My Boyfriend Is Attracted To Transwomen What Should I Do?

Last Updated on August 18, 2022 by Alexander Burgemeester

Is your boyfriend attracted to Transwomen, and you don’t know what to do?

A man who dates women and takes pride in his masculinity isn’t going to admit he’s attracted to trans women. He won’t tell his friends or the woman he’s dating.

His secret will be kept strictly between him and his four walls. The only reason you found out is probably that you caught him looking at trans women porn or found some incriminating evidence in his wallet.

And so now you’re confused. The first question that will come to mind is, “is my boyfriend gay?” This is a legitimate question because trans women are biologically men.

But it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s homosexual. Anyway, if you want to know what to do after finding out your boyfriend is attracted to trans women, keep reading. 

Finding Out Your Boyfriend Is Attracted To Transgender Women

Cis men attracted to transgender women is not a new phenomenon. It’s been a thing for centuries, it’s just that the word ‘transgender’ wasn’t coined until 1971.

Most women find out their boyfriends are attracted to trans women by accident. They might suspect he’s been cheating and look through his phone or computer to discover he’s been watching trans porn.

Finding Out Your Boyfriend Is Attracted To Transgender Women

It’s clear he didn’t stumble on it by accident because he appears to have logged on to several sites. So now you feel hurt, disgusted, and totally inadequate.

This is not the same as him looking at regular porn, he’s attracted to men who dress up as women, and you’ll never be able to compete with that.

Reading Suggestion: 38 Deep Things to Say to Your Boyfriend

This is how most women feel when they find out their partner is attracted to trans women. Your emotions are perfectly normal, and you’re not alone. 

Is A Man Gay If He Dates A Transgender Woman?

According to sex therapist Dr. Malone, the answer is no.

This question can’t be answered on behalf of all men; however, it appears that the general consensus is that straight men attracted to trans women are not gay.

Is A Man Gay If He Dates A Transgender Woman

There are several reasons for this, including they are attracted to feminine energy, there is no difference in their cis female attraction, and they have never been attracted to men.

Keep reading to find out more. 

#1 They Are Attracted To Feminine Energy

Men who like transgender women are attracted to their feminine energy. Feminine energy is emotional, patient, empathetic, kind, and compassionate.

It’s about embracing creativity and intuition; it’s fluid and free. Some transgender women exude these qualities, and men are drawn to them.

Reading Suggestion: 16 Signs A Guy Is Pretending To Be Straight

Additionally, they take great pride in their physical appearance, which adds to their femininity. 

#2 There Is No Difference In Their Cis Female Attraction

They feel the same type of attraction for transgender women as they do for cis women.

It starts with physical attraction; the transgender woman catches his attention because of her appearance.

There Is No Difference In Their Cis Female Attraction

Whether it’s her hair, eyes, or body shape, something is captivating about her. When he gets to know her, he enjoys her personality, and they have a lot in common.

The journey to attraction is the same, and there is no difference other than if he’s living a double life and people don’t know he’s attracted to transgender women.

Reading Suggestion: What are the signs that a guy is hiding his true feelings from you?

In this case, he probably feels anxious and slightly stressed out about it. Think about it like this. If he were gay, he wouldn’t be attracted to women at all.

Nothing about a female would turn him on. If anything, he would be into transgender men because they look like men and give off masculine energy.

Many straight men attracted to transgender women fear being labeled as gay because they enjoy sleeping with someone with the same genitals as them.

Additionally, research suggests that cis men and trans women’s attraction is actually a sexual orientation in itself.

#3 They Have Never Been Attracted To Men

Because society doesn’t understand this type of attraction, the immediate assumption is that straight men attracted to trans women are gay.

However, they will tell you a different story, and that is he’s always been attracted to women and has never experienced same-sex attraction.

Reading Suggestion: What Is A Pick Me Boy And How To Spot Him

They Have Never Been Attracted To Men

On the surface, this is very confusing because a transgender woman is a biological man. But according to experts, gender has nothing to do with what’s in between a person’s legs; it’s about how they feel.

So if a man feels as if he’s a woman, then he’s a woman. So technically, a straight man attracted to a transgender woman is not attracted to a man. 

Reading Suggestion: How To Tell Your Boyfriend You Love Him?

How To Respond When Your Boyfriend Is Attracted To Transgenders?

