer know what real maternal love is.
This is my warning to you, because I have no doubt there are droves of you out there who know exactly what it feels like to be caught up in a dynamic that involves a narcissistic mother.
Hang in there. You are in charge of your own life.
