It’s one thing being groomed by a narcissist, but it’s quite another to know. Red flags can pass you by every day, and the more they’re ignored, the more the narcissist can groom.
What true intentions lie within the narcissist, though? What are those main 2 indicators that will reveal their evil game?
As hard as it can be to spot, that’s what I am here for, so let’s unpack exactly what narcissists do to manipulate you the toxic way they do.
Narcissists Sweeping In
They sweep and they come into our worlds before we even have a chance to blink and see what’s really going on, and that’s going to be touched on in point number one.
Let’s not be fooled though – being groomed by a narcissist is a covert act of abuse that – if you aren’t aware of narcissism – can easily happen to anybody.
The Grooming Game is Not a Game To Say Yes To
And I know that it’s never a conscious decision to say yes to participating in any narcissistic games, but this is one you really want to take a side step from.
They will try in all their power to entice you, and there are two main indicators that this is happening to you.
#1 Too Much, Too Soon
So point number one, and as promised, I want to touch on how quickly narcissists enter the lives of their victims.
Yes – it happens so quickly. They turn up at our front door and charm their way in.
They do it in a way that makes us feel like you are actually safe and worthy. The compliments flow. The laughter follows.
Before you know it, you’re:
- Opening up to them about the most vulnerable parts of your past.
- Allowing them to know your triggers.
- Becoming agreeable to everything they say or do.
- Assuming you’re the luckiest person in the world.
- Making plans that would otherwise take months or even years to carve out.
- Seeing yourself with them forever.
- Believing every word they say, simply because they wrap each one up in gold and present them to you as if they were rare diamonds.
The too much too soon aspect of being groomed by a narcissist creates a false sense of security, that you won’t realize exists until it’s too late.
They want you to move fast with them because then you will be:
- Be less likely to leave them.
- Feel that all your dreams have come true.
- Think that you have met somebody who keeps their promises.
- Under the illusion that they’re with you because they love you.
- Siding with them whenever somebody challenges you that things are ‘moving too quickly.’ As far as you’re concerned, you’ve experienced nothing but a pleasant, charming character.
As one of the main ways a narcissist grooms, getting involved too much, too soon is a dangerous game, but what’s most dangerous about it is the victim’s unawareness of what’s even going on.
Why would you have any inclination as to the toxic reality when you’re being taken out, treated like royalty, being gifted expensive flowers or jewelry, or being whisked away to a fancy hotel for the weekend?
Suddenly, you can talk about your future, and disclose your past.
The narcissist:
- Takes notes. They want to learn every part of you, what makes you laugh, what makes you cry, and all in between. They do thi to use at later dates so they can be both the cause, and the cure of your anxieties.
- Promises, promises, promises. They want you to believe them, so you trust them. Once that trust is built, they will abuse it by mistreating you, or what many know as the narcissistic cycle of abuse.
Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse
Let’s talk about that cycle a little more, so you can understand where the love/hate, push/pull, hot/cold comes from, and leads to.
Tension-building
When you meet the narcissist, it doesn’t take long for the charm to be replaced with tension.
Before long, you notice tension building. You’re challenged. There’s rising emotions, and none of them seem to be good. You feel it’s leading you somewhere, but you don’t know where.
Acting out
This stage of the cycle is known as the stage where your fantasies become somewhat distorted by the reality of their treatment of you.
Things start to not make sense anymore. Why are they starting to snap at you? What have you done wrong? Why the change in character? What is this tension in the air?
Why are they giving you the silent treatment? Why are they blaming you for things you haven’t done? What happened to that person you first met?
So many questions lead nowhere, as the narcissist will never be honest enough to tell you that their initial act was one of charm and fakery.
The narcissist pulls apart the dream they created, but only after an attachment bond was formed between you. Now they can do all of this, and you won’t go anywhere.
Reconciliation
Please forgive me. I will change. I’ve just been stressed. I’ve not been myself, there’s so much going on.
The reconciliation stage is where the narcissist can pull you back in and try to make everything okay again.
The charm when the two of you first met is brought back to life, and you see them attempt to make you feel worthy and important all over again.
What a ride for the victim.
Calm
And there you are, the calm stage. Where everything is fine, for a little while.
#2 Where Did You Go?
Victims of narcissistic abuse lose themselves over time to the dynamic.
They don’t mean to, nor do they want to, but it happens for several reasons:
- The narcissist pulls you away from what you know through criticism, ridicule, mockery, passive-aggressiveness, shame, guilt and rage.
- They convince you that you don’t need to be around the people you love anymore. “You only need me. I’m the only one who understands you.” This is n’t true – but is a ploy to make you feel as though you can’t trust or rely on anybody else.
- Your hobbies and interests stop. You think it’s easier to put a wedge in them rather than continue because all the narcissist does is make you feel bad in some way whenever you attempt them.
Maybe they say you aren’t clever, or fit, or good enough for them, so for you, you think, what’s the point?
- You lose your identity to a person who constantly questions your version of reality.
Gaslighting is a common way for narcissists to manipulate and control their victims, and they will use a wide range of phrases to do that, such as:
You’re absolutely crazy.
You have such a strange imagination!
It didn’t happen that way at all!
Of course you’d think that.
Are you suggesting I’d cheat?!
If the narcissist uses gaslighting to get you to think or act in a certain way, it’s a huge sign that your identity is being eroded, and that you’re being groomed.
Identity doesn’t just play a huge part in who we are – it is who we are.