You will feel shocked, hurt, and maybe angry when you find out your boyfriend is attracted to transgender women.

How you react is important because it’s a sensitive subject. Don’t judge him. Promise to keep it to yourself and ask him genuine questions about his attraction.

How To Respond When Your Boyfriend Is Attracted To Transgenders?

Keep reading to find out how to respond when your boyfriend is attracted to trans women

#1 Don’t Judge Him

The worst thing you can do when you find out your boyfriend is attracted to transgender women is fly off the handle.

Yes, it will be a shock, especially if you’re not a part of that world and don’t really understand it.

Don’t Judge Him

However, your overreacting won’t help. He didn’t tell you because he was ashamed and afraid of being judged.

Most straight men attracted to trans women would never openly admit it.

Reading Suggestion: 15 Ways to Trigger Hero Instinct in Men

It’s a secret they keep to themselves and the trans women they have relationships with.

They may see trans women escorts or hook up with them on dating sites, but they keep it a secret. 

#2 Promise To Keep It To Yourself

Straight men attracted to trans women constantly fear being found out. They don’t want friends or family to know because it’s not socially acceptable.

Trans people are still fighting for their rights and are not viewed as equal yet. Things may change in the future, but as of now, it’s still taboo.

Promise To Keep It To Yourself

Promising to keep it to yourself will put his mind at rest.

As long as he hasn’t been cheating on you with a trans woman, there’s no need to want to take revenge and out him because of his attraction. 

#3 Ask Him Genuine Questions About His Attraction

If you’re planning on staying in the relationship, the easiest way to come to terms with his attraction is by asking him genuine questions.

You’re so freaked out because you don’t understand it. You imagine all these scenarios in your head, and your mind is playing tricks on you.

Reading Suggestion: If a Man Wants You, He Will Make it Happen

The more you know about his attraction, the easier it will be for you to deal with. 

#4 Ask What He Intends To Do About It

Your boyfriend might find this question strange, but you’ve got the right to know so you can decide whether to stay in the relationship or not.

This is especially important to ask if you found out he’s been communicating with transgender escorts.

Ask What He Intends To Do About It

Now, this is a difficult one because if he’s paid for services before, he might deny it, and if he’s planning on paying for services, he’ll probably deny it.

Listen intently to what he’s got to say, go away and think about it, and trust your instincts.

If you strongly feel he’s lying, it’s time to end the relationship. He doesn’t get special treatment because he cheated with a transgender woman. Cheating is cheating. 

5 Things To Talk About When Your Boyfriend Is Attracted To Transwomen

As mentioned, the more you know about your boyfriend’s attraction to transgender women, the easier it will be for you.

So ask him questions such as what he finds attractive about transgender women?

5 Things To Talk About When Your Boyfriend Is Attracted To Transwomen

Has he slept with a transgender woman? And does he plan on telling anyone about his attraction? 

#1 What He Finds Attractive About Transgender Women?

The reality is that not all transgender women look like women. Some still have very masculine features.

In your mind, you’re trying to figure out why your boyfriend is attracted to these masculine features. He must be gay.

So that you don’t have these thoughts running through your head, you need to know what your man finds attractive about transgender women.

Reading Suggestion: How To Tell Your Boyfriend You Love Him?

He may prefer very feminine transwomen who have had the operation and now have female genitals.

Or it might be a major turn-on that the transgender woman hasn’t had the operation but still looks like a woman. 

#2 Has He Slept With A Transgender Woman?

Since he’s admitted to being attracted to transgender women, hopefully, he’ll admit it if he’s slept with a transgender woman.

For some men, it’s just one of his sexual fantasies, and that’s as far as it goes for them. For others, they’ve gone all the way and experimented sexually with preop and post-op transgender women.

Has He Slept With A Transgender Woman?

If he hasn’t, ask him if he would if he wasn’t in a relationship with you. If he has, ask questions about the experience. Was it the same as being with a woman?

What was the experience like? And was it with an escort or someone he met online?

Reading Suggestion: 245 Sexual Questions to Ask Your Boyfriend

If he feels comfortable enough to answer questions of this nature, get as much information as possible because, at this point, you need to get inside his head and find out what he’s really thinking. 

#3 Does He Plan On Telling Anyone About His Attraction?

The truth is that who he’s attracted to isn’t anyone’s business. But he may feel compelled to tell his nearest and dearest because he’s tired of keeping it a secret.

