It’s one thing to know something…

…it’s quite another to care.

Narcissists hurt people they encounter – left, right and center. The enjoyment of their inner turmoil being matched by your emotional pain threshold feeds their ego.

Small, intricate and deceptive ways, sure, but they hurt them all the same.

To fall painful victim to the narcissist means you have experienced a way they have put you through something hurtful.

Make no mistake – they have a variety of ways – depending on who you are.

But do they know, and do they care?

Healthy Hurting

I don’t want you to mistake ‘healthy hurting’ for a healthy version of inflicting pain. That’s not what this is about.

Healthy hurting is where you unintentionally cause pain to another. You might forget an important milestone, anniversary or date.

Perhaps you had a bad day and wasn’t there for them in a moment when they needed you. 

Ultimately, we all slip up. If you’re of a healthy mind, you’ll apologize profusely.

You’ll want to make it up to that person and take responsibility for your actions. 

Hurting someone somehow hurts you too, because you know you care about them. You don’t like the idea of them being in pain. 

Normal, right?

Narcissistic Hurting

Narcissistic hurting is a different ball game entirely. There is a lot less conscience involved with a narcissist who causes pain.

It is a frequent emotion that rises in people who encounter narcissists due to the narcissist’s need to stir negative feelings up constantly.

If you think about people in your own life who are narcissistic, how many of them do you feel comfortable around?

How many of them do you look forward to seeing because they make you feel positive?

How many do you dread seeing?

…I thought as much.

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The Cycle

The narcissistic cycle of abuse is something that once you realize exists – you can spot happening with different narcissists in your life.

It’s a cycle that involves pain, and I will talk about that more after I describe each stage. 

Idealization – Everything is rosy. The narcissist is kind and loving. They shower you with gifts, time and compliments. You’re everything to them. 

Devaluation – The narcissist is now beginning to chip away at you. What they’ve built up is now being torn down very slowly, bit by bit.

The criticism, the gaslighting, the silent treatment, the mocking. You begin to feel hurt, and that only grows and grows. 

Discard – The narcissist rejects you entirely. You wonder what you’ve done wrong and you’re feeling very hurt at the thought of this ending. You begin to panic and try all you can to make it better. 

Hoovering – The narcissist returns, ready to hoover you back in. They flatter and flutter, as you begin to feel pleased and relieved they still care.

This part of the cycle usually rolls back around to the idealization stage. Everything, again, is rosy. 

How the Cycle Affects Both the Narcissist and You

You

Of course, nobody likes hurting. This cycle goes around and around, and there are such conflicting emotions attached to each stage.

With the idealization stage, it’s almost euphoric. You finally feel as though you’ve met someone who loves and appreciates you.

They promise to care and look after you, and never leave. 

The moments you share can be anything from pure romance to pure passion.

If it’s friendship, you do everything together. Constant selfies and tags of you both appear on social media. They want the world to know they’ve met someone special.

What’s not to be captivated by? 

So there is a huge surprise when the dynamics shift.

Once the narcissist has earned your trust, they will proceed to chip at you. Most people in this situation don’t leave – because that attachment has already been formed.

You’ve become almost codependent on their company and affection. 

You want to do everything you can to make it right. The more they chip at you, the more you try to ‘people please’ your way out of your ‘imperfections.’

Discard = devastation. Just right before you give up, they reappear and hoover you back in.

Phew. What a relief!

The Narcissist

The narcissists don’t consciously know the stages of narcissistic abuse (they don’t even know they’re narcissists…), but they know what they’re doing.

Narcissists are used to applying this cycle and the patterns accompanying it because it aligns with what they need at the time.

They know you are falling under their spell as they worship you in the first stage. With that comes compliments in return, and the feeling that they are safe with them.

What a responsibility to bestow upon someone so egotistical!

Does the Narcissist Know They’ve Hurt You?

The big question…

In short, yes, they do know. They know that how they treat you has consequences that visually confirm your pain or distress. They see it. They understand.

What they don’t know is that it;s anything they;re necessarily doing wrong.

The way a narcissist treats you is solely based on what they know. It’s all they know, in fact.

When somebody is in a picture, it’s impossible to see the picture.

The problem is, the narcissist refuses to step out to look because they don’t view themselves as anything other than perfect. 

For that reason, they aren’t going to change. No matter how much pain you’re in, it will never awaken them to reality. 

Their reality is all that matters. They live and breathe in it and expect everyone else to meet them there. 

That’s why it can be so painful for others – their reality is erased. 

…Do They Care? 

The final installment of this subject falls under two parts. You’d think they don’t care that they’re hurting you, and you’d be partially right.

The narcissist doesn’t care because they have no morals. No integrity. No conscience.

How they’ve acted has done them well for this long, so why should they change? They are fine knowing they hurt others, as long as it isn’t them being the ones in pain.

Now for the second part…

…Yes. They do care. Now – it’s few and far between, but if you are hurting and start telling people how terrible the narcissist is, you’re going to get their attention.

The narcissist will only care if it looks bad on them. They won’t care about your feelings, they will just care about how your feelings make them look to others. 

So, the next time you think you might just get the narcissist to care about your pain – I wouldn’t waste your time.

