Feeling trapped in a narcissistic relationship means you’re aware that something is majorly wrong, and that it needs changing stat.
It’s a good thing to feel that way, but many see it as the worst because they feel their life will be completely destroyed in the process of walking away.
And no, it isn’t always sensible to up and leave – after all – you need to take care of yourself and do it safely.
Leaving can feel impossible – but it isn’t. I want to show you why, and how you can overcome that (hopefully) final feeling of guilt.
Is it time to reclaim your power?
Yes!
I Know It Feels Impossible
Take a deep breath.
I know it can seem totally impossible to leave a narcissist, without even considering your future in it all.
What feels the most impossible of it all is how you can convince yourself that it’s the right thing to do.
Weighing up your options feels like you’re deciding out of a choice of terrible things that don’t come close to the terrible ways you’ve been treated.
The impossibility comes from your lack of self-belief, and the empty void in your heart where your confidence once strongly resided.
It won’t stay that way forever, I promise you.
What Holds You Back?
Needing help to leave a narcissist is one thing, but assuming your life will be destroyed is assuming it’s currently perfect and manageable.
It’s not.
So, what things do you feel hold you back when you think about leaving?
Is it the security of having somebody?
Is it finances?
Is it the belief that nobody else will want you?
Is it the uncertainty of approaching loved ones and telling them the relationship didn’t work out?
Do you already feel like a failure in love?
None of the above has to hold you back, but it does to so many.
That’s why they insist on staying in relationships that are abusive and unhealthy.
Can Things Get Worse?
The most ironic part of staying in an abusive relationship is the idea that it will get worse if you leave.
There’s nothing worse than being stuck with an abuser. Living with them day in, and day out.
Listening to the way they drag you down and make you feel worthless. They take away your happiness and independence. They threaten you and control you. They make you miserable.
I’ve known people to leave with nothing but an overnight bag to start again somewhere new, and alone.
I’m not saying that doesn’t sound scary, and I certainly am not making a light meal of how courageous that is – but it’s possible.
That first day you leave makes you feel the most vulnerable you’ve probably ever felt, but it only gets better from that moment.
Those days, weeks and months after separating from a narcissist will probably give them the space and time to create a false character of you.
They will present it to everybody they know in the hope they can turn the world against you.
In their eyes, you wanted to be alone – so now you will be.
Does that work with everybody?
I won’t lie – it works with some people. They will make their minds up, and you’ll be surprised who will side with the narcissist – but that’s not the end game for you.
Who is The Destructive One
I think this is what most people tend to forget – the destructive one isn’t you, even if the narcissist’s narrative tells you it is.
Victims spend too much time lost in the strong belief that they’re somehow to blame; that they caused the narcissist’s behavior.
If you’re a victim, or ever have been – you didn’t.
Destruction only comes from the person holding all the power to be so, and narcissists thrive on having that power.
They see it as automatic entitlement, and a way to get what they want, when they want it.
Leaving the narcissist means you get to reclaim your life and get your power back again, and if they’re telling you otherwise, it’s only to make you not want to leave them.
Where Your Power Lies
Your power has always been in your ability to make decisions that are right for you. It’s where all our power lies, but narcissists can convince you that you don’t have any at all.
When you decide to leave the narcissist, your brain is going to make up reasons why that’s not going to be possible without severely destroying your life.
These thoughts derive from the way the narcissist has programmed you over the years to believe you won’t cope without them.
In reality, you can. You’ve been left weakened by their abuse, but you still have the choice to walk away.
That choice never goes anywhere, but the narcissist hides it well.
Your power lies in finding it!
Making Leaving Safe
I’m a firm believer in never giving advice that could put you at risk of any danger or further conflict that may make matters worse for you. That being said, it’s got to be right to walk away.
If you’re considering leaving your narcissistic partner, I urge you to consider your own situation rather than directly doing it.
This might look like:
- Making sure you have somewhere safe to go.
- Confiding in a trusted person you know will help you rather than tell everybody your plans.
- Make sure you have any ID or official documents like passports packed and ready to take with you.
- Don’t threaten to leave, or say when you’re going. If you need to leave quietly, do it quietly.
- If you can, put a little money aside to help you get to where you need to go.
I know it sounds crazy, but sometimes it’s actually safer to stay with a narcissist until you can plan your next step.
If you’re being seriously attacked in any way – that’s a very different story – you know what you need to do.
Knowing When Holding On Is More Painful
I liken holding onto a narcissist like holding onto a rope that’s cutting your hands. Is it more painful to keep holding on, or will it help you heal to let go and allow your hands to recover?
You are your hands, and the only way you will recover from a narcissist is by letting them go.
If you feel doing so will destroy your life, you’re not looking at the bigger picture. I think sometimes there is an overwhelming excuse to stay with the narcissist because you want to be seen to do the right thing by them.
Knowing, realizing and admitting that they don’t care about you will help you begin to do the right thing by you.
How To Outsmart The Narcissist?
Outsmarting a narcissist might seem like something you would never be able to do.
Think of all those times that toxic person has made you feel small, or even nothing. The idea of outsmarting them won’t come naturally to you, right?
Wrong!
You can absolutely outsmart a narcissist. They won’t see it coming, they won’t see you coming – and it will be a shock to their narcissistic system!
Finding ways to outsmart a narcissist can be fun, and it will put you right back in control of your life.
