Would you eat nothing but junk food? Wouldn’t it make you feel quite unwell after a short time?
So why do people ingest unhealthy relationships, knowing it won’t make them feel good?
Narcissists crave control, not connection.
As soon as you put them in a healthy relationship,they won’t be able to swim for very long.
Why?
Well, true intimacy is not something they sit well with. It demands a lot from them, and they can’t play their usual games as a result.
What demands? What Games?
Look no further!
“But I Thought It Was…”
Oh, believe me. I know you did.
I know you entered this thinking, “I’ve met somebody quite special, here.”
I know you met the narcissist, and thought, “This person knows me. This is amazing!”
It all felt so healthy and wonderful, but there is no such thing as perfect unless you’re talking about cheesecake.
Initial instincts are usually way off the mark, and the more time you spend with the narcissist, the more you’ll realize this.
You’ll offer your version of what you know to be a good relationship, and they will take advantage of all those things. You know what I’m talking about:
Honesty
Vulnerability
Connection
Respect
Love
Affection
Talking
Sharing
And then suddenly – it’s all gone.
Healthy Love? No Thanks!
No.
It’s not for the narcissist to want or crave anything healthy, but they don’t really know that.
They’re not going to say, “You know what? I hate healthy relationships, so if it’s okay with you, I’ll just keep abusing you.”
Instead, unhealthiness is all they know.
Unhealthiness is a result of their own needs not being met.
Unhealthiness is the only way they can push and pull the dynamics to suit them when they need to.
Things have to stay unhealthy, otherwise there’s not much in it for the narcissist.
Quick Reminder For You
Now – I’ll cut in here with a little burst of therapy.
A reminder that you are not obliged to stay with somebody just because you think things might work out is due.
You can offer a healthy relationship to somebody deserving and special. You know you have it in you to be open, loving, compassionate, and kind.
Your caring nature is how you try to find somebody suited to you, yet you end up with a narcissist.
This unhealthy relationship will do nothing but destroy you.
I’d rather see them struggle, than you.
Love With No Drama? Say What?!
Back to business!
Don’t we all love ‘love with no drama?’
For those of you unfamiliar with that concept, I want you to think back to all your past relationships, even back to your childhood.
What made you attracted to the narcissist before it got unhealthy? Now you know what attracted you, ask yourself this:
Was that very thing unhealthy too?!
Love-bombing is toxic, but at the time it just feels nice to get attention from somebody without feeling like you need to earn it.
Narcissists will spot the people who respond well to their charm and discard anybody who fails to fall for it.
Why Narcissists Avoid Emotional Health
When it comes to emotional health in relationships, there is a certain amount of avoidance and a feeling of, “I just cannot even fathom what this is.”
For starters, your love for them will never be understood. If anything, it’ll provoke the, “Come on now, stop being so weak and feeble” response in them.
They see your love as clingy, yet without it, they don’t get the attention they want from you.
So goes the push and pull of your love. They want it, but then it gets too intense—too emotional—and they reject it—you. After a while, they need it again, to be reminded that people can love them.
Narcissists were likely never raised in emotionally open and healthy households.
Someone in there would have prevented them from expressing themselves, which may have led to certain emotions almost being off limits.
Don’t cry, or I’ll give you something to cry about!
Stop crying, you great big baby!
Toughen up! Nobody likes a wimp!
Calm down, what have you got to be so happy/excited about?!
Certain emotions had lids on them, never to be opened, while others were free to go.
They will have seen plenty of anger, resentment, jealousy, criticism, shouting, rage, entitlement, hate, and slyness.
You adjust to any environment you’re in if you’re there long enough. That doesn’t mean you like it, but it means you know how to maneuver your way around, and what to not say or do to rock the boat.
Narcissists grow up to fit the mold that parents want.
It’s either:
I fight to be the best, because nothing else was ever good enough
Or
I hide away all I hate about myself and build an empire on my ego
Or mostly…. Both.
Neither are healthy, but both explain why healthy relationships are never an option for the narcissist.
Conflict to Keep You On Edge
Narcissists are seldom happy in their relationships, but if they are ever asked why, expect that finger of blame to come right your way!
Yes, they furiously deny any wrongdoing. They’re just living their life the best way they know how. It’s you. You don’t do enough. And you’re never good enough for them, either.
The one problem narcissists have that is central to their character is the inability to ground themselves safely and happily in a world of love, vulnerability, and trust.
A place where it’s okay not to be perfect. A place where you can love and be loved at the risk of losing it all someday.
And so, there’s conflict. There’s lots of conflict to keep you from being too close, too much.
And for you, that means navigating stormy waters when you only want to relax in a calm sea with the person you love most.
“I Hurt You, I’m Sorry. I’ll Do It Again Now…”
Narcissists hurt people, whether you fall in love with one or find out you’re related to one.
They are never good people to be around, and something will always happen that confirms their struggle with healthy connections.
As you watch them struggle, you wonder if things will ever change, but they don’t. Narcissists know what their limits are, and where they begin to feel incredibly uncomfortable.
This means their apologies are often shallow and superficial.
They may say sorry so that you can feel better and stop bothering them, but that doesn’t mean they won’t hurt you again another time.
You See?
It’s a lot to take in, and I could talk about this forever.
Narcissists aren’t healthy people, so it’s inevitable that they won’t like healthy relationships.
Why would you, when you treat people daily as if they are commodities instead of humans?
