With narcissists, there’s only really one way to disarm them. I know your own history of dealing with a narcissist might have looked differently, but ask yourself, did that approach work?
There’s a lot to be said about body language, and I firmly believe if you can get it right, you can disarm any narcissist you meet.
Interested in finding out more?
Well, you’ve come to the right place!
The Golden Bridge
Ideally, you want to push the narcissist back on what I call the golden bridge.
Let me explain what that looks like.
Bridges are meant to be for crossing, and they can get really ratty and busy.
These aspects can make the crossing unpleasant, so what you want to do is always aim to make the bridge golden.
What this means is that you simply don’t make it unpleasant for him. The bridge is friendly.
You’re not creating a negative experience for them when they’re on it, but you still don’t want them to cross it.
So when you inevitably push back in ways I will explain, they will be immediately disarmed with not much to argue about or against.
FOG: Fear, Obligation, Guilt
When a narcissist uses either fear, obligation and guilt against you, it’s time to disarm them.
You don’t need it in your life. Asking yourself what the narcissist wants from you out of those three things is vital in disarming them.
Let’s look at what each one may mean for you.
Fear
If you don’t find a job soon and start paying your way more, I am going to have to leave and you will have no choice.
What if you’re trying really hard to find a job? The world’s climate may not be currently in your favor, but you’re doing the best you can. Using fear against you will only make you more afraid, and more dependent on them for survival.
Obligation
It’s your responsibility to take care of me, so when I ask for my lunch, I expect you to make it for me.
Are you alive for the sole purpose of fulfilling every obligation the narcissist tells you that you have?
To be put in this kind of role means you’re prioritizing the narcissist, and abandoning yourself.
Guilt
Why do you always make everything about you?
Heaven forbid you dare to make one thing about you ever. It may be the only time that week you consider yourself, but you’re made to feel guilty about it when you do.
Stop and Look: What’s Going On?
The idea that somebody can use fear, obligation or guilt against you is a backward way of manipulating you into feeling something that you don’t like or want to feel.
The narcissist feels more powerful, and you give up what they want you to give up.
You might:
Slump your shoulders.
Cower a little.
Walk with your head down.
Stutter as you try to say sorry.
Look fearful as the words they say have an impact on you.
All this body language does is show the narcissist that you are resting to their biting ways.
Non-Confrontational Wins
I always like to think that if you can be as non-confrontational as you can, then that’s how you can push the narcissist off your bridge with minimal retaliation.
“Maybe you didn’t mean to, but it sounded like you’re trying to make me feel guilty there.”
What a sentence.
Saying this in response to their attack on you will totally shut down what they’re trying to do to you.
Saying it like you mean it, but in a friendly way will prove to them that you’re not looking to start an argument, you’re trying to understand.
Confrontation can:
- Enrage the narcissist even more. They won’t like you being so forward, and will naturally defend themselves.
- Ignite their paranoia. What are you trying to do? Why are you attacking them? What have you heard?
- Allow for reassertion. Nobody can be bolder than the narcissist, least of all you. If you try to be, they’re going to peg you down more than a few notches. They might say things like, “Do you know who you’re talking to?”, or “Don’t you know who I am?” These are such obvious signs that a narcissist’s status has been pulled into question – by none other than you!
- Open doors for punishment. If you dare, they will double dare. It’s just something to watch out for, as it’s a position many victims find themselves in at some point or another.
Using The Off-Switch
It’s a necessary switch to have and be able to control, for sure. The off switch will not only protect you, but it will stop any form of conflict from building even more so.
You don’t want to get into it, that’s the bottom line. Narcissists can make it seem impossible for there to be any other way sometimes, and I appreciate and am also familiar with that.
You will fuel and arm them further if you keep the switch on, or what I like to call:
Engage to enrage.
It’s better to just flick the switch off, and step away.
They Don’t Get To Take It From You
As I inform, I also like to empower, leading me to this last point.
Narcissists will extract everything from you until there’s nothing left to give. They will gladly and openly steal your joy, your thoughts, your compassion and your loyalty, while leaving you with an empty return.
These are the traits that make victims keep chasing. They wait, and hope for something different to come of the relationship.
They think that if they keep giving, the narcissist will be thankful, and love them more. And any time any love is shown, the victim thinks, “I did it!”
Victims stand with their arms wide open, always waiting for that sweet embrace.
That embrace is never going to come, but victims continue to stand in anticipation, with aching arms and feet.
It’s time you knew the price for their theft.
It’s you. All you are, and all you stand for.
They don’t get to take it all from you. The golden bridge exists because you put a lot of effort into making it beautiful.
The narcissist has to be met on that bridge with a non-confrontational approach to keep them pacified and to totally disarm them.
So, let today be the day you decide to disarm a narcissist anytime they try to FOG you.
Any fear, obligation or guilt they try to project onto you deserves to be shown the door – and quickly.
