Reflecting on time spent with a narcissist is going to ignite many emotions and feelings.
What was I thinking?
Why did I believe them?
What attracted me to them in the first place?
And the main one?
Did I waste my life with them?
It’s a challenge to find reasons why it wasn’t a waste, but if anything, your time with them is a huge lesson.
I want to break down that lesson for you and show you that, in fact, it wasn’t as wasteful as you might think.
When The Regret Eats At You
It can feel like real, deep pain.
But what is regret? Wishing you acted differently? Wishing you could have spotted the signs sooner?
How could you have done any of those when you were being manipulated, and when you didn’t see the narcissist’s true colors until it was too late?
Regret will eat at you as you reflect on all the time you gave to somebody who ultimately failed to appreciate you, and treat you well.
You might feel anger – how dare they do this to you?
You may experience shame – how could you have been so stupid?
In truth, you weren’t stupid at all. You met a person, gave them a chance, and believed them when they loved you and threw wonderful gestures your way.
Why would you have known any better at the time? The charm of a narcissist is like a magnetic pull that can attract anybody – and you aren’t excluded from that.
The regret can feel too much at times.
The Idea That Your Life Was Wasted
Like the Cher song says:
If I could turn back time…
Ultimately, I don’t think there’s anyone among us who doesn’t wish we could go back and respond to or do something differently.
From an act as small as offering alternative words to somebody, or choosing the car you really had your heart set on but instead opted for another.
In truth – we can’t go back. Nothing can be changed, and we are here due to every choice we previously made.
Some choices were bigger than others, like the choice to be and remain with somebody who turned out to be abusive. The idea that your life was wasted can keep you from building a new one, and I don’t believe for a second that it was all bad.
I’m not saying your abuser had good traits, I’m asking you to consider what came from the relationship.
Did you have children?
Did you have any pets, maybe a dog or cat?
Did you live in a safe house with neighbors you got along with and became friends with?
What did you learn from the relationship?
What did it teach you about who you are?
When you really reflect, you will be able to see the bigger picture, and not all of that is taken up by you wasting your time.
Jane’s 45 Year Marriage:
I met, fell in love with, and married John within five months. I lived with my parents, who owned a pub, and they didn’t really have time for me. My dad always made me feel like I was in the way, and my mum was a bag of nerves.
When I met John, he felt like the answer to all my problems. Finally I was able to start my own family, and give my children the time and affection I didn’t really get.
We were together for 45 years before I finally realized how my whole life had revolved around abuse. I had no idea. I tried to just be a good person, and in the end I thought that attracted John.
He turned out to be a serial cheater, and when we divorced, I looked back on our marriage as a disaster and time wasted.
It took me some time to extract the good from it, but there was good. It made me stronger. I had to lose my worth to find it. I have three children and four wonderful grandsons.
Now, it’s my turn to start again and build a new life. And that life can look however I want it to.
Surviving Means Eventual Thriving
What can you gather from your experience that proves you survived it?
What does thriving look like to you?
You have every reason to feel like celebrating, even though you may not be in that headspace.
Thriving can be where you eventually find yourself.
- A new job
- Time to yourself
- Peace
- Quiet
- Zero drama
- Your reality back
- Your confidence growing
- Your self-worth returning
As you count down the days between the end of your relationship and the day you feel like yourself again, you will count down all the ways you can thrive.
It’s Never Too Late
Commonly seen as ‘too late,’ the rest of your life needn’t look like a part of time that leaves you feeling helpless and lost.
This is where it can all turn around.
It’s never too late for a happy ending, and when you get the chance to have your own, you should snap it up with both hands.
Happy endings can look like:
- Being on your own and enjoying your company without fear of the narcissist and their latest mood coming home
- Eventually maybe meeting somebody new (that will be totally up to you)
- Learning about narcissism and all the ways narcissists can destroy parts of your life that you can later on fix
- Learning new hobbies, or making new friends
- Deciding what you want to do, when you want to do it
Grieving is Normal!
I think this is the biggest part of any experience with a narcissist.
There has to be a moment you take that recognizes the time with the narcissist wasn’t the time you had hoped for. Anything lost, even something you never had, has the right to be grieved.
The narcissist did not provide you with love and affection. They didn’t offer you a safe space, and for potentially years, you stayed, hoping it would change.
Now you’re at the other side, wishing you could do it all again.
You had love for them, and that’s what hurts. Your love went to waste, but the fact that you can love will never go away.
What this means is that there is hope. Hope that you will overcome your experience, and find that love you had for them to turn it inward.
You do deserve that, and as you grieve, you will discover emotions that feel uncomfortable.
There is an emptiness in being with a narcissist. That emptiness is provided by them, and has nothing to do with you or how loveable you are.
Now is a time for change.
How To Outsmart The Narcissist?
Outsmarting a narcissist might seem like something you would never be able to do.
Think of all those times that toxic person has made you feel small, or even nothing. The idea of outsmarting them won’t come naturally to you, right?
Wrong!
You can absolutely outsmart a narcissist. They won’t see it coming, they won’t see you coming – and it will be a shock to their narcissistic system!
Finding ways to outsmart a narcissist can be fun, and it will put you right back in control of your life.
So, let’s see a show of hands to see who’s with me?
