Well, this is new for you!

I’ve been allowed to take over The Narcissistic Life HQ for one day only, and with special permission from Alexander, I want to tell my story.

It could be your story too, I mean, there’s a strong chance some of us have this in common. Maybe – and sadly for you – we’re about to have it in common.

I divorced a narcissist, and it was hell.

Hell because I made mistakes I used to wish I could change, but I accept now that I can’t.

It doesn’t have to be that way for you, and that’s why I’m here.

I’m your lesson learned.

I Thought He Was The One

I’ll call him Adam. And boy, did I think he was the one when we met 20 years ago. Within 3 months, we were engaged and living together. I suppose that should’ve been my first red flag, but back then I didn’t know it as a red flag. 

I just thought it was ‘the best thing ever.’

He was kind, smart, and loyal. He wanted all of my time, and I was only too happy to offer it. It made a change, after all. I grew up with a father who completely neglected me.

We had a lovely house. There were five of us in all. On the outside, I supposed we were the perfect family, but my dad was awful to me.

The ridiculing. The criticism. The hot and cold emotions. The way he made me feel like I didn’t matter. Like I was a mistake. 

So meeting Adam as a young adult, I thought I finally met somebody who valued me, and who took the time to get to know me. 

He promised the world, and within weeks, delivered the promise of marriage and forever. 

What I Realized I Needed Myself

Looking back now, I realize that I was looking for the validation I never got from my dad.

A hard thing to accept, but as soon as I did it all began to make sense. 

What I needed was myself.

The divorce came soon after, as I saw those 20 years as a complete waste of my time and energy. 

Adam didn’t really stop me, other than the usual, “What are you going to do without me? You can’t even change a lightbulb properly.”

He was right, I didn’t. And for a while, I let that stop me from moving on.

My Marriage Was a Sham

Considering my marriage to be the sham that it was, was tough. 

I do recall the times Adam was frightfully nice to me. One time he bought me a board game I always wanted but never got as a child.

I thought it was so thoughtful, and part of me still holds onto that side of him.

I Actually Felt Guilty!

When our marriage was over and the divorce was pending, I felt a great sense of guilt.

Was this all my fault?

I was often blamed, and as the years went on, I learned to blame myself by default all the time. 

So when it came to the divorce, you guessed it. I blamed myself. Was I intolerable of somebody who just needed a little help and support?

Did I not give enough of myself? Should I have just done what he asked all this time, without questioning its immorality?

Then Came The Shame

Divorcing at my age (60 something…) was not on my list of things I wanted to achieve in my life. It was hard to tell family and friends what was happening. You spend decades with somebody, and the last thing they will assume is that things are no longer happy and positive. 

In truth, I can’t really recall more than a handful of times we both got along well for long enough to feel safe.

I reflect on that shame and know it was wrong of me to think like that. Adam’s application of pressure to those thoughts didn’t help.

He would say, “People are going to be so shocked. You had it all and thrown it all away by ending this.” It would make me relive that guilt plus question if I should really be divorcing him.

Those phrases and statements would stop me from signing on the dotted line for a long time, yet he never gave me a real reason to believe he would change. 

Waiting.. And Waiting…

Once the divorce process began, it took a very long time to get anything done at all. I’d ask Adam, “What do we do about our pensions? How do we split the house? When do we put it on the market?”

Waiting for Adam to get back to me with information or to even comply with the proceedings was painful. He knew he was keeping me waiting and in full control. I see it as somewhat of a last-ditch attempt to be able to abuse me.

He would do stupid things, like question something my lawyer sent, or hesitate when splitting our assets. 

He would return to his lawyer, and it would be that painful wait.

He knew I wanted it all over with, and he played on that to no end. 

My mistake here was believing it’d be any different. 

I Forgot To Put Myself First

Well, I hadn’t for years, so why start now?

Putting myself first—before my marriage, Adam, and my children—was completely alien to me. I didn’t know where to begin, but I forgot to realize that being in those divorce proceedings was enough to know that I had that capability. 

By not putting myself first, I wasted a lot of time mulling over whether or not I was doing the right thing. I should have made sure I slept better and kept a diary of how I was feeling as an outlet. 

I didn’t. 

Some nights were sleepless as I tried to come to terms with all the changes that were taking place. 

I Didn’t Fight Enough For What Was Mine

I left a lot of important or sentimental things to Adam to please him.

These were things like our garden ornaments the children got us for anniversaries that I knew he never liked. 

He would say, “If you are having the TV, I will take those.” 

In the end, for ease, I just said yes because the battles were wearing me down.

Now I know that was his aim.

To punish me in parting.

I Believed I’d Forever Be Alone

The biggest mistake of all, I think, was to assume the divorce meant I was going to be alone for the rest of my life.

I took a holiday not long after everything was finalized, and I drew up the courage to move to another county. 

It meant I was closer to my daughter, but it also meant I knew nobody.

After two years of living here, I met Graham. We don’t live together or get married, but we like to go out together and spend time in each other’s company. 

I don’t want to go through all that again, but I know Graham is completely different, and it’s been three years of knowing him.

Never think the narcissist is your final chapter because, if anything, they’re just the first. The rest is up to you. 

How To Outsmart The Narcissist?

Outsmarting a narcissist might seem like something you would never be able to do.

Think of all those times that toxic person has made you feel small, or even nothing. The idea of outsmarting them won’t come naturally to you, right?

Wrong!

You can absolutely outsmart a narcissist. They won’t see it coming, they won’t see you coming – and it will be a shock to their narcissistic system!

