Does The Narcissist Ever Experience Pain?

Q: Does the narcissist ever experience pain? They hurt so many of us…is there ever a time when they feel extreme pain? Or do they go through their lives basically happy and at peace?

A: Narcissists do feel pain, but it is only to negative emotions like anger, resentment, jealousy, and feelings of abandonment. Generally, they do not feel emotional pain to loss of love (the most common emotional pain that most people associate with when they hear the word ‘pain”) or pain because they hurt someone. No, they usually do not go through life happy and at peace. It is very difficult to keep up a façade, to keep their mask from slipping. There are some who are probably generally happy- the ones who are lucky enough to get all their narcissistic supply needs met (like successful politicians or entertainers) but more commonly they expend a lot of energy maintaining a façade, seeking out supply, and defending their fragile egos.

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8 Responses to “Does The Narcissist Ever Experience Pain?”

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  1. onlylurking says:

    I agree…they don’t feel the standard that we hold as ‘pain’ but they do feel rejection as pain, as much as those who are nons feel. The difference it, they can feel that ‘pain’ for any reason…a critique meant to help, a comment meant to enlighten…a clumsily worded compliment…they are aware of all nuance because it is how they function, how they get someone to build up their imagined persona, as their own self-esteem has been so terribly damaged.

    Do they feel pain? Absolutely. But not because ‘you left them’ or ‘they lost your love’ or they ‘hurt you’. Their pain is totally intrinsic to their illness. In other words…they feel pain only as it affects them. And since they are a wound lightly bandaged, everytime the bandage is ripped off (a bit of their mask is revealed—simplicity yes, but to expound would take ages) that causes horrible hurt.

    Worse, actually, than any non could feel from being hurt by them. Because it is a reckoning…..and it is a taking of the one thing they’ve counted on to save them (make them; prevent them from being found out to be the useless, ridiculous, asses they believe themselves to be)….counted on since they were children, and this happens every day of their lives; it is a bulldozing of epic proportions against their ego and the threat of that is daily, hourly…every moment of every moment, they can be ‘found out’ and ….destroyed emotionally.

    You try holding a mask like that every day. Not easy. Which is why they are so adept and so completely awful at it.

  2. John says:

    Is it possible to have once been in a relationship with a female narcissist to then be on friendship terms?

    I have been with this girl for 6 months now and it has been a roller coaster. Idealization, Devaluing and then the ultimate Discarding she has done and tried multiply times. One time I told her it was over when I caught her days after giving someone a blowjob. I confronted her with all the evidence I had and she lost it. I left that night knowing yet not telling her. I told her the following morning and she wrote me an email. All the 10 traits of a narcissist came out.

    The thing is I feel a sense of empowerment knowing who she is and yet still wanting to help her. Is she beyond help and is all the nice things she says only serving her supply and manipulating the situation to her advantage? I want to see the best in her and deep down I think I can help her change!! We are back together and have a VERY candid relationship. Can someone answer these questions for me?

    • Gregg says:

      You sir are a rescuer. Damsel in distress, you come riding along to rescue said damsel only to find out that your damsel is in fact a monster that will pull you under and suck the life out of you and then blame you for leaving. Now you want to enter into a friendship? This is unwise my friend. I have taken the same path only to be sucked in and as with most NPD people, they want revenge. The monster is still a monster. Only this time they will trick you even worse. Emotional liability is just the beginning. They suck all your money, energy and possibly get YOU into trouble. Just be well aware you have been warned.

  3. Chauntelle says:

    John, Im sorry u had to go thru that experience. Everything happens for a reason tho. Ive been with one of and on for 14 months. Its been a hellish nightmare. Ive always been strong and made it thru some of the harshest things in life. I bought a gun tonight. It was a weak move. Hes pushed and pushed and broken me down so low. I dont want to hurt anymore. John they cant b fixed. The left side of the brain that controls cignitive thinking and compassion empathy etc shows a large grey mass (dont quote me on that. I read it a few days ago) Theyre brains f****d up. I am on the brink of suicide bc I thought I could fix him. Run! Seriously get out. Its the hardest thing ull ever do but u wont b pushed to suicide.

  4. t says:

    I can tell you that my soon to be ex narcissistic husband felt pain only once while going through this nasty ordeal. I found out he was having an affair and 2 days later he gave me divorce papers. Turns out, his girlfriend didn’t know he was married, and when I revealed the truth to her, she broke it off with him. He told me I had hurt him for causing her to break up with him and the only reason I had done that was because he had hurt me. Complete insanity dealing with the NPD’s. As painful as going through a divorce is, I am relieved to not have to deal with his personality disorder any more. He has been lying to me and cheating on me for years and I don’t think he will ever be capable of being faithful to any woman.

  5. Mysterylady says: sorry to hear your story,I’d been In a relationship with an N for 3 Yrs,I almost my lost My sanity,The relationship was good at first then it became roller coaster,then a night mare! He Could twist stories and manipulate things and people to hes advantage! Im just a normal kind hearted immigrant when I Meet him,New to The country with no Family thou I have Friends ,How Many Times he abused ME! Throwback ME out OF hes House when he knows I have no One to run to,Im Like hes Slave I did everything so he Wont be mad! He will called ME stupid W***e,slave asian etc!! God How I wished I walk out The first Time he abuses me! i saw him having sex in a vedio,saw hes computer he was in so Many dating sites,hooking UP with New victims,so much lies and lies,caught him with a woman in The house when I came from Work at The Middle of The night drinking and having pot! I keep forgiving him when he pulled me back with hes tricks after an argument,and then he Will provoke me again and again till I cant i burst to anger and then if I only ScrEam and shout at him he Will threaten to call police and manipulate stories! He did One time Called a Police ON Me For The trip I arranged and paid my own Money was cancelled due to typhoon happen back Home where my Family was affected and I have to Help,he dont Show sympathy instead he Called a Police ON me for ruining hes vacation! So many horrible things he did to me! Finally I Just left after a fight that I ended UP punching him! And I Made NO CONtACT! Untill now he is still hoovering ON me everyday! BUt no way Ill Go back with that monster anymore!!THEyDONt change!!pls read more about narcissist!! IT Will Help you understand more! God bless

  6. Raya P says:

    there have been times when my narc expresses what ‘looks’ like genuine remorse or
    a ‘ Wow, i’m really sorry i hurt you this way, i feel terrible’. i have come to the conclusion that much like a humanoid robot will learn facials & human traits so does the narc. they will pick up cues & deliver them in key moments to benefit the strategy. Funny thing about some narcs is they’re capable of tears, I’ve seen mine be emotional when it comes to touching moments regarding my kids or even CERTAIN movies (they have to be real tear jerkers) but he’s never cried w/ me EVER in 14 yrs. & when he demonstrates ’empathy’ I fully believe it’s an Oscar worthy performance, he’s seen in movies, he’s heard or read about & he knows to pacify me he must deliver

  7. Amy says:

    My narc cheated lied was on dating sites thru our 2 yr relationship. I can’t put into words the emotional abuse. Horrifying! But he left me moved out. He still trying to hang in but it’s over and I will be so much happier when I can finally break free completely and have NO CONTACT! It’s the only way to get yourself some sort of sanity

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