Unfortunately, narcissists don’t introduce themselves as narcissists. Life would be a lot easier if they did, right?
It’d mean we could run a mile before they are able to say another word and avoid their abuse altogether.
I want to ask you to do me a favor though, and it’s not often I reach out to you like this.
I want you to be careful with people who ask you probing questions.
There’s a reason why they are trying to price information out of you, so let’s look at the why.
Explain…
Okay. You’re probably wanting to know a little more about what I mean by probing questions.
Simply put, probing questions may appear on the surface as deep and personal, but they aren’t.
They’re direct and they are opportunities for you to give out personal information about yourself potentially early on into getting to know somebody.
The person doesn’t want to get to know you, they want to get to know about you.
Your answers to their questions will help them understand how you operate, how you deal with life, how you don’t deal well with life, and from that, they will be able to figure out exactly how to treat you.
You’re being assessed
As much as I hate to break it to you, that’s what it is. It’s like sitting down for an interview at a police station, rather than having a nice, friendly chat with a potential partner or friend.
They lace your time together with probing questions which allows them to tap into your innermost vulnerabilities.
Here are some examples:
What’s your biggest fear?
What’s the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you?
What’s your trauma?
What do you hate the most about other people?
What do you love the most about other people?
You’re sitting there thinking, “Wow. This person really wants to get to know me.
They are so interested in my life and are giving me all this attention. I really feel loved and wanted.”
And so, it all spills out. You give that information willingly because you want to feed their interest in you.
The job interview
Unknowingly, you’re applying for a job. Your job is to allow that person to use and abuse you, taking advantage of everything you’ve given them.
You don’t know you’re in an interview, but if a person is asking you these kinds of questions one after the other, they’re ensuring you tick their boxes.
If you tick their boxes, you will be perfect for the next goodness knows how much time under their power and control – perfect (for them, at least).
You’re being scammed
Ultimately, that’s what’s happening here. Think about it. If you really wanted to get to know somebody, would it not happen a lot more naturally?
Things would crop up in conversation the more you got to know them, rather than feeling like you have to pass some kind of vulnerability test before you can take the next step with them.
And I know, it won’t feel like a scam if the other person is gazing into your eyes and hanging on to your every word.
They will buy you whatever drink you want and intermittently compliment you as you lay down your answers.
People like this want to know how you think, what you fear, how strong you are or aren’t, and what your opinions are on certain subjects. Al before you’ve even ended the first date.
Mapping, not knowing
Wanting to know about somebody will present naturally over the course of time.
You can’t meet them and find it all out within a few weeks, months, or even years.
Narcissists get a strong idea of the person they’re wanting to probe with questions initially.
They will look at body language to ascertain self-esteem, and watch you as you answer them in conversation as to how you carry yourself and what you think about having attention on you.
It’ll be the only time you feel this admired and interesting, but it’s only so the narcissist can map you, not get to know you.
They’re plotting all their games on you, ensuring they have exactly what they need.
If they know you fear being ignored, they will tap into that intermittently the longer you’re with them by ignoring your calls, blocking you, or pretending you don’t exist when you’re out together.
They don’t want to know what makes your heart warm, they want to know what makes you flinch.
It’s in your hands
The point where you meet somebody new is always in your hands. You’re approached in a bar on a night out.
They’re gorgeous, and they carry themselves with such confidence and gravitas. Immediately, you want to be around them.
If they treat themselves with this much self-assurance, they surely will treat you the same, right?
They swoon over to you, and throw a compliment your way before offering to buy you a drink.
Suddenly, you’re being treated not just like the only person in the room, but the only person in the world.
Right there.
That’s when you make a decision. You give them the benefit of the doubt before conversation ramps up, because you never know.
But I urge you to be rightly cautious as they start to ask questions.
Even if you agree to a date, and go on a few to see how you feel, you must always feel as though you hold the power as to where this goes.
Trust comes with time
The advice when getting to know somebody is to do just that, in time. There’s no use in jumping quickly into situations where you’re handing over the most vulnerable aspects of you.
You may have come from the kind of background that tolerated a lot of abuse, or neglect growing up.
If your family dynamic is complicated, or you experienced trauma in your earlier years, those are the kinds of topics that will come up naturally the more you get to know a person.
But the thing with time is that it also builds trust. Without one, you cannot have the other.
Narcissists don’t like time. They prefer to do everything quickly with you when they first meet you to blindside you and hook you in quickly.
They want that magnetized feeling to hit you, so you feel swept off your feet.
They do not like taking things slowly. They get bored, and won’t want to wait for you to warm up to them. If it isn’t instant, they go elsewhere.
So make sure that’s the direction you head in when you meet somebody.
Those probing questions shouldn’t be pointed in your direction, and if they are, you should know that they’re coming from a person who is wanting to eventually chip away at you, rather than wanting to know you for who you are.
There is a danger in giving all your information to somebody whom you don’t know what they will do with it.
The sooner you learn that, the sooner you can work to protect yourself from future narcissists.
They’re everywhere, trust me.
Stay safe!
