With narcissists, there’s only really one way to disarm them. I know your own history of dealing with a narcissist might have looked differently, but ask yourself, did that approach work?

There’s a lot to be said about body language, and I firmly believe if you can get it right, you can disarm any narcissist you meet.

Interested in finding out more?

Well, you’ve come to the right place!

The Golden Bridge

Ideally, you want to push the narcissist back on what I call the golden bridge.

Let me explain what that looks like.

Bridges are meant to be for crossing, and they can get really ratty and busy.

These aspects can make the crossing unpleasant, so what you want to do is always aim to make the bridge golden.

What this means is that you simply don’t make it unpleasant for him. The bridge is friendly.

You’re not creating a negative experience for them when they’re on it, but you still don’t want them to cross it.

So when you inevitably push back in ways I will explain, they will be immediately disarmed with not much to argue about or against. 

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FOG: Fear, Obligation, Guilt

When a narcissist uses either fear, obligation and guilt against you, it’s time to disarm them.

You don’t need it in your life. Asking yourself what the narcissist wants from you out of those three things is vital in disarming them. 

Let’s look at what each one may mean for you. 

Fear

If you don’t find a job soon and start paying your way more, I am going to have to leave and you will have no choice.

What if you’re trying really hard to find a job? The world’s climate may not be currently in your favor, but you’re doing the best you can. Using fear against you will only make you more afraid, and more dependent on them for survival. 

Obligation

It’s your responsibility to take care of me, so when I ask for my lunch, I expect you to make it for me.

Are you alive for the sole purpose of fulfilling every obligation the narcissist tells you that you have? 

To be put in this kind of role means you’re prioritizing the narcissist, and abandoning yourself. 

Guilt

Why do you always make everything about you?

Heaven forbid you dare to make one thing about you ever. It may be the only time that week you consider yourself, but you’re made to feel guilty about it when you do.

Stop and Look: What’s Going On?

The idea that somebody can use fear, obligation or guilt against you is a backward way of manipulating you into feeling something that you don’t like or want to feel.

The narcissist feels more powerful, and you give up what they want you to give up. 

You might:

Slump your shoulders.

Cower a little.

Walk with your head down.

Stutter as you try to say sorry.

Look fearful as the words they say have an impact on you. 

All this body language does is show the narcissist that you are resting to their biting ways. 

Non-Confrontational Wins

I always like to think that if you can be as non-confrontational as you can, then that’s how you can push the narcissist off your bridge with minimal retaliation.

“Maybe you didn’t mean to, but it sounded like you’re trying to make me feel guilty there.”

What a sentence. 

Saying this in response to their attack on you will totally shut down what they’re trying to do to you.

Saying it like you mean it, but in a friendly way will prove to them that you’re not looking to start an argument, you’re trying to understand. 

Confrontation can:

• Enrage the narcissist even more. They won’t like you being so forward, and will naturally defend themselves.
• Ignite their paranoia. What are you trying to do? Why are you attacking them? What have you heard?
• Allow for reassertion. Nobody can be bolder than the narcissist, least of all you. If you try to be, they’re going to peg you down more than a few notches. They might say things like, “Do you know who you’re talking to?”, or “Don’t you know who I am?” These are such obvious signs that a narcissist’s status has been pulled into question – by none other than you!
• Open doors for punishment. If you dare, they will double dare. It’s just something to watch out for, as it’s a position many victims find themselves in at some point or another. 

Using The Off-Switch

It’s a necessary switch to have and be able to control, for sure. The off switch will not only protect you, but it will stop any form of conflict from building even more so. 

You don’t want to get into it, that’s the bottom line. Narcissists can make it seem impossible for there to be any other way sometimes, and I appreciate and am also familiar with that. 

You will fuel and arm them further if you keep the switch on, or what I like to call:

Engage to enrage.

It’s better to just flick the switch off, and step away. 

They Don’t Get To Take It From You

As I inform, I also like to empower, leading me to this last point. 

Narcissists will extract everything from you until there’s nothing left to give. They will gladly and openly steal your joy, your thoughts, your compassion and your loyalty, while leaving you with an empty return. 

These are the traits that make victims keep chasing. They wait, and hope for something different to come of the relationship.

They think that if they keep giving, the narcissist will be thankful, and love them more. And any time any love is shown, the victim thinks, “I did it!”

Victims stand with their arms wide open, always waiting for that sweet embrace. 

That embrace is never going to come, but victims continue to stand in anticipation, with aching arms and feet. 

It’s time you knew the price for their theft. 

It’s you. All you are, and all you stand for. 

They don’t get to take it all from you. The golden bridge exists because you put a lot of effort into making it beautiful.

The narcissist has to be met on that bridge with a non-confrontational approach to keep them pacified and to totally disarm them.

So, let today be the day you decide to disarm a narcissist anytime they try to FOG you.

Any fear, obligation or guilt they try to project onto you deserves to be shown the door – and quickly. 

How Do Narcissists Manipulate Their Partners?

Narcissists are happiest when they have a partner they can twist, manipulate and control.

