A question I am asked most frequently is, “Did the narcissist ever actually love me?”
I look to the person asking as they await my response with a hopeful pause.
I have nothing for them.
I can’t lie – it goes against all my personal and professional morals.
So what do I do?
I’m honest.
The truth has the potential to hurt more than a lie, which is why people often lie to themselves.
I say, let’s look at it this way:
If a narcissist is as evil as we know they are, how can they ever experience something as joyful as love?
You Assume What You’re Told To Be True
When you hear ‘I love you,’ it can warm even the most vulnerable, insecure hearts.
Finally, you’re loved and accepted. You’ve got that person – stop the press!
Why would you assume any different? They come out with those three magic words, and your life is completely whole.
Not Your Fault
The most common pain center the clients I have seen deal with when overcoming narcissistic abuse, is the idea that they weren’t loveable.
They never loved me. What’s wrong with me? What did I do wrong? I tried everything.
I always stop them. I stop them and I go through every aspect of the narcissist’s character with them.
Inability to allow anybody to be more important than them.
Jealous by nature.
Entitled to the highest degree.
Selfish.
Critical.
Always has to be right.
Hates hearing ’no.’
Always stirring trouble.
Loves to fall out.
Dishes out the silent treatment for fun.
Is this somebody who really loves you? How can it be?
This is not a you thing.
Love and It’s Meanings
You have a view of love that I want you to consider for a moment. Sit consciously in what you’ve been taught about love and how it makes you feel.
You
You want to say, “Love is amazing.” I feel secure and safe when I am in love, and the people I have shared love with have treated me respectfully and kindly. I appreciate the memories.
The reality is that you think love is a feeling that you need to earn. You chase it, because the value is found in that chase.
No matter how much you get rejected, you fight until you receive a little of the love you get.
When you do, you want to celebrate and rejoice. You never care about the 99 times they made you cry, you just live for the 1 time they make you feel good.
The Narcissist
Love has only one meaning for the narcissist:
If I say it, they will believe it, yet I cannot feel it.
Any other form of love is incomprehensible to them, leaving victims feeling the brunt of it.
They’re told they’re loved, yet they don’t feel it.
They stay because they want to wait to see if love will ever be possible.
Listen To What They Say, Not Do
When I tell you that love is a verb, I want you to give it some real thought.
To do, is to love.
To speak, is to share a promise that will never transition to reality.
When the person you’re in a relationship with listens to you when you ask for affection, support, time, love, honesty – you do. You create meaning from their call to you.
What you don’t do is nod, say “sure,” and let that be that. It doesn’t work. You can’t be complacent with the person you love because your complacency will kill the relationship.
Narcissists aren’t complacent as such, but if you consider, ‘ They say they will and they hesitate forever with it,’ then yes, there is a level of stringing it out.
This is majorly on purpose, as narcissists never really aim to provide you with what they say they will.
Pacifying you with a promise is not love, but it does leave you waiting, wishing, hoping, wanting, and waiting some more.
That’s no way to live your life – especially if you’re being told you’re loved.
This is not love.
Admitting The Truth
Admitting the truth is the hardest thing, but it is the catalyst for all healing from narcissistic abuse.
It’s from where you begin to build the rest of your life. Without the admittance that they never loved you, you will never be able to see the real motive behind their presence…
…They just wanted your supply, and not you.
When you love somebody and they don’t love you back, it can be a very difficult process to overcome.
One thing that makes it better is knowing. You wish the other person can be grown up enough to tell you they don’t feel the same or want the relationship to end.
If they did, it’d cut you like a knife, but knowing is what can help you move on.
It’s what narcissists never offer, and that’s why it’s up to you to give yourself closure.
Sometimes, their silence needs to be all the closure you need.
All too often, we look for the text, or the email, or the call.
I’m sorry. I’m not in love with you. It’s not working for me.
We rely on the other person to close the chapter for us. This communication helps you understand what’s going on and gives you the answers you need.
Narcissists never enter a relationship healthily, and they never leave it healthily either. From the moment you meet until always, they will always be the person who is somehow, in some way, still around.
So you never really feel like it’s over.
The Childhood View of Love
Like most victims of narcissistic abuse, home as a child will have looked somewhat distorted.
You may or may not have had all the shiny things in the house, but you definitely didn’t have proper love from a parent.
Absent in some way, they will have neglected your needs, only giving you the attention you want when it suits you or when they want something from you.
You will have looked for ways to try to get them to love you, such as cleaning the house or drawing a picture.
Being overly helpful so they notice you, and thank you. Giving them a hug and telling them you love them. Trying to do as you’re told, and getting good grades.
It was never enough, except for the glimmer of times it seemed to be, and they said something positive to you.
Spending your childhood this way paves your path similarly into adulthood. The inclination to search for a partner who values and respects you is unfamiliar and was never taught to you.
So you look for the familiar, because that is normal to you.
But this is not normal.
You can be loved.
It is possible.
But it isn’t possible with a narcissist.
How To Outsmart The Narcissist?
Outsmarting a narcissist might seem like something you would never be able to do.
Think of all those times that toxic person has made you feel small, or even nothing. The idea of outsmarting them won’t come naturally to you, right?
Wrong!
You can absolutely outsmart a narcissist. They won’t see it coming, they won’t see you coming – and it will be a shock to their narcissistic system!
