Narcissists control you by weighing heavy expectations upon you, then moving the goalposts so you never actually meet those expectations.
They seldom freak out, but when they do, and I mean really freak out, it’s for good reason in their mind.
So, while you’re innocently trying to live your life and express how you feel, you’re actually walking the narcissist into their idea of hell.
Here’s why.
The Valued Lesson of a Narcissistic Freak Out
It can be like watching a child, can’t it?
I can safely say that you will always spot a narcissist if you’re able to do the thing in question here, but I want to break a few bits of news to you before we dive fully in.
The lesson of the freak out.
What it does for the narcissist is opens up their vulnerable side. Not just a little bit, but a lot.
It reminds them that there are things they can’t do, making them susceptible to the fact that they’re not perfect.
That perfect I talk about is what the narcissist convinces themselves to be true – when evidently it isn’t.
For you the observer, it does something else entirely. It opens your eyes. Not just to what’s going on in the moment, but the whole time you’ve known them.
It all starts making sense. Every time you’ve tried to initiate a conversation about it, they’ve repelled or stepped away, making excuses.
Or when you’ve wanted or asked for them to follow through on various promises that relate to this one thing and they haven’t – boom – there’s why.
What you do with this new knowledge is totally up to you.
Knowing When to Tune in
I think this is key, isn’t it?
Knowing when to tune in to what’s going on around you, and reading it for what it actually is rather than what you want it to be.
In other words, when you offer yourself to the person you love and they don’t reciprocate, or constantly make excuses to leave or get off the subject…
…See that. Don’t just say, “Oh, maybe I will ask or talk about it another time.”
There’s no other time that will give you the answers you want.
With all that in mind – what is that one simple thing?
Loving The Narcissist
Powerful stuff, huh?
Something as pure and warm as loving the narcissist will cause a huge freak out with them.
Yes, narcissists marry. They say they love you. They treat you to all these wild, wonderful gifts and experiences.
They are intimate with you (pretty passionately), and they will make those promises.
In reality, your love that you have for the narcissist is pretty intimidating for them. They experience it and feel it from you, but they don’t know how to offer that same love back.
All you want to do is build on a feeling that you find particularly special, but for them – they’re just starting their freak out journey.
Why Narcissists Hate it When You Love
These kinds of people are all about the displays of love, rather than the feeling of it.
They want the world to know that they’re marriage material, because with that comes a much easier way to trust and see somebody as a good person.
They want what love gives them, but they don’t want to express any love, or even truly admit that you love them at all.
Think about it – how can somebody who has so many insecurities, and so much self-hatred possibly feel worthy of real love?
The more shallow, the better, which is why they’re so keen on showing you physically that they love you and care about you.
Intimacy is easy, but it’s over with and shallow in terms of expressing love. It is a level of intimacy the narcissist stops at, because it doesn’t have the layers that true emotional vulnerability does.
But They Need Love, Right?
Kind of.
I don’t mean to sound like the narcissist here but it’s complicated.
Narcissists do need love, but they need your supply more.
They like to be adored, but they don’t like what comes with being loved.
I’ll give you a little bit of a story to get the picture clearer.
Tony was head over heels for Fran. He would do anything for her, and around a year into their relationship, he started to ask her about marriage and having kids.
Fran said she wanted to have those things, but each time things got too heavy, she distracted Tony by initiating being intimate.
After being intimate, Tony would try to talk again about their future, and Fran would yell at him for trying to put pressure on her, telling him he was being a bully about it.
Tony would apologize over and over, but Fran would give him the silent treatment for days after.
The truth was, Tony thought Fran wanted what he wanted. It didn’t occur to him that she was trying to diffuse conversations that were too deep for her to handle.
Narcissists need love, but they don’t necessarily always like it, or want to explore it fully.
They certainly can’t feel it the way you or I can.
Attention vs. Affection
That’s what it all comes down to, folks.
Narcissists thrive when they’re getting attention. They feel as though they’ve already earned it even before you offer it.
They want it to boost their self-esteem, and they need it to validate their ability to control you.
Affection? Forget about it. The only time they’re mildly comfortable with your affection is when it’s either in public, or intimacy.
Intimacy? Run!
As intimate as it is, narcissists have no issues taking their clothes off and being pleasured, just as much as they love to please.
But like above with Tony and Fran, the moment intimacy is over, business is over.
They don’t have time to hang around whispering promises of forever into your ear. It’s too much for them.
Ways You’ll See a Narcissist Freak Out
As funny as it might be to sometimes watch the narcissist buckle under the weight of life, it’s good to know the various ways narcissists let off their freakout steam!
They will:
- Change the subject
- Get mad at you (like Fran)
- Gaslight you
- Make a joke out of your love, calling it soft, weak, or pathetic
- Ignore you. If in doubt, shut them out (according to the narcissist).
What’s really going on is that their internal system is freaking out. They can’t stand to hear or see you wanting to be so vulnerable, when this is the one thing they’re most afraid of being.
You’re a Good Person!
You deserve the world and more, and you shouldn’t be afraid of loving anybody who is willing and ready to love you back in the same way.
Love should be what we choose to get from life, and nobody should be punished for being able and willing to love another person.
The problems only arise when you met a narcissist because they’re so incapable of doing the one thing that a relationship needs long-term in order to be successful.
Good people can become crushed by narcissists, so learning how to avoid them will save you having to heal from them.
Make sure you always remember that.