Now you know, he may feel he has a support network and someone to lean on if he gets the cold shoulder from friends and family.

Because the reality is that most people don’t understand the straight male attraction to transgender women, the immediate assumption is they’re homosexual and attempting to cover up their attraction to men by dating men who look like women. 

#4 When Did He First Realize He Was Attracted to Transgender Women?

As a cis woman attracted to men, you remember the first time you realized you were attracted to boys.

There would have been one boy in particular, and no matter how young you were, you remember everything about him, from his hair color to the pinkie ring he had on his finger.

When Did He First Realize He Was Attracted to Transgender Women?

Your boyfriend will remember the first time he realized he was attracted to transgender women. Ask him about it.

You can also ask whether he embraced his attraction to transgender women immediately or whether it confused him.

Did it make him question his sexuality, knowing he was attracted to someone with the same genitalia as him?

Reading Suggestion: 62 Romantic Questions to Ask Your Partner to Get To Know Each Other

Did he tell any of his friends about it? And how did he meet her? Was it through porn, or did he meet her in person? 

#5 Does He Have Any Transgender Friends?

A lot of straight men join online communities to discuss their attraction to transgender women. It’s a safe space where they get to be themselves without judgment.

Does He Have Any Transgender Friends?

In these groups, he may have made some friends he hasn’t met in person but speaks to online. If he admits to having transgender friends, why not arrange to meet up?

It might start by meeting them online, and once you feel a bit more comfortable, you can meet them in person.

If you’re planning on staying with him, it’s all about getting as familiar as possible with this lifestyle. You want him to feel comfortable enough, so he’s not hiding things from you.

Reading Suggestion: Why do I Want to Bite my Boyfriend?

Your boyfriend has already been living a double life, and if you want to stop it, you’ll need to normalize his attraction to transgender women.

That doesn’t mean you allow him to sleep with them. It just means you’re letting him know you’re fine with his attraction.

Even though he’s with you, he’s still attracted to other women. It just so happens that some of them are trans. 

To Conclude

Now that you know your boyfriend is attracted to transgender women, whether you choose to continue with the relationship is up to you.

Reading Suggestion: He Doesn’t Want a Relationship but Wants to Be Friends

For most women, their main concern is whether their partner is gay. If you’re convinced he’s not after reading this article, you have nothing to worry about.

However, the shock factor is still there, so take your time and consider what you want to do before making a decision. 

Photo of author

Alexander Burgemeester

Alexander Burgemeester has a Master in Neuropsychology. He studied at the University of Amsterdam and has a bachelor's in Clinical Psychology. Want to know more?

2 thoughts on “My Boyfriend Is Attracted To Transwomen What Should I Do?”

  1. Hi Alexander,
    Thank you so much for writing this article, it helps me a lot. I am the new wife of a man I have been with for 15 years. Shortly after we married I accidentally happened upon a text from a Massage/escort. He deleted it immediately saying it was embarrassing. So I started delving into his emails and texts, something I’ve never done befoe, and found that he has had sex with female prostitutes for 30 years and transgender females for 7 years which he admitted to because I could only go back 2 years. I did not shame him per my trans-male friend’s advice. I understand to a degree but I don’t know where to go from here. I asked him if he was gay and he said no he is not, he’s attracted to women, which you plainly explained in your article. I am trying to come to grips with all of this and I think I’ve done a pretty good job of understanding. A little history: we were very hot and heavy when we started dating and then I went through menopause and did not have a sexual desire whatsoever, sadly my hormones were depleted! I got HRT and did a little better for a few years then they stopped working. I’ve also been depressed in varying degrees and finally saw a psychiatrist who got me on track with medication. But this started 30 years ago, before we were together, after his separation from his 2nd wife. So it’s not about me, but it is about me. I neglected him and he was rejected by his 1st 2 wives. As I said, I did not want to shame him and I have not. I just don’t know where to go from here. If you can guide me a little bit, that would be so helpful. Thank you!

  2. I’m going thru a similar situation with my girlfriend and I wish she understood how much I love her and want to spend my life with her my fetishes are just that I’m not hiding anything I’m not gay I’m attracted to woman never look at a man and get turned on but have looked at trans porn an been turned on wish it wasn’t that way but it is


Leave a Comment