Phone calls and narcissists are best friends. The narcissist’s keen fingers love to dial you up and say what they want to say – and you just tolerate it…
…Like you tolerate everything else.
When you get a call from a narcissist, it’s never going to begin or even end normally. There’s so much I can tell you that will help you, so without further ado, let’s explore that power play in more detail.
“You Will Be Controlled!”
Nobody goes into a relationship willingly handing over the control to the other person. We enter them assuming that respect, compromise and honesty will be huge aspects of it.
What do you think of when you think of control?
If you hate making decisions, a partner can encourage you to think and act on what you want or would like, without taking over the entire situation.
Narcissists don’t operate that way. If they see you as somebody indecisive, they will take full advantage of that and use you as their puppet.
Do as I say!
I make the choices around here!
You don’t know what you like, so let me tell you!
It’s all a ploy to have dominance and power over a person, and that’s what narcissists do best.
Being At Their Beck and Call…
Phones are a great way to connect people, not just locally, but all over the world. If you have the number of somebody 8,000 miles away, you can call them and talk to them.
I love that about phones. We live in a world that’s more ‘together’ in that sense than it’s ever been.
It also has a downside though – and that downside is seeing you being at the beck and call of the narcissist in your life.
Being called at 11am or 11pm can be hell when all you want to do is have time to yourself, or switch off.
In fact, I can think of at least a dozen people in my professional life I’ve met who have narcissistic parents that call and make unrealistic demands all hours of the day and night.
How Their Power Becomes Your Life Over Time
You aren’t ever really given a chance to empower your own life when you’re under the spell of a narcissist. In normal circumstances, couples encourage each other to thrive and be the best version of themselves.
There’s compromise and understanding – and a level of communication that allows for honesty and openness.
Narcissists prefer to use their power to withhold all of that, and take away any kind of inclination for you to thrive.
You merely survive.
Over the span of a lifetime – if you’re unlucky enough to live with a narcissist that long – their power is your life. It’s not yours to own or shape any way you dream of.
I need you to understand the part that phone calls play in all of this – because it’s largely forgotten or misinterpreted.
Phone Calls, Narcissists and The Play of Power
#1 Hanging Up On You
One moment you’re talking nicely, and the next, they decide to hang up on you as you’re halfway through talking.
You’re confused, and you have every right to be. Why are they hanging up on you? What did you say or do that was so wrong?
In truth, it was nothing. You did nothing wrong, and too many victims of narcissism forget to consciously check that.
Honestly, you are being you, and that’s all people can ask for. Narcissists however, are also just being them, and that’s a lot more to deal with.
Being hung up on can sometimes occur during over-the-phone conflict, and that is equally upsetting for the person being left high and dry. That’s what it feels like, doesn’t it?
You’re keen to get your point across, yet you’re met with somebody unwilling to listen to you, or work through it maturely and in an emotionally regulatory manner.
It’s a complete power play when they have the last word and hang up – and their intention is to leave you wanting to do the chasing, while they sit back and smirk their way through your 12 missed calls and texts.
#2 Talking Over You
Hands up who has ever been talked over by a narcissist?
(My hand went up, that’s for sure!)
Narcissists love to talk over people. Why? For the simple reason being that they feel whatever they have to say is more important than anybody else. What they’re saying needs to be heard, they need to exert their authority. They want to seem as though their voice is the most powerful and the most heard out of everybody.
And if you try to speak over them – well – make sure you prepare for the narcissistic wrath that follows!
#3 Putting You On The Spot
I’m calling to ask if you can meet me for lunch today. I’ve got an important conversation I need to have with you.
That potential lenient has invited us out to dinner tonight and I need to make a good impression.
Anything and everything you can think of that may put you on the spot can be done over the phone.
You might even be in line at the grocery store – and the narcissist will call and make demands.
For you? It’s no fun at all.
If you don’t answer – there will be hell to pay.
If you do – you know something’s going to go down.
They will use your uncertainty and keenness to please, against you at every opportunity.
#4 Setting You Up For Later
Couples work, right? You can go all day without seeing them, and have a great day in the process. So what happens when you have no idea what kind of mood the narcissist is in?
They can call you and let you know.
Or maybe you’re calling to see how they are, and they’re being purposefully aloof.
You wonder what’s gone on, what’s happened, and why they’re being this way.
Now all day, you’re left building this anxious anticipation up inside you, and it’s so damaging.
#5 They Will Punish If You Don’t Pick Up
Be there and answer when they call, or they are immediately going to start plotting their revenge (which could mean reverting to the blocking or silent treatment we talked about earlier).
Narcissists are the most entitled people you will ever meet. In their eyes, they need you to respond as soon as they try to converse with you. If you don’t it’s directly perceived by them as some kind of rejection – their worst nightmare.
In turn, the power play is that you drop everything to answer before they get a chance to hang up.
And that is no way to live.