Finding ways to outsmart a narcissist can be fun, and it will put you right back in control of your life.
So, let’s see a show of hands to see who’s with me?
Narcissists: The Truth Behind the Mask
Narcissists!
You’ve likely encountered them at some point in your life, right? That’s why you’re here!
Narcissists walk into a room and act like they own it, even if they’ve just walked into your kitchen. It’s incredibly frustrating.
Masters at creating a toxic air of confidence and superiority, narcissists hide behind their mask. Behind it all? Insecurity and neediness!
You know it well, I’m certain!
Narcissists can be charming and persuasive when they want to be.
They’re also incredibly convincing at it.
But don’t be fooled.
Their charm is a well-rehearsed act designed to get what they want, whether from you or from others.
They thrive on control and manipulation, and will do what it takes to continue this weird game of human chess they are experts at.
Understanding the core of a narcissist is crucial for all of us – especially you.
Beneath all charm and smiles, they are often fragile. They fear their true selves being exposed – and they do all they can so that doesn’t happen.
This fragility makes them dangerous, but it also makes it possible to outsmart them.
Once you know what exactly is lurking behind the mask, you’ll be much better equipped to deal with their toxic tactics.
They Think They’re So Clever!
Narcissists believe they are the smartest person in the world, and nobody else compares even marginally.
They convince themselves of this, and do their best to convince others too.
They use their quote-on-quote “intelligence” to dominate conversations and situations, which only makes others feel inferior. Is this a familiar story to you?
It is to so many people, sadly.
The narcissist has a deep sense of superiority, which acts as a double-edged sword.
Yes, it fuels their confidence and bravado. But also, it makes them vulnerable to being outsmarted. If you think about it, anybody can outsmart them, and it certainly doesn’t take much at all.
Their arrogance blinds them to their own weaknesses, which can backfire on them!
What does this mean? Well, it means the narcissist can sometimes really underestimate others.
Good news for you though – as this overconfidence is where you can find your edge.
Dealing with a narcissist requires more than just holding your ground; it’s about understanding their playbook and using their own tactics against them. They think they’re so clever, but with a little knowledge and strategy, you can turn the tables.
You? Really? …
Yes! Really!
You’re here because you’ve had enough of the narcissist’s mind games, right?
Outsmarting them is now a healthy option for you, and you should definitely do all you can to do it.
If the narcissist is your friend, boss, family member or lover – the time has come to regain control and peace of mind.
You’re so not alone.
Many people struggle with how to handle narcissists effectively.
The key?
Outsmart them!
Let’s get to the good bit…
How to Outsmart a Narcissist
#1 Be Firm – Set Your Boundaries!
Narcissists are known to thrive on pushing limits, no matter who they belong to. Oh yes, expect boundaries to be constantly tested. They will look for your weakness and then exploit them, until now, that is!
The first step in outsmarting a narcissist is to get your boundaries as firm and clear as possible. This means being completely transparent about behavior you will accept, and what behavior you won’t.
Don’t stop short at setting boundaries, you have to enforce them too. When that narcissist attempts to walk all over them, you have to calmly and consistently push back.
Make your language clear – and assertive. No, they won’t like it, but hey, this isn’t about them anymore, is it? The less emotion you apply, the better. After all, narcissists feed off any kind of reaction.
Composure is key, just like consistency.
#2 “Gray Rock”
The gray rock method is such an empowering tool when dealing with any narcissist.
The idea of gray rock is to make yourself as uninteresting and unresponsive as possible.
You might think that sounds easy but it does take a little practice to get it just right.
Remember, narcissists crave drama and seeing you act ‘overly-emotional.’ By being boring and unengaging, you deny them that very satisfaction they seek.
Bingo!
When they try to provoke you, be bland. Be the human equivalent of vanilla.
Avoid showing anger, frustration, excitement – any of it. Over time, they are strongly likely to lose interest in trying to manipulate you because you’re not giving them the fuel they need.
You’ve become so boring!
No…. I am just doing my best to outsmart your attitude…
#3 Deflection – Master It!
Narcissists love to put you on the spot – it’s their attempt to make you feel uncomfortable.
One way to tackle this is to master what I like to call the art of deflection.
Whenever they try to criticize or undermine you, that’s when you redirect the conversation. Ask them a question that shifts the focus back onto them or onto a neutral topic.
I’ll give you an example.
They criticize your decorating work at home (how predictable, right?)
Now you respond with, “Interesting point. What do you think about the weather lately?”
It sounds crazy, but it really throws them off and totally stops them in their tracks.
#4 Information is Preparation!
Ah yes, narcissists will often use misinformation and lies to manipulate everybody else.
You can outsmart them here by being well-informed and prepared. Do your research, re-check facts, and even have evidence to back it all up.
Many people I know have been known to write down information or revert to old texts for screenshots to prove their points.
This will all reduce the narcissist’s ability to use deception against you.
This is all about concrete information – and who can argue with the facts?
#5 Gather Your Support System
It’s not uncommon for narcissists to isolate their victims to assert themselves and gain more control.
You can maintain a strong network of people you love and trust. Seek support from anybody you know who may understand the situation you’re in, and who can provide advice.
Encouragement is also heavily advised here!
Having that crucial support system will help you stay grounded in your reality. When a narcissist is trying their best to get to you, you have people you can rely on to turn to.
Let’s start unlock that potential!