They love to be part of something where everybody else is smaller and less powerful than they are. Their lives have meaning, just as they feel they should daily.

There are specific ways a narcissist will manipulate their partners, though. As troubling as it may sound, these are textbook ways – and that’s where you need to pay close attention.

If this sounds like your situation, that’s because it likely is.

“My Reality is Fact!”

The reality is that you’re being manipulated by someone who has had much practice. They’ve been exactly where they are now, except with different victims. 

“You’re Nothing!”

Being told how worthless you are does a few things.

For the narcissist, it brings them to a new level of control and manipulation. If you hear something enough times, you will start to believe it. 

You believe it even more when you’re treated that way alongside those words. 

It’s all a tactic, created to destroy your hopes and dreams, your identity, and how you carry yourself each day. 

Where you once stood tall, you now slouch and try to be invisible.

That’s exactly how the narcissist wants you. 

“It’s Your Fault, Not Mine!”

Narcissists project to get whatever they’ve done wrong out of the light. They don’t want their faults or inappropriate actions to be spotted, and so they throw you out there instead.

So everybody looks at you. The narcissist looks at you as if they feel let down by you. 

And you feel that shame, because you take it on. And you take it on because they’ve pushed it so far into you that you have no choice. 

This design is set up to get them off the hook.

Thank God you are there for them to treat you this way – without you – they just might look like the bad guy.

Phew for them!

“…”

That’s right, the good old silent treatment. The way narcissists do this is by completely shutting down and ignoring you. 

If you’ve experienced it, I don’t need to tell you how uncomfortable it is. It induces panic, fear and worry, and like all things narcissists do, it is unnecessary. 

The silent treatment acts to give you nothing at all, so it’s easy for the narcissist to say, “Well, I didn’t say anything horrible. I wasn’t mean,” Then make excuses for them being quiet. 

When you’ve been given the silent treatment, you are left to your own insecure devices.

What did I do wrong?

How can I fix this?

What can I do to make them happy?

I must be a terrible person.

What’s going to happen next?

Do you need this?

No.

Yet they make it so prevalent in your world. 

It isn’t fair. 

“I Must Cause Fallout”

 What is life without a little drama? Actually, it’s quite nice. But then again, I’m speaking as an emotionally healthy person, and not a narcissist. 

The idea that drama is of such greedy interest to the narcissist is one that never fails to shock me. Why would anybody want to be in the middle of so much negativity?

Narcissists do. As people and emotions explode around them, they can act and do what they like and not be seen to be doing anything wrong at all.

Be careful here – narcissists want to pull strings to see a certain dynamic. 

If you’re a part of that, you will suffer. 

“Poor Me…”

The victim mentality of a narcissist can stop the most believing people in their tracks.

It’s all been too much for me.

I try my best.

I don’t know what I do wrong to upset people. 

I wish people would understand me.

These phrases tug at the heartstrings of those who want to give them the benefit of the doubt, and sadly – yes – it works. 

Narcissists always want to look as though they’re being wronged.

This injects:

• Guilt
• Shame
• Self-blame
• Self-loathing
• Insecurity
• Worry
• Anxiety
• Depression

In their partners, and they know this. 

They just don’t care.  

“Bringing You Back, Get Ready!”

Let’s take you back to a time where we were so in love, and everything was perfect!

We are so great, you and me. It was us against the world!

Think about all that passion we had. You’re never going to be able to find that anywhere else.

Oh, the manipulation game is strong with these kinds of phrases. They love getting you at your most vulnerable, reflecting on the distorted nostalgia between you.

It’s enough to make you paint over all the cracks in between, isn’t it? And there were a lot of those. 

What’s manipulative about this is the narcissist’s attempt to invite you to ignore their abuse, and only focus on the good (which was likely to have felt magical!) 

Don’t get sucked into this black hole.

“I Will Tell Everybody!”

Uh-oh. What’s that supposed to mean?

I think you and I both know this is not going to end well with you,

Narcissists will tell whoever listens what a horrible person you are and how you wronged them. They may stretch as far as saying that you are the cheater, you hurt them, you spread lies about them and you’re the manipulative one. 

It’s frustrating for victims, but beyond that, it’s absolutely destructive. 

Suddenly, your reputation is in tatters. It’s all based on the false word of the narcissist, who, by the way, is likely loving seeing your house of bricks fall down while their house of cards remains. 

“Nice, But Not!”

You go out, they act like the perfect partner.

You get home, and they ignore you.

You did this wrong, you did that wrong, you didn’t pay them enough attention, you flirted with that person.

Whatever it is, the charm will switch off. The mask will inevitably slip.

This is where the narcissist has learned not just to manipulate you but also to manipulate everybody else, too. They all think, “What a nice person. They’re such a good couple.”

Also the best one, 

“You’re so lucky to have them as your partner!”

Oh boy, if only they knew the truth, right? 

The truth is, you aren’t lucky. The narcissist is just very clever. They know buttons to press, when to press them, who to press them with, and they are always ready for it. 

You on the other hand then find it even more difficult to convince people of the truth.

This is the sole reason why narcissists manipulate – to make you look like the crazy one eventually, and for them to be the victim.