Devastating Mistakes I Made When Divorcing a Narcissist

Well, this is new for you!

I’ve been allowed to take over The Narcissistic Life HQ for one day only, and with special permission from Alexander, I want to tell my story.

It could be your story too, I mean, there’s a strong chance some of us have this in common. Maybe – and sadly for you – we’re about to have it in common.

I divorced a narcissist, and it was hell.

Hell because I made mistakes I used to wish I could change, but I accept now that I can’t.

It doesn’t have to be that way for you, and that’s why I’m here.

I’m your lesson learned.

I Thought He Was The One

I’ll call him Adam. And boy, did I think he was the one when we met 20 years ago. Within 3 months, we were engaged and living together.

I suppose that should’ve been my first red flag, but back then I didn’t know it as a red flag. 

I just thought it was ‘the best thing ever.’

He was kind, smart, and loyal. He wanted all of my time, and I was only too happy to offer it. It made a change, after all. I grew up with a father who completely neglected me.

We had a lovely house. There were five of us in all. On the outside, I supposed we were the perfect family, but my dad was awful to me.

The ridiculing. The criticism. The hot and cold emotions. The way he made me feel like I didn’t matter. Like I was a mistake. 

So meeting Adam as a young adult, I thought I finally met somebody who valued me, and who took the time to get to know me. 

He promised the world, and within weeks, delivered the promise of marriage and forever. 

What I Realized I Needed Myself

Looking back now, I realize that I was looking for the validation I never got from my dad.

A hard thing to accept, but as soon as I did it all began to make sense. 

What I needed was myself.

The divorce came soon after, as I saw those 20 years as a complete waste of my time and energy. 

Adam didn’t really stop me, other than the usual, “What are you going to do without me? You can’t even change a lightbulb properly.”

He was right, I didn’t. And for a while, I let that stop me from moving on.

My Marriage Was a Sham

Considering my marriage to be the sham that it was, was tough. 

I do recall the times Adam was frightfully nice to me. One time he bought me a board game I always wanted but never got as a child.

I thought it was so thoughtful, and part of me still holds onto that side of him.

I Actually Felt Guilty!

When our marriage was over and the divorce was pending, I felt a great sense of guilt.

Was this all my fault?

I was often blamed, and as the years went on, I learned to blame myself by default all the time. 

So when it came to the divorce, you guessed it. I blamed myself. Was I intolerable of somebody who just needed a little help and support?

Did I not give enough of myself? Should I have just done what he asked all this time, without questioning its immorality?

Then Came The Shame

Divorcing at my age (60 something…) was not on my list of things I wanted to achieve in my life.

It was hard to tell family and friends what was happening. You spend decades with somebody, and the last thing they will assume is that things are no longer happy and positive. 

In truth, I can’t really recall more than a handful of times we both got along well for long enough to feel safe.

I reflect on that shame and know it was wrong of me to think like that. Adam’s application of pressure to those thoughts didn’t help.

He would say, “People are going to be so shocked. You had it all and thrown it all away by ending this.”

It would make me relive that guilt plus question if I should really be divorcing him.

Those phrases and statements would stop me from signing on the dotted line for a long time, yet he never gave me a real reason to believe he would change. 

Waiting.. And Waiting…

Once the divorce process began, it took a very long time to get anything done at all. I’d ask Adam, “What do we do about our pensions? How do we split the house? When do we put it on the market?”

Waiting for Adam to get back to me with information or to even comply with the proceedings was painful.

He knew he was keeping me waiting and in full control. I see it as somewhat of a last-ditch attempt to be able to abuse me.

He would do stupid things, like question something my lawyer sent, or hesitate when splitting our assets. 

He would return to his lawyer, and it would be that painful wait.

He knew I wanted it all over with, and he played on that to no end. 

My mistake here was believing it’d be any different. 

I Forgot To Put Myself First

Well, I hadn’t for years, so why start now?

Putting myself first—before my marriage, Adam, and my children—was completely alien to me.

I didn’t know where to begin, but I forgot to realize that being in those divorce proceedings was enough to know that I had that capability. 

By not putting myself first, I wasted a lot of time mulling over whether or not I was doing the right thing. I should have made sure I slept better and kept a diary of how I was feeling as an outlet. 

I didn’t. 

Some nights were sleepless as I tried to come to terms with all the changes that were taking place. 

I Didn’t Fight Enough For What Was Mine

I left a lot of important or sentimental things to Adam to please him.

These were things like our garden ornaments the children got us for anniversaries that I knew he never liked. 

He would say, “If you are having the TV, I will take those.” 

In the end, for ease, I just said yes because the battles were wearing me down.

Now I know that was his aim.

To punish me in parting.

I Believed I’d Forever Be Alone

The biggest mistake of all, I think, was to assume the divorce meant I was going to be alone for the rest of my life.

I took a holiday not long after everything was finalized, and I drew up the courage to move to another county. 

It meant I was closer to my daughter, but it also meant I knew nobody.

After two years of living here, I met Graham. We don’t live together or get married, but we like to go out together and spend time in each other’s company. 

I don’t want to go through all that again, but I know Graham is completely different, and it’s been three years of knowing him.

Never think the narcissist is your final chapter because, if anything, they’re just the first. The rest is up to you.