A question I am asked most frequently is, “Did the narcissist ever actually love me?”
I look to the person asking as they await my response with a hopeful pause.
I have nothing for them.
I can’t lie – it goes against all my personal and professional morals.
So what do I do?
I’m honest.
The truth has the potential to hurt more than a lie, which is why people often lie to themselves.
I say, let’s look at it this way:
If a narcissist is as evil as we know they are, how can they ever experience something as joyful as love?
You Assume What You’re Told To Be True
When you hear ‘I love you,’ it can warm even the most vulnerable, insecure hearts.
Finally, you’re loved and accepted. You’ve got that person – stop the press!
Why would you assume any different? They come out with those three magic words, and your life is completely whole.
Not Your Fault
The most common pain center the clients I have seen deal with when overcoming narcissistic abuse, is the idea that they weren’t loveable.
They never loved me. What’s wrong with me? What did I do wrong? I tried everything.
I always stop them. I stop them and I go through every aspect of the narcissist’s character with them.
Inability to allow anybody to be more important than them.
Jealous by nature.
Entitled to the highest degree.
Selfish.
Critical.
Always has to be right.
Hates hearing ’no.’
Always stirring trouble.
Loves to fall out.
Dishes out the silent treatment for fun.
Is this somebody who really loves you? How can it be?
This is not a you thing.
Love and It’s Meanings
You have a view of love that I want you to consider for a moment. Sit consciously in what you’ve been taught about love and how it makes you feel.
You
You want to say, “Love is amazing.” I feel secure and safe when I am in love, and the people I have shared love with have treated me respectfully and kindly. I appreciate the memories.
The reality is that you think love is a feeling that you need to earn. You chase it, because the value is found in that chase.
No matter how much you get rejected, you fight until you receive a little of the love you get.
When you do, you want to celebrate and rejoice. You never care about the 99 times they made you cry, you just live for the 1 time they make you feel good.
The Narcissist
Love has only one meaning for the narcissist:
If I say it, they will believe it, yet I cannot feel it.
Any other form of love is incomprehensible to them, leaving victims feeling the brunt of it.
They’re told they’re loved, yet they don’t feel it.
They stay because they want to wait to see if love will ever be possible.
Listen To What They Say, Not Do
When I tell you that love is a verb, I want you to give it some real thought.
To do, is to love.
To speak, is to share a promise that will never transition to reality.
When the person you’re in a relationship with listens to you when you ask for affection, support, time, love, honesty – you do. You create meaning from their call to you.
What you don’t do is nod, say “sure,” and let that be that. It doesn’t work. You can’t be complacent with the person you love because your complacency will kill the relationship.
Narcissists aren’t complacent as such, but if you consider, ‘ They say they will and they hesitate forever with it,’ then yes, there is a level of stringing it out.
This is majorly on purpose, as narcissists never really aim to provide you with what they say they will.
Pacifying you with a promise is not love, but it does leave you waiting, wishing, hoping, wanting, and waiting some more.
That’s no way to live your life – especially if you’re being told you’re loved.
This is not love.
Admitting The Truth
Admitting the truth is the hardest thing, but it is the catalyst for all healing from narcissistic abuse.
It’s from where you begin to build the rest of your life. Without the admittance that they never loved you, you will never be able to see the real motive behind their presence…
…They just wanted your supply, and not you.
When you love somebody and they don’t love you back, it can be a very difficult process to overcome.
One thing that makes it better is knowing. You wish the other person can be grown up enough to tell you they don’t feel the same or want the relationship to end.
If they did, it’d cut you like a knife, but knowing is what can help you move on.
It’s what narcissists never offer, and that’s why it’s up to you to give yourself closure.
Sometimes, their silence needs to be all the closure you need.
All too often, we look for the text, or the email, or the call.
I’m sorry. I’m not in love with you. It’s not working for me.
We rely on the other person to close the chapter for us. This communication helps you understand what’s going on and gives you the answers you need.
Narcissists never enter a relationship healthily, and they never leave it healthily either. From the moment you meet until always, they will always be the person who is somehow, in some way, still around.
So you never really feel like it’s over.
The Childhood View of Love
Like most victims of narcissistic abuse, home as a child will have looked somewhat distorted.
You may or may not have had all the shiny things in the house, but you definitely didn’t have proper love from a parent.
Absent in some way, they will have neglected your needs, only giving you the attention you want when it suits you or when they want something from you.
You will have looked for ways to try to get them to love you, such as cleaning the house or drawing a picture.
Being overly helpful so they notice you, and thank you. Giving them a hug and telling them you love them. Trying to do as you’re told, and getting good grades.
It was never enough, except for the glimmer of times it seemed to be, and they said something positive to you.
Spending your childhood this way paves your path similarly into adulthood. The inclination to search for a partner who values and respects you is unfamiliar and was never taught to you.
So you look for the familiar, because that is normal to you.
But this is not normal.
You can be loved.
It is possible.
But it isn’t possible with a narcissist.