So, let’s see a show of hands to see who’s with me?
Narcissists: The Truth Behind the Mask
Narcissists!
You’ve likely encountered them at some point in your life, right? That’s why you’re here!
Narcissists walk into a room and act like they own it, even if they’ve just walked into your kitchen. It’s incredibly frustrating.
Masters at creating a toxic air of confidence and superiority, narcissists hide behind their mask. Behind it all? Insecurity and neediness!
You know it well, I’m certain!
Narcissists can be charming and persuasive when they want to be.
They’re also incredibly convincing at it.
But don’t be fooled.
Their charm is a well-rehearsed act designed to get what they want, whether from you or from others.
They thrive on control and manipulation, and will do what it takes to continue this weird game of human chess they are experts at.
Understanding the core of a narcissist is crucial for all of us – especially you.
Beneath all charm and smiles, they are often fragile. They fear their true selves being exposed – and they do all they can so that doesn’t happen.
This fragility makes them dangerous, but it also makes it possible to outsmart them.
Once you know what exactly is lurking behind the mask, you’ll be much better equipped to deal with their toxic tactics.
They Think They’re So Clever!
Narcissists believe they are the smartest person in the world, and nobody else compares even marginally.
They convince themselves of this, and do their best to convince others too.
They use their quote-on-quote “intelligence” to dominate conversations and situations, which only makes others feel inferior. Is this a familiar story to you?
It is to so many people, sadly.
The narcissist has a deep sense of superiority, which acts as a double-edged sword.
Yes, it fuels their confidence and bravado. But also, it makes them vulnerable to being outsmarted. If you think about it, anybody can outsmart them, and it certainly doesn’t take much at all.
Their arrogance blinds them to their own weaknesses, which can backfire on them!
What does this mean? Well, it means the narcissist can sometimes really underestimate others.
Good news for you though – as this overconfidence is where you can find your edge.
Dealing with a narcissist requires more than just holding your ground; it’s about understanding their playbook and using their own tactics against them. They think they’re so clever, but with a little knowledge and strategy, you can turn the tables.
You? Really? …
Yes! Really!
You’re here because you’ve had enough of the narcissist’s mind games, right?
Outsmarting them is now a healthy option for you, and you should definitely do all you can to do it.
If the narcissist is your friend, boss, family member or lover – the time has come to regain control and peace of mind.
You’re so not alone.
Many people struggle with how to handle narcissists effectively.
The key?
Outsmart them!
Let’s get to the good bit…
How to Outsmart a Narcissist
#1 Be Firm – Set Your Boundaries!
Narcissists are known to thrive on pushing limits, no matter who they belong to. Oh yes, expect boundaries to be constantly tested. They will look for your weakness and then exploit them, until now, that is!
The first step in outsmarting a narcissist is to get your boundaries as firm and clear as possible. This means being completely transparent about behavior you will accept, and what behavior you won’t.
Don’t stop short at setting boundaries, you have to enforce them too. When that narcissist attempts to walk all over them, you have to calmly and consistently push back.
Make your language clear – and assertive. No, they won’t like it, but hey, this isn’t about them anymore, is it? The less emotion you apply, the better. After all, narcissists feed off any kind of reaction.
Composure is key, just like consistency.
#2 “Gray Rock”
The gray rock method is such an empowering tool when dealing with any narcissist.
The idea of gray rock is to make yourself as uninteresting and unresponsive as possible.
You might think that sounds easy but it does take a little practice to get it just right.
Remember, narcissists crave drama and seeing you act ‘overly-emotional.’ By being boring and unengaging, you deny them that very satisfaction they seek.
Bingo!
When they try to provoke you, be bland. Be the human equivalent of vanilla.
Avoid showing anger, frustration, excitement – any of it. Over time, they are strongly likely to lose interest in trying to manipulate you because you’re not giving them the fuel they need.
You’ve become so boring!
No…. I am just doing my best to outsmart your attitude…
#3 Deflection – Master It!
Narcissists love to put you on the spot – it’s their attempt to make you feel uncomfortable.
One way to tackle this is to master what I like to call the art of deflection.
Whenever they try to criticize or undermine you, that’s when you redirect the conversation. Ask them a question that shifts the focus back onto them or onto a neutral topic.
I’ll give you an example.
They criticize your decorating work at home (how predictable, right?)
Now you respond with, “Interesting point. What do you think about the weather lately?”
It sounds crazy, but it really throws them off and totally stops them in their tracks.
#4 Information is Preparation!
Ah yes, narcissists will often use misinformation and lies to manipulate everybody else.
You can outsmart them here by being well-informed and prepared. Do your research, re-check facts, and even have evidence to back it all up.
Many people I know have been known to write down information or revert to old texts for screenshots to prove their points.
This will all reduce the narcissist’s ability to use deception against you.
This is all about concrete information – and who can argue with the facts?
#5 Gather Your Support System
It’s not uncommon for narcissists to isolate their victims to assert themselves and gain more control.
You can maintain a strong network of people you love and trust. Seek support from anybody you know who may understand the situation you’re in, and who can provide advice.
Encouragement is also heavily advised here!
Having that crucial support system will help you stay grounded in your reality. When a narcissist is trying their best to get to you, you have people you can rely on to turn to.
Let’s start unlock that potential!
