It’s one thing being groomed by a narcissist, but it’s quite another to know. Red flags can pass you by every day, and the more they’re ignored, the more the narcissist can groom.
What true intentions lie within the narcissist, though? What are those main 2 indicators that will reveal their evil game?
As hard as it can be to spot, that’s what I am here for, so let’s unpack exactly what narcissists do to manipulate you the toxic way they do.
Narcissists Sweeping In
They sweep and they come into our worlds before we even have a chance to blink and see what’s really going on, and that’s going to be touched on in point number one.
Let’s not be fooled though – being groomed by a narcissist is a covert act of abuse that – if you aren’t aware of narcissism – can easily happen to anybody.
The Grooming Game is Not a Game To Say Yes To
And I know that it’s never a conscious decision to say yes to participating in any narcissistic games, but this is one you really want to take a side step from.
They will try in all their power to entice you, and there are two main indicators that this is happening to you.
#1 Too Much, Too Soon
So point number one, and as promised, I want to touch on how quickly narcissists enter the lives of their victims.
Yes – it happens so quickly. They turn up at our front door, and they charm their way in.
They do it in a way that makes us feel like you are actually safe and worthy. The compliments flow. The laughter follows.
Before you know it, you’re:
- Opening up to them about your most vulnerable parts of your past.
- Allowing them to know your triggers.
- Becoming agreeable to everything they say or do.
- Assuming you’re the luckiest person in the world.
- Making plans that would otherwise take months or even years to carve out.
- Seeing yourself with them forever.
- Believing every word they say, simply because they wrap each one up in gold and present them to you as if they were rare diamonds.
The too much too soon aspect of being groomed by a narcissist creates a false sense of security, that you won’t realize exists until it’s too late.
They want you to move fast with them because then you will be:
- Be less likely to leave them.
- Feel that all your dreams have come true.
- Think that you have met somebody who keeps their promises.
- Under the illusion that they’re with you because they love you.
- Siding with them whenever somebody challenges you that things are ‘moving too quickly.’ As far as you’re concerned, you’ve experienced nothing but a pleasant, charming character.
As one of the main ways a narcissist grooms, getting involved too much, too soon is a dangerous game, but what’s most dangerous about it is the victim’s unawareness of what’s even going on.
Why would you have any inclination as to the toxic reality when you’re being taken out, treated like royalty, being gifted expensive flowers or jewelry, or being whisked away to a fancy hotel for the weekend?
Suddenly, you have opportunities to talk about your future, and disclose your past.
The narcissist:
- Takes notes. They want to learn every part of you, what makes you laugh, what makes you cry, and all in between. They do thi to use at later dates so they can be both the cause, and the cure of your anxieties.
- Promises, promises, promises. They want you to believe them, so you trust them. Once that trust is built, they will abuse it by mistreating you, or what many know as the narcissistic cycle of abuse.
Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse
Let’s talk about that cycle a little more, so you can understand where the love/hate, push/pull, hot/cold comes from, and leads to.
Tension-building
When you meet the narcissist, it doesn’t take long for the charm to be replaced with tension.
Before long, you notice tension building. You’re challenged. There’s rising emotions, and none of them seem to be good. You feel it’s leading you somewhere, but you don’t know where.
Acting out
This stage of the cycle is known as the stage where your fantasies become somewhat distorted by the reality of their treatment of you.
Things start to not make sense anymore. Why are they starting to snap at you? What have you done wrong? Why the change in character? What is this tension in the air?
Why are they giving you the silent treatment? Why are they blaming you for things you haven’t done? What happened to that person you first met?
So many questions lead nowhere, as the narcissist will never be honest enough to tell you that their initial act was one of charm and fakery.
The narcissist pulls apart the dream they created, but only after an attachment bond was formed between you. Now they can do all of this, and you won’t go anywhere.
Reconciliation
Please forgive me. I will change. I’ve just been stressed. I’ve not been myself, there’s so much going on.
The reconciliation stage is where the narcissist can pull you back in and try to make everything okay again.
The charm when the two of you first met is brought back to life, and you see them attempt to make you feel worthy and important all over again.
What a ride for the victim.
Calm
And there you are, the calm stage. Where everything is fine, for a little while.
#2 Where Did You Go?
Victims of narcissistic abuse lose themselves over time to the dynamic.
They don’t mean to, nor do they want to, but it happens for several reasons:
- The narcissist pulls you away from what you know through criticism, ridicule, mockery, passive-aggressiveness, shame, guilt and rage.
- They convince you that you don’t need to be around the people you love anymore. “You only need me. I’m the only one who understands you.” This is n’t true – but is a ploy to make you feel as though you can’t trust or rely on anybody else.
- Your hobbies and interests stop. You think it’s easier to put a wedge in them rather than continue because all the narcissist does is make you feel bad in some way whenever you attempt them.
Maybe they say you aren’t clever, or fit, or good enough for them, so for you, you think, what’s the point?
- You lose your identity to a person who constantly questions your version of reality.
Gaslighting is a common way for narcissists to manipulate and control their victims, and they will use a wide range of phrases in order to do that, such as:
You’re absolutely crazy.
You have such a strange imagination!
It didn’t happen that way at all!
Of course you’d think that.
Are you suggesting I’d cheat?!
If the narcissist uses gaslighting to get you to think or act in a certain way, it’s a huge sign that your identity is being eroded, and that you’re being groomed.
Identity doesn’t just play a huge part in who we are – it is who we are.
It’s never too late to find it again – but that can only ever truly happen when you are free from narcissists altogether.
When their abuse becomes your yesterday, you can make tomorrow the gift you give yourself.