Finding ways to outsmart a narcissist can be fun, and it will put you right back in control of your life.

So, let’s see a show of hands to see who’s with me?

Narcissists: The Truth Behind the Mask

Narcissists! 

You’ve likely encountered them at some point in your life, right? That’s why you’re here!

Narcissists walk into a room and act like they own it, even if they’ve just walked into your kitchen. It’s incredibly frustrating.  

Masters at creating a toxic air of confidence and superiority, narcissists hide behind their mask. Behind it all? Insecurity and neediness!

You know it well, I’m certain!

Narcissists can be charming and persuasive when they want to be. 

They’re also incredibly convincing at it. 

But don’t be fooled. 

Their charm is a well-rehearsed act designed to get what they want, whether from you or from others.

They thrive on control and manipulation, and will do what it takes to continue this weird game of human chess they are experts at. 

Understanding the core of a narcissist is crucial for all of us – especially you. 

Beneath all charm and smiles, they are often fragile. They fear their true selves being exposed – and they do all they can so that doesn’t happen. 

This fragility makes them dangerous, but it also makes it possible to outsmart them. 

Once you know what exactly is lurking behind the mask, you’ll be much better equipped to deal with their toxic tactics.

They Think They’re So Clever!

Narcissists believe they are the smartest person in the world, and nobody else compares even marginally. 

They convince themselves of this, and do their best to convince others too.

They use their quote-on-quote “intelligence” to dominate conversations and situations, which only makes others feel inferior. Is this a familiar story to you? 

It is to so many people, sadly.

The narcissist has a deep sense of superiority, which acts as a double-edged sword. 

Yes, it fuels their confidence and bravado. But also, it makes them vulnerable to being outsmarted. If you think about it, anybody can outsmart them, and it certainly doesn’t take much at all. 

Their arrogance blinds them to their own weaknesses, which can backfire on them!

What does this mean? Well, it means the narcissist can sometimes really underestimate others. 

Good news for you though – as this overconfidence is where you can find your edge.

Dealing with a narcissist requires more than just holding your ground; it’s about understanding their playbook and using their own tactics against them. They think they’re so clever, but with a little knowledge and strategy, you can turn the tables.

You? Really? …

Yes! Really!

You’re here because you’ve had enough of the narcissist’s mind games, right?

Outsmarting them is now a healthy option for you, and you should definitely do all you can to do it.

If the narcissist is your friend, boss, family member or lover – the time has come to regain control and peace of mind. 

You’re so not alone.

Many people struggle with how to handle narcissists effectively. 

The key? 

Outsmart them!

Let’s get to the good bit…

How to Outsmart a Narcissist

#1 Be Firm – Set Your Boundaries!

Narcissists are known to thrive on pushing limits, no matter who they belong to. Oh yes, expect boundaries to be constantly tested. They will look for your weakness and then exploit them, until now, that is!

The first step in outsmarting a narcissist is to get your boundaries as firm and clear as possible. This means being completely transparent about behavior you will accept, and what behavior you won’t.

Don’t stop short at setting boundaries, you have to enforce them too. When that narcissist attempts to walk all over them, you have to calmly and consistently push back. 

Make your language clear – and assertive. No, they won’t like it, but hey, this isn’t about them anymore, is it? The less emotion you apply, the better. After all, narcissists feed off any kind of reaction.

Composure is key, just like consistency. 

#2 “Gray Rock”

The gray rock method is such an empowering tool when dealing with any narcissist. 

The idea of gray rock is to make yourself as uninteresting and unresponsive as possible.

You might think that sounds easy but it does take a little practice to get it just right.

Remember, narcissists crave drama and seeing you act ‘overly-emotional.’ By being boring and unengaging, you deny them that very satisfaction they seek.

Bingo!

When they try to provoke you, be bland. Be the human equivalent of vanilla.

Avoid showing anger, frustration, excitement – any of it. Over time, they are strongly likely to lose interest in trying to manipulate you because you’re not giving them the fuel they need.

You’ve become so boring!

No…. I am just doing my best to outsmart your attitude…

#3 Deflection – Master It!

Narcissists love to put you on the spot – it’s their attempt to make you feel uncomfortable. 

One way to tackle this is to master what I like to call the art of deflection.

Whenever they try to criticize or undermine you, that’s when you redirect the conversation. Ask them a question that shifts the focus back onto them or onto a neutral topic.

I’ll give you an example.

They criticize your decorating work at home (how predictable, right?) 

Now you respond with, “Interesting point. What do you think about the weather lately?” 

It sounds crazy, but it really throws them off and totally stops them in their tracks. 

#4 Information is Preparation!

Ah yes, narcissists will often use misinformation and lies to manipulate everybody else. 

You can outsmart them here by being well-informed and prepared. Do your research, re-check facts, and even have evidence to back it all up. 

Many people I know have been known to write down information or revert to old texts for screenshots to prove their points. 

This will all reduce the narcissist’s ability to use deception against you.

This is all about concrete information – and who can argue with the facts?

#5 Gather Your Support System

It’s not uncommon for narcissists to isolate their victims to assert themselves and gain more control.

You can maintain a strong network of people you love and trust. Seek support from anybody you know who may understand the situation you’re in, and who can provide advice.

Encouragement is also heavily advised here!

Having that crucial support system will help you stay grounded in your reality. When a narcissist is trying their best to get to you, you have people you can rely on to turn to. 

Let’s start unlock that potential!