Narcissists: The Truth Behind the Mask
Narcissists!
You’ve likely encountered them at some point in your life, right? That’s why you’re here!
Narcissists walk into a room and act like they own it, even if they’ve just walked into your kitchen. It’s incredibly frustrating.
Masters at creating a toxic air of confidence and superiority, narcissists hide behind their mask. Behind it all? Insecurity and neediness!
You know it well, I’m certain!
Narcissists can be charming and persuasive when they want to be.
They’re also incredibly convincing at it.
But don’t be fooled.
Their charm is a well-rehearsed act designed to get what they want, whether from you or from others.
They thrive on control and manipulation, and will do what it takes to continue this weird game of human chess they are experts at.
Understanding the core of a narcissist is crucial for all of us – especially you.
Beneath all charm and smiles, they are often fragile. They fear their true selves being exposed – and they do all they can so that doesn’t happen.
This fragility makes them dangerous, but it also makes it possible to outsmart them.
Once you know what exactly is lurking behind the mask, you’ll be much better equipped to deal with their toxic tactics.
They Think They’re So Clever!
Narcissists believe they are the smartest person in the world, and nobody else compares even marginally.
They convince themselves of this, and do their best to convince others too.
They use their quote-on-quote “intelligence” to dominate conversations and situations, which only makes others feel inferior. Is this a familiar story to you?
It is to so many people, sadly.
The narcissist has a deep sense of superiority, which acts as a double-edged sword.
Yes, it fuels their confidence and bravado. But also, it makes them vulnerable to being outsmarted. If you think about it, anybody can outsmart them, and it certainly doesn’t take much at all.
Their arrogance blinds them to their own weaknesses, which can backfire on them!
What does this mean? Well, it means the narcissist can sometimes really underestimate others.
Good news for you though – as this overconfidence is where you can find your edge.
Dealing with a narcissist requires more than just holding your ground; it’s about understanding their playbook and using their own tactics against them. They think they’re so clever, but with a little knowledge and strategy, you can turn the tables.
You? Really? …
Yes! Really!
You’re here because you’ve had enough of the narcissist’s mind games, right?
Outsmarting them is now a healthy option for you, and you should definitely do all you can to do it.
If the narcissist is your friend, boss, family member or lover – the time has come to regain control and peace of mind.
You’re so not alone.
Many people struggle with how to handle narcissists effectively.
The key?
Outsmart them!
Let’s get to the good bit…
How to Outsmart a Narcissist
#1 Be Firm – Set Your Boundaries!
Narcissists are known to thrive on pushing limits, no matter who they belong to. Oh yes, expect boundaries to be constantly tested. They will look for your weakness and then exploit them, until now, that is!
The first step in outsmarting a narcissist is to get your boundaries as firm and clear as possible. This means being completely transparent about behavior you will accept, and what behavior you won’t.
Don’t stop short at setting boundaries, you have to enforce them too. When that narcissist attempts to walk all over them, you have to calmly and consistently push back.
Make your language clear – and assertive. No, they won’t like it, but hey, this isn’t about them anymore, is it? The less emotion you apply, the better. After all, narcissists feed off any kind of reaction.
Composure is key, just like consistency.
#2 “Gray Rock”
The gray rock method is such an empowering tool when dealing with any narcissist.
The idea of gray rock is to make yourself as uninteresting and unresponsive as possible.
You might think that sounds easy but it does take a little practice to get it just right.
Remember, narcissists crave drama and seeing you act ‘overly-emotional.’ By being boring and unengaging, you deny them that very satisfaction they seek.
Bingo!
When they try to provoke you, be bland. Be the human equivalent of vanilla.
Avoid showing anger, frustration, excitement – any of it. Over time, they are strongly likely to lose interest in trying to manipulate you because you’re not giving them the fuel they need.
You’ve become so boring!
No…. I am just doing my best to outsmart your attitude…
#3 Deflection – Master It!
Narcissists love to put you on the spot – it’s their attempt to make you feel uncomfortable.
One way to tackle this is to master what I like to call the art of deflection.
Whenever they try to criticize or undermine you, that’s when you redirect the conversation. Ask them a question that shifts the focus back onto them or onto a neutral topic.
I’ll give you an example.
They criticize your decorating work at home (how predictable, right?)
Now you respond with, “Interesting point. What do you think about the weather lately?”
It sounds crazy, but it really throws them off and totally stops them in their tracks.
#4 Information is Preparation!
Ah yes, narcissists will often use misinformation and lies to manipulate everybody else.
You can outsmart them here by being well-informed and prepared. Do your research, re-check facts, and even have evidence to back it all up.
Many people I know have been known to write down information or revert to old texts for screenshots to prove their points.
This will all reduce the narcissist’s ability to use deception against you.
This is all about concrete information – and who can argue with the facts?
#5 Gather Your Support System
It’s not uncommon for narcissists to isolate their victims to assert themselves and gain more control.
You can maintain a strong network of people you love and trust. Seek support from anybody you know who may understand the situation you’re in, and who can provide advice.
Encouragement is also heavily advised here!
Having that crucial support system will help you stay grounded in your reality. When a narcissist is trying their best to get to you, you have people you can rely on to turn to.
Let’s start unlock that potential!
