Reflecting on time spent with a narcissist is going to ignite many emotions and feelings.
What was I thinking?
Why did I believe them?
What attracted me to them in the first place?
And the main one?
Did I waste my life with them?
It’s a challenge to find reasons why it wasn’t a waste, but if anything, your time with them is a huge lesson.
I want to break down that lesson for you and show you that, in fact, it wasn’t as wasteful as you might think.
When The Regret Eats At You
It can feel like real, deep pain.
But what is regret? Wishing you acted differently? Wishing you could have spotted the signs sooner?
How could you have done any of those when you were being manipulated, and when you didn’t see the narcissist’s true colors until it was too late?
Regret will eat at you as you reflect on all the time you gave to somebody who ultimately failed to appreciate you, and treat you well.
You might feel anger – how dare they do this to you?
You may experience shame – how could you have been so stupid?
In truth, you weren’t stupid at all. You met a person, gave them a chance, and believed them when they loved you and threw wonderful gestures your way.
Why would you have known any better at the time? The charm of a narcissist is like a magnetic pull that can attract anybody – and you aren’t excluded from that.
The regret can feel too much at times.
The Idea That Your Life Was Wasted
Like the Cher song says:
If I could turn back time…
Ultimately, I don’t think there’s anyone among us who doesn’t wish we could go back and respond to or do something differently.
From an act as small as offering alternative words to somebody, or choosing the car you really had your heart set on but instead opted for another.
In truth – we can’t go back. Nothing can be changed, and we are here due to every choice we previously made.
Some choices were bigger than others, like the choice to be and remain with somebody who turned out to be abusive. The idea that your life was wasted can keep you from building a new one, and I don’t believe for a second that it was all bad.
I’m not saying your abuser had good traits, I’m asking you to consider what came from the relationship.
Did you have children?
Did you have any pets, maybe a dog or cat?
Did you live in a safe house with neighbors you got along with and became friends with?
What did you learn from the relationship?
What did it teach you about who you are?
When you really reflect, you will be able to see the bigger picture, and not all of that is taken up by you wasting your time.
Jane’s 45 Year Marriage:
I met, fell in love with, and married John within five months. I lived with my parents, who owned a pub, and they didn’t really have time for me. My dad always made me feel like I was in the way, and my mum was a bag of nerves.
When I met John, he felt like the answer to all my problems. Finally I was able to start my own family, and give my children the time and affection I didn’t really get.
We were together for 45 years before I finally realized how my whole life had revolved around abuse. I had no idea. I tried to just be a good person, and in the end I thought that attracted John.
He turned out to be a serial cheater, and when we divorced, I looked back on our marriage as a disaster and time wasted.
It took me some time to extract the good from it, but there was good. It made me stronger. I had to lose my worth to find it. I have three children and four wonderful grandsons.
Now, it’s my turn to start again and build a new life. And that life can look however I want it to.
Surviving Means Eventual Thriving
What can you gather from your experience that proves you survived it?
What does thriving look like to you?
You have every reason to feel like celebrating, even though you may not be in that headspace.
Thriving can be where you eventually find yourself.
- A new job
- Time to yourself
- Peace
- Quiet
- Zero drama
- Your reality back
- Your confidence growing
- Your self-worth returning
As you count down the days between the end of your relationship and the day you feel like yourself again, you will count down all the ways you can thrive.
It’s Never Too Late
Commonly seen as ‘too late,’ the rest of your life needn’t look like a part of time that leaves you feeling helpless and lost.
This is where it can all turn around.
It’s never too late for a happy ending, and when you get the chance to have your own, you should snap it up with both hands.
Happy endings can look like:
- Being on your own and enjoying your company without fear of the narcissist and their latest mood coming home
- Eventually maybe meeting somebody new (that will be totally up to you)
- Learning about narcissism and all the ways narcissists can destroy parts of your life that you can later on fix
- Learning new hobbies, or making new friends
- Deciding what you want to do, when you want to do it
Grieving is Normal!
I think this is the biggest part of any experience with a narcissist.
There has to be a moment you take that recognizes the time with the narcissist wasn’t the time you had hoped for. Anything lost, even something you never had, has the right to be grieved.
The narcissist did not provide you with love and affection. They didn’t offer you a safe space, and for potentially years, you stayed, hoping it would change.
Now you’re at the other side, wishing you could do it all again.
You had love for them, and that’s what hurts. Your love went to waste, but the fact that you can love will never go away.
What this means is that there is hope. Hope that you will overcome your experience, and find that love you had for them to turn it inward.
You do deserve that, and as you grieve, you will discover emotions that feel uncomfortable.
There is an emptiness in being with a narcissist. That emptiness is provided by them, and has nothing to do with you or how loveable you are.
Now is a time for change.
