The discard stage of a narcissistic relationship is the one that is most worrying. Not because you are finally on the cusp of getting rid of them once and for all.
Instead, it’s the moment you have a choice to make.
Do you beg and plead for them to try again, out of sheer fear of being alone or leaving such an addictive cycle?
Or…
Do you use the time to break free forever?
I hope these three words the narcissist uses before they discard you help you with your answer.
Discard? Been There
I’ve no doubt you’ve been there at some point or another. If we’re taking into account the dynamic of a narcissistic relationship, the cycle is going to hit you at the discard stage eventually.
Discard can be tough to experience, not least because you see a very toxic side of a narcissist, who for once, is keen to show you their true colors rather than disguise them like usual.
It’s painful, for sure. But no more painful than you’ve been tolerating throughout your time with them.
What does discard actually mean though, and what does it look like?
The Narcissist’s Exit Strategy
Discard is a way for the narcissist to push you away abruptly. They can do this by saying mean things to you, making you feel even worse about yourself than you already do, insulting you, mocking you, criticizing you, belittling you.
It can even look like the silent treatment, or worse case scenario: ghosting.
Being ghosted without explanation is the worst. It can drive people crazy to not have answers, or to have that closure but I hope you know at this stage: closure can come from you.
No answer is the answer you need.
So – the exit strategy is clear cut in the narcissist’s mind.
They want out, or they want attention. You’ve become too much for them in terms of your kind, compassionate and intimate desires.
You’re overwhelming to them, and they can;t stand to be around you another minute.
Maybe you’ve discovered who they really are, and they need to end things right now.
Or perhaps, like the child they are, they just want attention.
Whatever the reason – that exit strategy is sitting there waiting to become a reality.
Three Little Words…
It’s what what you came here for, so here they are:
I deserve better.
Can you believe the narcissist has the nerve to say those words to you, after all they’ve put you through?
It’s a difficult pill to swallow, but they do it as a final insult to you before they depart.
And it’s supposed to be a phrase that sticks with you that you never forget.They want you to think about it at 2am when you can’t sleep. They feel it’s time you saw their truth as the truth – and not an attempt at manipulating you one last time.
But you know, like everything with the narcissist, there is an ulterior motive at play.
When They Say “Better,” They Mean…
Easier to manipulate.
Right.
You’re not actually somebody they could find a better version of, you’re just somebody who is no longer bowing down to the rules of this narcissistic game.
They want a form of supply back, and so they blame you for growing up and awakening to their toxic traits. Now you’re the problem because they’ve got to a point where they can’t do what they want with you any longer.
It’s a good thing that you aren’t easy to manipulate. It proves you’ve outgrown the tired narrative that what they say, goes.
You’ve now got to a place where your life can truly begin, so in my eyes, this is a winning statement. You just have to see it that way rather than let it eat away at you.
Flip the Blame With One Final Sentence
It’s what all narcissists were born to do, and what they’re so good at.
Flipping the blame has been something they’ve done throughout their time with you, so let it be no surprise that they exit stage left in such a dramatic manner with this phrase.
In reality, it’s you who deserves better. You have had to deal with their bullshit for as long as you have, and you’re overdue for a healthy, loving relationship.
That might look like just getting to know yourself all over again, or with somebody new.
And so the discard? It’s a blessing in disguise, but initially, I understand it can look like the narcissist is rejecting you.
They’re really not.
They’re really rejecting the version of you that’s unwilling to tolerate their games.
That’s a good thing!
Why This Phrase Hurts—But Also Reveals Their True Character
You’re not human if hearing I deserve better doesn’t hurt a little bit, but you have to get to the real reason why the narcissist wants you to hurt.
The assumption that it’s because you’re a horrible person is tiring, but one that fits with the low self-esteem they’ve handed to you during your time together.
But when you look further? Wow. You really find the truth.
The narcissist wants you to feel the pain they feel. They’re trying to hand it to you, like it’s some kind of emotional hand grenade.
They don’t want the weight, the emotional injury, nor the risk to their own image.
They don’t have a choice but to send you to the ground in pain because – rather you than them.
So what can you learn here about the true character of a narcissist?
Are they somebody you really want to be with?
Do you feel like you could really love and trust somebody like that for the rest of your life?
No. And no.
So – the discard is a good thing.
What to Say (or Not Say) When You Hear “I Deserve Better”
Well, a good idea would be to just allow them to say whatever it is they want without shouting or even raising your voice.
Don’t beg them to be better if they only stayed.
Don’t tell them you tried your best.
Instead, the best thing you can do is calmly and coolly respond with:
We both know that you’re wrong.
Refuse to engage any further in the matter, and allow the discard to dissolve the toxic relationship you once thought was the answer to all your prayers.
It wasn’t, and it isn’t. It was the start of the erosion of your character, and the narcissist was responsible for it all.
They felt so low about themselves that they’re actually hitting the ground with their own insecurities, and they wanted you right beside them to feel better.
So they managed to get you there. From a person who wouldn’t hurt a fly to one who would do anything to make it work, including succumbing to the narcissist’s power and control.
But surprise, surprise. This life wasn’t meant for you, and now you have the chance to draw a line under this discard.
You get to start again, and never feel tempted to return to the person who made your life so hollow and gray.
