It’s official: The narcissist is history!
Pop the bottle! Celebrate in style!
And now the fun part…
…You get to date again and find somebody who values you, and loves you for who you are.
What could go wrong?
Well, I hate to burst those champagne bubbles, but you need to prepare for ‘after the narcissist’ in all ways.
And I’m here for it all.
The good… and the bad…
Finally – A New Dawn
You’ve awoken to a new dawn in more ways than one. Finally, you have put the past behind you, and the narcissist within that past. Now you’re heading into your future, with hope, joy and a little trepidation.
That trepidation is natural. After all you went through, you’ll be keen not to fall into the same toxic dynamic as the one you just got out of, and that’s fair to not want.
New Opportunities, Right?
With new dawns come new opportunities, and you start to think about what you want, and what you don’t want.
A narcissist is going to leave you feeling somewhat depleted after your time together, and that will show in how you currently feel.
However…
There are going to be many opportunities coming your way to start dating again, and meeting somebody new. Even just opportunities to feel better about yourself will arise, and you shouldn’t ignore or neglect them.
How Do You Come Across?
With all of these changes occurring for you – what do they look like to you, and how are they determining how you act?
I ask because, well, any negative experience leaves a mark, right?
When was the last time you checked in with the kind of marks a narcissist has left? I don’t mean a bruise or a graze (although it’s still possible in some cases, sadly). I mean the kind of marks that alter how you view future opportunities to love, or even date again.
The Big Debate: History Repeating Itself?
After a while of getting to know yourself again, somebody new might come along that you like. Now, to the person who hasn’t previously been abused, great! What an exciting time!
For you?
You will likely feel a more mixed range of emotions.
What will go wrong?
Who will they turn out to be?
Can I trust what they say?
Do I go for it?
I’m damaged goods.
I haven’t got the mental or physical capacity to go through all of this again.
I’m worried.
You might reach out to family, who by all their innocence will tell you to stop looking for those red flags and just enjoy getting to know somebody new.
You’ll be surprised how many people then drop their entire guard.
Enjoy Life! Do what makes you happy! Enjoy it!…
…Only to have history literally repeat itself.
Red flags when encouraged to be overlooked by others, will ultimately be the one opportunity you had to walk a different path, only to head down the familiar one.
Moving At a Great Speed
When the time comes where you want to begin dating again, I want you to think about hovering your foot above the brake pedal. Think about how you got where you got to with the narcissist, and how much ‘time’ played a big role in that.
The narcissist isn’t really interested in speed. As far as they’re concerned, the quicker things go, the better chance they have of baiting you. Any kind of slowing down or hesitation may result in a loss of interest by you, and they can’t afford that.
Fastness is a red flag.
I mean it.
When you feel as though you’re caught up in a whirlwind, you:
- Won’t be able to have a strong sense of what’s really going on
- Won’t be able to feel as though your feet are even touching the floor
- Will find that things move so fast, you find yourself simply agreeing
Fast speed confuses people.
And that’s the narcissist’s very design.
Taking Your Time
So what are your choices?
Well, for starters, you need to think about your sense of self. Holding onto it is only possible if you are moving at a speed comfortable for you.
Getting to know the person you’re dating now will make you feel more sincere and—let’s be honest—far more healthy.
It will lead to a more respectful journey between you. If you feel you’re being rushed, look at it as a red flag all by itself.
Nothing is Magical
As wonderful as it is to feel good at the beginning of a relationship, it does no one good to associate those moments with a ‘magical’ feeling.
I am acutely aware that falling in love feels incredible, and it’s one of the finer moments in anybody’s life. What if you looked at it just like that, rather than magic – a concept that leaves the whole relationship and how it flows out of your hands?
Enjoy reality if it brings you positive experiences and feelings. If it doesn’t, stop waiting for the magic.
Be Selective – Not Untrusting
Trust will always need to be there when you begin dating again. It’s like wiping the slate clean and giving somebody new a chance. Carrying trauma or pai from the past into the present will hinder the relationship or any opportunity you get to be happy again.
That being said…
Afford yourself the gift of being selective. Choose carefully, using what you know and are learning to help you.
Nobody Else Will Come Along… Really?
Don’t think for a single moment that another person isn’t going to come along – this time the right one.
You have to think about what you want from somebody. It’s also good at this point to stop trying to justify any kind of bad behavior that you see. Making excuses for people’s behavior is only going to lower your standards and expectations.
Get To Know a New Person Before Jumping In
You owe it to yourself to get to know somebody before you start dating them. It’s a time to show yourself how valuable trust is, and how important it is to earn it before you go to that next level with somebody.
I put this down to self-respect. And by no means am I saying that you don’t respect yourself, but it’s more about learning how respect comes from confidence and self-esteem. If you’ve dated a narcissist, those things are likely to be near zero.
Heal With Discernment
Holding out for the right person is far better than jumping in with both feet and taking another risk. If you can teach yourself the art of discernment, you are already winning.
This is a true gift you can give yourself and one that is likely to save you from future narcissists.
It’ll all be worth it!
