Phone calls and narcissists are best friends. The narcissist’s keen fingers love to dial you up and say what they want to say – and you just tolerate it…
…Like you tolerate everything else.
When you get a call from a narcissist, it’s never going to begin or even end normally.
There’s so much I can tell you that will help you, so without further ado, let’s explore that power play in more detail.
“You Will Be Controlled!”
Nobody goes into a relationship willingly handing over the control to the other person.
We enter them assuming that respect, compromise and honesty will be huge aspects of it.
What do you think of when you think of control?
If you hate making decisions, a partner can encourage you to think and act on what you want, without taking over the entire situation.
Narcissists don’t operate that way. If they see you as somebody indecisive, they will take full advantage of that and use you as their puppet.
Do as I say!
I make the choices around here!
You don’t know what you like, so let me tell you!
It’s all a ploy to have dominance and power over a person, and that’s what narcissists do best.
Being At Their Beck and Call…
Phones are a great way to connect people, not just locally but all over the world. If you have the number of somebody 8,000 miles away, you can call them and talk to them.
I love that about phones. We live in a world that’s more ‘together’ in that sense than it’s ever been.
It also has a downside, though – and that downside is seeing you being at the beck and call of the narcissist in your life.
Being called at 11 am or 11 pm can be hell when all you want to do is have time to yourself, or switch off.
In fact, I can think of at least a dozen people in my professional life I’ve met who have narcissistic parents who call and make unrealistic demands all hours of the day and night.
How Their Power Becomes Your Life Over Time
You aren’t ever really given a chance to empower your own life when you’re under the spell of a narcissist. In normal circumstances, couples encourage each other to thrive and be their best version.
There’s compromise, understanding, and a level of communication that allows for honesty and openness.
Narcissists prefer to use their power to withhold all of that, and take away any inclination for you to thrive.
You merely survive.
Throughout a lifetime – if you’re unlucky enough to live with a narcissist that long – their power is your life. It’s not yours to own or shape any way you dream of.
I need you to understand the part that phone calls play – because it’s largely forgotten or misinterpreted.
Phone Calls, Narcissists and The Play of Power
#1 Hanging Up On You
One moment you’re talking nicely, and the next, they decide to hang up on you as you’re halfway through talking.
You’re confused, and you have every right to be. Why are they hanging up on you? What did you say or do that was so wrong?
In truth, it was nothing. You did nothing wrong, and too many victims of narcissism forget to check that consciously.
You are being you, and that’s all people can ask for. Narcissists, however, are also just being them, and that’s a lot more to deal with.
Being hung up on can sometimes occur during the over-the-phone conflict, which is equally upsetting for the person being left high and dry. That’s what it feels like, doesn’t it?
You’re keen to get your point across, yet you’re met with somebody unwilling to listen to you, or work through it maturely and in an emotionally regulatory manner.
It’s a complete power play when they have the last word and hang up – and they intend to leave you wanting to do the chasing while they sit back and smirk their way through your 12 missed calls and texts.
#2 Talking Over You
Hands up who a narcissist has ever talked over?
(My hand went up, that’s for sure!)
Narcissists love to talk over people. Why? For the simple reason being that they feel whatever they have to say is more important than anybody else.
What they’re saying needs to be heard. They need to exert their authority. They want to seem like their voice is the most powerful and the most heard out of everybody.
And if you try to speak over them – well – make sure you prepare for the narcissistic wrath that follows!
#3 Putting You On The Spot
I’m calling to ask if you can meet me for lunch today. I’ve got an important conversation I need to have with you.
That potential lenient has invited us out to dinner tonight and I need to make a good impression.
Anything and everything you can think of that may put you on the spot can be done over the phone.
You might even be in line at the grocery store – and the narcissist will call and make demands.
For you? It’s no fun at all.
If you don’t answer – there will be hell to pay.
If you do – you know something’s going to go down.
They will use your uncertainty and keenness to please, against you at every opportunity.
#4 Setting You Up For Later
Couples work, right? You can go all day without seeing them, and have a great day in the process. So what happens when you have no idea what kind of mood the narcissist is in?
They can call you and let you know.
Or maybe you’re calling to see how they are, and they’re being purposefully aloof.
You wonder what’s gone on, what’s happened, and why they’re being this way.
Now all day, you’re left building this anxious anticipation up inside you, and it’s so damaging.
#5 They Will Punish If You Don’t Pick Up
Be there and answer when they call, or they will immediately start plotting their revenge (which could mean reverting to the blocking or silent treatment we discussed earlier).
Narcissists are the most entitled people you will ever meet. In their eyes, they need you to respond as soon as they try to converse with you.
If you don’t, they directly perceive you as some kind of rejection – their worst nightmare.
In turn, the power play is that you drop everything to answer before they can hang up.
And that is no way to live.
How Do Narcissists Manipulate Their Partners?
Narcissists are happiest when they have a partner they can twist, manipulate and control.
They love to be part of something where everybody else is smaller and less powerful than they are. Their lives then have meaning, just as they feel they should every day.
