The time has come, and the decision to divorce has been made.
You’re probably in a completely different headspace to the narcissist, and that headspace will be filled with mixed emotions.
While I don’t want to add to those emotions, I do want to make it crystal clear that there are going to be things you’ll be desperate to say to the narcissist during your divorce.
I’ve collated the ones that will do you no favors at all saying, in the hope I can support you during this time.
I just hope I found you in time!
‘Til Death Us Do Part…?
It’s a promise many people make with good intentions.
The day you stand before the person you love, and make a vow to always be there for them, in sickness and in health.
If you’re marrying a narcissist, then one of you will mean it. (I’ll give you a clue; it isn’t the narcissist!).
It’s with every fiber of your being that you want to make this relationship work, and create an everlasting union between you both.
The stars align. Everything feels perfect (except that niggling feeling you have that you’re trying to ignore). You’re getting married.
Until you’re getting divorced.
The Truth About Divorce
I like to think of divorce a little bit like layers. With some divorces, you only need to peel a few layers off.
Yes, they hurt, and adjusting to this new way of living for you can take a little while.
You have to painfully admit that your marriage didn’t work out, and you are now entering the healing phase.
Papers are signed, boxes are packed, and life moves on.
It’s not easy, even when both parties are good people.
But with a narcissist?
Everything becomes so much harder. Those layers are thicker.
Accusations fly. Difficult people become more difficult. Toxic moods become unbearable.
You – as always – suffer the most.
There are a few things that increase those levels of suffering though, and far be it from me to tell you what not to say.
But in this instance?
I think these 6 things should be highlighted.
#1 Your Plans After
Don’t go telling the narcissist what you plan to do once those papers are final. While you may have a hundred things on your post-divorce- bucket list that you want to achieve, the narcissist will try to stop them from happening.
You’ll hear the usual, predictable tones of:
You’ll never be able to do that.
Adventure? You? Pah!
Not if I can help it!
You’re far too scared to do any of that.
You may even have the threat of finances, like:
There’s no way you’ll be able to afford that.
You couldn’t possibly with the money you’re getting.
Well it looks like I will be asking for more money out of this, then.
Anything you have planned – they will try to ruin.
For that reason, you have to stay true to yourself and the future you’re trying to paint.
If you value the image you have in your mind of what you want your life to look like, then don’t hand the narcissist the paintbrush.
This is your life, and now, for once, you get to call the shots.
#2 That You’re Pleased This is Happening
I mean – I’m not here to judge you if you are over the moon at the idea of divorcing the narcissist. If you want, I can let off the fireworks and blow up the balloons for you.
I need you to know when and where to draw the line, though. The reason for this is simple:
The narcissist has never liked seeing you happy. To them, your happiness is a trigger.
They cannot stand to see you succeeding, feeling joy, or experiencing positive things in life. If you are divorcing them, that happiness needs to have a lid firmly on it.
You can feel happy – that’s not against the law. It’s in the overly obvious way that you’re happy that will send them crazy, and they will want to punish you for that.
It’s just not worth gloating about. Triggering their low self-esteem is more trouble than it’s worth.
#3 “I Still Love You”
What a way to make them think they’ve still got control over you…
Saying I love you will throw the divorce into complete chaos. The narcissist will gladly use that admission to take advantage of you, give over more than they’re entitled to, or worse…
…They should persuade you to stop the divorce altogether!
All that work to separate and get the ball rolling, only to be dragged back into the pits of married hell.
My advice would be, even if you feel you do still love them – keep it to yourself.
#4 “This Is All Your Fault”
Blaming the narcissist for everything might just be what you feel compelled to do, and it also might even be the truth! Unfortunately, all this accusation will do is rile them up.
You know what the narcissist is like when they’re riled up – you’ve been married to them all this time!
Ask yourself if it’s worth it, or if you should just know this privately and deal with it in your own way.
Blaming them at this stage – even if they are at fault – is not going to be very helpful to you.
That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t believe it!
#5 “I Need This Over With Quickly”
Okay. Saying this to the narcissist is like handing them direct permission to slow everything down on their part.
If you want it over with quickly, you can bet they’re going to do everything in their toxic power to keep you hanging onto them legally for as long as it takes to drive you crazy.
The whole idea of divorce is to get that clean start you want, and to make a new life for yourself. You can’t do that if they’re purposely stalling.
My advice would be to go with the flow, and let it happen as it happens. Don’t show any emotion, just deal with it day-to-day.
#6 “I’m Taking You For All You’ve Got”
Nothing quite like a mild threat to get the narcissist laughing.
As soon as they feel cornered by something you’ve said like this, they will want to protect what they’ve got.
Don’t pass up on the idea that they could even enlist the help of a friend or family member to squirrel money away so they don’t have to give half of it to you.
Never put anything past a narcissist. They aim to win and leave you stranded, especially during a divorce.
