Feeling trapped in a narcissistic relationship means you’re aware that something is majorly wrong, and that it needs changing stat.
It’s a good thing to feel that way, but many see it as the worst because they feel their life will be completely destroyed in the process of walking away.
And no, it isn’t always sensible to up and leave – after all – you need to take care of yourself and do it safely.
Leaving can feel impossible – but it isn’t. I want to show you why, and how you can overcome that (hopefully) final feeling of guilt.
Is it time to reclaim your power?
Yes!
I Know It Feels Impossible
Take a deep breath.
I know it can seem totally impossible to leave a narcissist, without even considering your future in it all.
What feels the most impossible of it all is how you can convince yourself that it’s the right thing to do.
Weighing up your options feels like you’re deciding out of a choice of terrible things that don’t come close to the terrible ways you’ve been treated.
The impossibility comes from your lack of self-belief, and the empty void in your heart where your confidence once strongly resided.
It won’t stay that way forever, I promise you.
What Holds You Back?
Needing help to leave a narcissist is one thing, but assuming your life will be destroyed is assuming it’s currently perfect and manageable.
It’s not.
So, what things do you feel hold you back when you think about leaving?
Is it the security of having somebody?
Is it finances?
Is it the belief that nobody else will want you?
Is it the uncertainty of approaching loved ones and telling them the relationship didn’t work out?
Do you already feel like a failure in love?
None of the above has to hold you back, but it does to so many.
That’s why they insist on staying in relationships that are abusive and unhealthy.
Can Things Get Worse?
The most ironic part of staying in an abusive relationship is the idea that it will get worse if you leave.
There’s nothing worse than being stuck with an abuser. Living with them day in, and day out.
Listening to the way they drag you down and make you feel worthless. They take away your happiness and independence. They threaten you and control you. They make you miserable.
I’ve known people to leave with nothing but an overnight bag to start again somewhere new, and alone.
I’m not saying that doesn’t sound scary, and I certainly am not making a light meal of how courageous that is – but it’s possible.
That first day you leave makes you feel the most vulnerable you’ve probably ever felt, but it only gets better from that moment.
Those days, weeks and months after separating from a narcissist will probably give them the space and time to create a false character of you.
They will present it to everybody they know in the hope they can turn the world against you.
In their eyes, you wanted to be alone – so now you will be.
Does that work with everybody?
I won’t lie – it works with some people. They will make their minds up, and you’ll be surprised who will side with the narcissist – but that’s not the end game for you.
Who is The Destructive One
I think this is what most people tend to forget – the destructive one isn’t you, even if the narcissist’s narrative tells you it is.
Victims spend too much time lost in the strong belief that they’re somehow to blame; that they caused the narcissist’s behavior.
If you’re a victim, or ever have been – you didn’t.
Destruction only comes from the person holding all the power to be so, and narcissists thrive on having that power.
They see it as automatic entitlement, and a way to get what they want, when they want it.
Leaving the narcissist means you get to reclaim your life and get your power back again, and if they’re telling you otherwise, it’s only to make you not want to leave them.
Where Your Power Lies
Your power has always been in your ability to make decisions that are right for you. It’s where all our power lies, but narcissists can convince you that you don’t have any at all.
When you decide to leave the narcissist, your brain is going to make up reasons why that’s not going to be possible without severely destroying your life.
These thoughts derive from the way the narcissist has programmed you over the years to believe you won’t cope without them.
In reality, you can. You’ve been left weakened by their abuse, but you still have the choice to walk away.
That choice never goes anywhere, but the narcissist hides it well.
Your power lies in finding it!
Making Leaving Safe
I’m a firm believer in never giving advice that could put you at risk of any danger or further conflict that may make matters worse for you. That being said, it’s got to be right to walk away.
If you’re considering leaving your narcissistic partner, I urge you to consider your own situation rather than directly doing it.
This might look like:
- Making sure you have somewhere safe to go.
- Confiding in a trusted person who you know will help you rather than tell everybody what your plans are.
- Make sure you have any ID or official documents like passports packed and ready to take with you.
- Don’t threaten to leave, or say when you’re going. If you need to leave quietly, do it quietly.
- If you can, put a little money aside to help you get to where you need to go.
I know it sounds crazy, but sometimes it’s actually safer to stay with a narcissist until you can plan your next step.
If you’re being seriously assaulted in any way – that’s a very different story – you know what you need to do.
Knowing When Holding On Is More Painful
I liken holding onto a narcissist like holding onto a rope that’s cutting your hands. Is it more painful to keep holding on, or will it help you heal to let go and allow your hands to recover?
You are your hands, and the only way you will recover from a narcissist is by letting them go.
If you feel doing so will destroy your life, you’re not looking at the bigger picture. I think sometimes there is an overwhelming excuse to stay with the narcissist because you want to be seen to do the right thing by them.
Knowing, realizing and admitting that they don’t care about you will help you begin to do the right thing by you.