There are specific ways a narcissist will manipulate their partners, though. As troubling as it may sound, these are textbook ways – and that’s where you need to pay close attention.
If this sounds like your situation, that’s because it likely is.
“My Reality is Fact!”
The reality is that you’re being manipulated by someone who has had much practice. They’ve been exactly where they are now, except with different victims.
“You’re Nothing!”
Being told how worthless you are does a few things.
For the narcissist, it brings them to a new level of control and manipulation. If you hear something enough times, you will start to believe it.
You believe it even more when you’re treated that way alongside those words.
It’s all a tactic, created to destroy your hopes and dreams, your identity, and how you carry yourself each day.
Where you once stood tall, you now slouch and try to be invisible.
That’s exactly how the narcissist wants you.
“It’s Your Fault, Not Mine!”
Narcissists project to get whatever they’ve done wrong out of the light. They don’t want their faults or inappropriate actions to be spotted, and so they throw you out there instead.
So everybody looks at you. The narcissist looks at you as if they feel let down by you.
And you feel that shame, because you take it on. And you take it on because they’ve pushed it so far into you that you have no choice.
This design is set up to get them off the hook.
Thank God you are there for them to treat you this way – without you – they just might look like the bad guy.
Phew for them!
“…”
That’s right, the good old silent treatment. The way narcissists do this is by completely shutting down and ignoring you.
If you’ve experienced it, I don’t need to tell you how uncomfortable it is. It induces panic, fear and worry, and like all things narcissists do, it is unnecessary.
The silent treatment acts to give you nothing at all, so it’s easy for the narcissist to say, “Well, I didn’t say anything horrible. I wasn’t mean,” Then make excuses for them being quiet.
When you’ve been given the silent treatment, you are left to your own insecure devices.
What did I do wrong?
How can I fix this?
What can I do to make them happy?
I must be a terrible person.
What’s going to happen next?
Do you need this?
No.
Yet they make it so prevalent in your world.
It isn’t fair.
“I Must Cause Fallout”
What is life without a little drama? Actually, it’s quite nice. But then again, I’m speaking as an emotionally healthy person, and not a narcissist.
The idea that drama is of such greedy interest to the narcissist is one that never fails to shock me. Why would anybody want to be in the middle of so much negativity?
Narcissists do. As people and emotions explode around them, they can act and do what they like and not be seen to be doing anything wrong at all.
Be careful here – narcissists want to pull strings to see a certain dynamic.
If you’re a part of that, you will suffer.
“Poor Me…”
The victim mentality of a narcissist can stop the most believing people in their tracks.
It’s all been too much for me.
I try my best.
I don’t know what I do wrong to upset people.
I wish people would understand me.
These phrases tug at the heartstrings of those who want to give them the benefit of the doubt, and sadly – yes – it works.
Narcissists always want to look as though they’re being wronged.
This injects:
- Guilt
- Shame
- Self-blame
- Self-loathing
- Insecurity
- Worry
- Anxiety
- Depression
In their partners, and they know this.
They just don’t care.
“Bringing You Back, Get Ready!”
Let’s take you back to a time where we were so in love, and everything was perfect!
We are so great, you and me. It was us against the world!
Think about all that passion we had. You’re never going to be able to find that anywhere else.
Oh, the manipulation game is strong with these kinds of phrases. They love getting you at your most vulnerable, reflecting on the distorted nostalgia between you.
It’s enough to make you paint over all the cracks in between, isn’t it? And there were a lot of those.
What’s manipulative about this is the narcissist’s attempt to invite you to ignore their abuse, and only focus on the good (which was likely to have felt magical!)
Don’t get sucked into this black hole.
“I Will Tell Everybody!”
Uh-oh. What’s that supposed to mean?
I think you and I both know this is not going to end well with you,
Narcissists will tell whoever listens what a horrible person you are and how you wronged them. They may stretch as far as saying that you are the cheater, you hurt them, you spread lies about them and you’re the manipulative one.
It’s frustrating for victims, but beyond that, it’s absolutely destructive.
Suddenly, your reputation is in tatters. It’s all based on the false word of the narcissist, who, by the way, is likely loving seeing your house of bricks fall down while their house of cards remains.
“Nice, But Not!”
You go out, they act like the perfect partner.
You get home, and they ignore you.
You did this wrong, you did that wrong, you didn’t pay them enough attention, you flirted with that person.
Whatever it is, the charm will switch off. The mask will inevitably slip.
This is where the narcissist has learned not just to manipulate you but also to manipulate everybody else, too. They all think, “What a nice person. They’re such a good couple.”
Also the best one,
“You’re so lucky to have them as your partner!”
Oh boy, if only they knew the truth, right?
The truth is, you aren’t lucky. The narcissist is just very clever. They know buttons to press, when to press them, who to press them with, and they are always ready for it.
You on the other hand then find it even more difficult to convince people of the truth.
This is the sole reason why narcissists manipulate – to make you look like the crazy one eventually, and for them to be the victim.