These 7 Narcissist Hobbies are Instant Red Flags

Hobbies are great, right? I mean, we all have them. We pass the time doing things we love – and it’s good for the soul.

Narcissists also have hobbies but aren’t always necessarily what you might expect. These hobbies are often for self-gain in different ways than the usual pottery or yoga class.

Nope. These hobbies are huge red flags.

The hobbies of a narcissist are designed to improve and maintain their image solely.

Let’s take a look at 7 hobbies of a narcissist that are instant red flags.

#1 Exterior House Improvements

Wow, what a beautiful house!

I love what you’ve done with the place!

It looks amazing – you’re so talented.

You have such an eye for colors and visions. 

Yadda, yadda. Undoubtedly, anything that involves making improvements to the outside of the house will gain attention from others.

Narcissists love this. They love to be seen up a ladder with a paintbrush or building new fences.

Neighbors will be drawn to coming over and asking them questions bout what they’re doing and say things like:

 I don’t know how you find the time to fit it all in.

You’re obviously somebody who takes pride in where they live.

Good on you for wanting to make your home a nice place to live. 

These comments will fill the narcissist with the assurance that they are good people. It will almost be like validation for them – and the narcissist is going to lap up every word.

They don’t actually care about painting. If they could leave it, they would. 

But…

They have an image to maintain.

#2 Lavishly Decorating for Holidays

When the holidays roll around, whatever they may be, the narcissist will want to have the biggest and best decorations imaginable. 

Cutting short of being completely tasteless, they will bring the particular holiday to life and use these decorations to get people excited.

Most holiday decorations bring out the inner child in us all. Narcissists love it the most when children’s eyes light up.

Children are some of the most impressionable people on the planet.

Their innocent natures just see people for face value, and anyone who smiles and has bright lights or fun decorations outside their house has to be a fun person, too!

#3 Spending Time on Dating Apps “For Fun”

You’re going to cringe at this one, but it’s a fact that narcissists ‘use dating apps for fun.’

Many who are in relationships will openly admit to having them on their phone to their partners because they see it as a hobby.

Narcissists are some of the most judgemental people on the planet. They feel they have the god given right to be able to look at others through a critical lens just because. 

What does that mean for you?

Frequently, you can find them on dating apps, laughing to themselves, maybe even showing you!

Look at this person, who would want them?

Well, they’re far too good for this site.

They’ll tell you it’s fun, but for you, it’ll only make your self-esteem dip. How can someone be so critical of others based on their looks? What does that mean for you?

Having dating apps on their phone is a huge red flag for any spouse.

To be so brazen to use them in front of you and treat it like a big joke is really quite insensitive and disturbing.

Narcissists to a tee!

#4 Whatever ‘You’ Like to Do

Mirroring is a classic narcissistic tactic. They tend to jump on your bandwagon of loves, passions and hobbies to get you to think you ‘have everything in common.’

Oh really? I love that band too!

I’ve always been interested in hiking!

I love to take time to meditate every day. It’s so good for my mental health.

Little by little, you will think about how much you are suited. 

Mirroring is actually a way to get you to feel a certain attachment toward the narcissist.

It’s helpful to them to know you are invested in them, so the likelihood of you leaving becomes pretty much non-existent. 

Prepare for red flags to fly high when you spot someone loving everything you love.

It’s actually nice to meet someone with whom you have one or two mutual hobbies. It’s also nice to know you like different things, so you can maintain your independence and identity. 

Narcissists don’t want that for you. 

#5 Working Out Obsessively 

Exercise is healthy. We are constantly told to keep our bodies and minds as healthy as possible because life, right?

If you meet someone totally obsessed with going to the gym, but beyond that, obsessed with their image in unfathomable ways – watch for what that means. 

It’s good to know that a person is taking care of themselves but not to the point where it’s all they do.

Constantly checking themselves in the mirror and loving themselves means deep insecurities exist.

While insecurities don’t solely point to narcissism, they indicate a level of unhealthiness. Red flags are born here. 

The gym isn’t a narcissistic place, but narcissists are known to congregate here because of all the compliments they would receive as a result of constant working out. 

They love the guts, they love the glory. 

#6 Gambling

I don’t want to create a strong link between narcissists and gambling, but there is an addictive link between the two that can be a red flag.

Narcissists have an addictive personality. Their personalities lean heavily to addictions to wealth, power, status or fame. 

Maybe even all!

They exaggerate their achievements and crave admiration and praise from others daily. 

So then let’s look at how addictive this can all be, and how damaging it is to like something such as gambling. 

If you meet somebody who is known for enjoying gambling to the point where they’d consider it a hobby…

It’s time to see it as a red flag. 

#7 Using Their Own Narcissistic Habits Like Hobbies

This one may not appear too obvious at first, but think about it.

We do a lot of what we tend to like, right?

Suppose the narcissist in your life spends a lot of time criticizing, belittling, punishing, exerting their power, and generally being unpleasant. In that case, it will be a red flag you can’t ignore.

Narcissists love to get stuck in other people’s business. They love to ridicule and tear down friends, family, or even strangers and acquaintances. 

They enjoy it so much that barely a moment goes by where they can resist. 

Noticing this really brings out the ugly in that narcissist (if it wasn’t already obviously in vision…)

Look out for these crass displays – and avoid them as a result.