It’s never too late to find it again – but that can only ever truly happen when you are free from narcissists altogether.
When their abuse becomes your yesterday, you can make tomorrow the gift you give yourself.
How Do Narcissists Manipulate Their Partners?
Narcissists are happiest when they have a partner they can twist, manipulate and control.
They love to be part of something where everybody else is smaller and less powerful than they are. Their lives then have meaning, just as they feel they should every day.
There are specific ways a narcissist will manipulate their partners, though. As troubling as it may sound, these are textbook ways – and that’s where you need to pay close attention.
If this sounds like your situation, that’s because it likely is.
“My Reality is Fact!”
The reality is that you’re being manipulated by someone who has had much practice. They’ve been exactly where they are now, except with different victims.
“You’re Nothing!”
Being told how worthless you are does a few things.
For the narcissist, it brings them to a new level of control and manipulation. If you hear something enough times, you will start to believe it.
You believe it even more when you’re treated that way alongside those words.
It’s all a tactic, created to destroy your hopes and dreams, your identity, and how you carry yourself each day.
Where you once stood tall, you now slouch and try to be invisible.
That’s exactly how the narcissist wants you.
“It’s Your Fault, Not Mine!”
Narcissists project to get whatever they’ve done wrong out of the light. They don’t want their faults or inappropriate actions to be spotted, and so they throw you out there instead.
So everybody looks at you. The narcissist looks at you as if they feel let down by you.
And you feel that shame, because you take it on. And you take it on because they’ve pushed it so far into you that you have no choice.
This design is set up to get them off the hook.
Thank God you are there for them to treat you this way – without you – they just might look like the bad guy.
Phew for them!
“…”
That’s right, the good old silent treatment. The way narcissists do this is by completely shutting down and ignoring you.
If you’ve experienced it, I don’t need to tell you how uncomfortable it is. It induces panic, fear and worry, and like all things narcissists do, it is unnecessary.
The silent treatment acts to give you nothing at all, so it’s easy for the narcissist to say, “Well, I didn’t say anything horrible. I wasn’t mean,” Then make excuses for them being quiet.
When you’ve been given the silent treatment, you are left to your own insecure devices.
What did I do wrong?
How can I fix this?
What can I do to make them happy?
I must be a terrible person.
What’s going to happen next?
Do you need this?
No.
Yet they make it so prevalent in your world.
It isn’t fair.
“I Must Cause Fallout”
What is life without a little drama? Actually, it’s quite nice. But then again, I’m speaking as an emotionally healthy person, and not a narcissist.
The idea that drama is of such greedy interest to the narcissist is one that never fails to shock me. Why would anybody want to be in the middle of so much negativity?
Narcissists do. As people and emotions explode around them, they can act and do what they like and not be seen to be doing anything wrong at all.
Be careful here – narcissists want to pull strings to see a certain dynamic.
If you’re a part of that, you will suffer.
“Poor Me…”
The victim mentality of a narcissist can stop the most believing people in their tracks.
It’s all been too much for me.
I try my best.
I don’t know what I do wrong to upset people.
I wish people would understand me.
These phrases tug at the heartstrings of those who want to give them the benefit of the doubt, and sadly – yes – it works.
Narcissists always want to look as though they’re being wronged.
This injects:
- Guilt
- Shame
- Self-blame
- Self-loathing
- Insecurity
- Worry
- Anxiety
- Depression
In their partners, and they know this.
They just don’t care.
“Bringing You Back, Get Ready!”
Let’s take you back to a time where we were so in love, and everything was perfect!
We are so great, you and me. It was us against the world!
Think about all that passion we had. You’re never going to be able to find that anywhere else.
Oh, the manipulation game is strong with these kinds of phrases. They love getting you at your most vulnerable, reflecting on the distorted nostalgia between you.
It’s enough to make you paint over all the cracks in between, isn’t it? And there were a lot of those.
What’s manipulative about this is the narcissist’s attempt to invite you to ignore their abuse, and only focus on the good (which was likely to have felt magical!)
Don’t get sucked into this black hole.
“I Will Tell Everybody!”
Uh-oh. What’s that supposed to mean?
I think you and I both know this is not going to end well with you,
Narcissists will tell whoever listens what a horrible person you are and how you wronged them. They may stretch as far as saying that you are the cheater, you hurt them, you spread lies about them and you’re the manipulative one.
It’s frustrating for victims, but beyond that, it’s absolutely destructive.
Suddenly, your reputation is in tatters. It’s all based on the false word of the narcissist, who, by the way, is likely loving seeing your house of bricks fall down while their house of cards remains.
“Nice, But Not!”
You go out, they act like the perfect partner.
You get home, and they ignore you.
You did this wrong, you did that wrong, you didn’t pay them enough attention, you flirted with that person.
Whatever it is, the charm will switch off. The mask will inevitably slip.
This is where the narcissist has learned not just to manipulate you but also to manipulate everybody else, too. They all think, “What a nice person. They’re such a good couple.”
Also the best one,
“You’re so lucky to have them as your partner!”
Oh boy, if only they knew the truth, right?
The truth is, you aren’t lucky. The narcissist is just very clever. They know buttons to press, when to press them, who to press them with, and they are always ready for it.
You on the other hand then find it even more difficult to convince people of the truth.
This is the sole reason why narcissists manipulate – to make you look like the crazy one eventually, and for them to be the victim.
