Thinking about narcissists causing pain can lead to one of two scenarios in the healthy mind.

Number one – If they do cause pain, they probably don’t mean it. They must be forgiven.

Number two – Why do they do this? Why is pain something they seem to actually enjoy creating in others? 

Let me say something. 

The mind of a narcissist cannot be understood by any of us. Trying to do so only leads to even more confusion.

If you think you know everything about narcissists, wait until you hear what I have to say about pain…

Stirring the Cauldron of Drama

Narcissists and pain are a pairable concept for many reasons. 

Now pain can live on its own. A loved one can pass. You can break your leg. You can lose a job. A friend can move away. Pain comes as a part of life, and I understand that it is not avoidable. 

Narcissists can’t live on their own, without pain somewhere near them. Always feeling it deep inside of them, they prefer to bury it and inflict it upon others instead. The pain they project ruins lives, and it creates much insecurity and low self-worth in the souls of those who really don’t deserve it. 

That pain comes from the pot of drama that the narcissist is constantly stirring. 

That drama can include absolutely anything. 

Hurting you.

Hurting somebody else.

Criticizing.

Mocking.

Rejecting.

Teasing.

Bullying.

Intimidating.

Controlling.

Manipulating.

Causing people to fall out.

Ignoring you. 

The list could go on and on. 

As narcissists stir their cauldron of drama, they are constantly thinking about how they can make their day better, by making your day much worse. 

You Don’t Escape!

If you are particularly close to a narcissist, either through a romantic relationship, within your family, or somewhere in your friendship or work circle – you don’t escape. 

Narcissists will not leave you alone simply because “you’re related.” In fact, sometimes that helps them with their painful mind games, because you’re stuck with them. If you worked with them, you could at least leave or keep your distance.

Families don’t get that privilege, although more and more people are beginning to see that they have a choice. Going no or low contact is becoming a popular way to be able to control how the narcissist treats them, if at all. 

Not being able to escape that pain can make you feel physically and emotionally trapped. It’s like you’re backed into a corner, and you just take whatever they dish because you feel so helpless.

At times, you might even remember the wrath placed upon somebody who did dare to stand up to the narcissist.

Look what happened to them! I don’t want that to happen to me!

Is that a reason to stick around and keep accepting their toxic actions as painful?

It’s not. 

Causing Pain

Narcissists cause pain, there’s no doubt about it. But what are some common ways for them to inflict it upon you, or anybody else for that matter?

#1 They love to dampen your day

If you have good news, tough. Get used to your fire of positivity being put out by their toxic waters. Your good news is nothing but a threat to them. You’re taking away their attention, and you’re telling everybody that you are more successful than the narcissist. This won’t do. So what do they do? 

They downplay your news. They mock it. They laugh. They change the subject. They roll their eyes. They do anything.

#2 They take away your identity, little by little

It won’t cause you pain overnight, but when you look back at the person you were before you met – you’ll understand. That person becomes somebody that you used to know. You begin to miss elements of them, and you wonder why they just don’t exist any more. 

A lot of people would initially describe that as a ‘spark’ that has gone out. I wonder if you can resonate. 

#3 They isolate you

Narcissists love to make you feel like you’re all alone – except for them. They want your circle to be so small, that you eventually don’t have anybody to run to when you need them. 

If you’re told you won’t be able to cope or function without them, you’ll likely believe that. 

#4 They gaslight

This can happen on a daily basis, but eventually, they hope that your version of reality will be exchanged for theirs. They don’t want you to have an opinion because that means you possess some self-assurance. If you are your own person, they cannot take you over. 

The Enjoyment Comes Creeping in!

At the first sign of your pain – they relish! They were successful in making you feel sad or unhappy. They know their tactics work, and they will remember them for next time!

What Do They Love So Much About Causing Pain?

The enjoyment that comes from causing so much pain is the display of it all.

Imagine a person is setting up a fireworks display. They can’t wait to see everything in the air exploding, causing noise and chaos. It’s beautiful, right?

Well, you are the firework, as well as other people. The narcissist will place you where they want you, light the fuse, and step back. 

As you all fly up into the air and create that display, the narcissist smiles, and oohs, and aahs. They love it, and are proud of what they set up. 

Do they admit they lit the fuse?

Absolutely not! 

That would be terrible for them!

No, no. They “just happened to be passing by and saw it all happen.”

The love they get from this means this:

They get the best of both worlds. They know they control it all, and are responsible. They also did so with a completely innocent look on their face. 

How to Harden Up to Their Attempts to Cause Harm

Oh boy, it can take a while. You have to spot the signs and know the narcissist’s next move, and that can take a time to learn and adjust. 

There is an element of being bulletproof to the narcissist’s attempts to cause harm, but it can work. 

• Keep minimal contact with them. The further away you are, the less they can do.

• Keep emotions and important information out of conversation. The less they know about you, the better. 

• Constantly feel sorry for them on the inside. It really does help you maintain a clear and accurate portrayal of the narcissist.

• Understand that none of it is personal. They want to see anybody in pain, because it makes their lives look briefly better. This is very much a ‘them’ problem.