Wanting a mother who loves and cares for you is something we all wish we had. Unfortunately for some (probably more people than you think), it’s never going to be possible.
Not because they lost their mom, but because she is a living, breathing narcissist.
It feels like the same thing though, right? Accepting she is a narcissist is tough, but realizing that certain things won’t change when you do is even worse.
Here are 9 things that won’t change when you finally admit you’ve got a toxic mom.
#1 Her behavior toward you
When you wake up to the fact that you have a narcissistic mother, it can create so much inner conflict for you.
All this time you were dealing with somebody so toxic, but really you had no idea what it all meant, and why.
Once you accept the truth, there might be a part of you that thinks, “This is where she can change and see the error of her ways.”
Don’t do it to yourself. You’re just setting out to punish yourself further.
Her behavior toward you will remain the same until the day she dies, in fact, the older they get, the worse they can become.
Knowing who she really is won’t cause any shift in her treatment of you, or how she makes you feel.
Knowing is nothing more than awareness.
#2 Your need to grieve
When we think of grief, we assume to be talking about a person who has passed away, but that’s not the case, and it’s not talked about often enough.
Grief can also be reserved for the living, especially when you no longer have a relationship with somebody, or if you don’t have the relationship you’d hoped for.
Accepting that your mom is a narcissist will feel like waves washing over you.
Some days will be harder to stay afloat than others, but ultimately, it’s also about accepting what will never be.
You’ll never have the connection you want. You won’t be able to go to her for advice unless you want to make it all about her.
You will never be able to trust her. Grieving what you never had while that person is still alive is so tough to navigate.
#3 Your struggle with self-doubt and guilt
You want that magic wand to wave over you and make everything better now you know the truth, but benefiting from knowing it changes nothing instantly.
Grappling with self-doubt and guilt were ways your narcissistic mom got you under control and manipulated you over the years.
Undoing that is never an overnight task, and it will be something you always second guess.
It’s not impossible to overcome, but reverting to the guilt emotion will be much easier for those who come from narcissistic households than those who do not.
Just because you now are fully aware of her character, doesn’t mean you will be free from everything she’s put you through.
#4 Your family not believing you
So you see and accept her for who she truly is, but your family is not on your journey. They sit with their own levels of consciousness and awareness, and that can hit hard.
You want people to see your mom from your own eyes, but unfortunately narcissists are renowned for treating everybody differently.
You may have a sibling who was treated as the golden child and will never be able to empathize with you and your own experiences of your mom.
Having them not believe you is something you should learn to accept and live with.
Don’t try to change the perception of others. And who knows, maybe they do know but aren’t ready to accept it themselves.
You can only hope that someday, they will.
#5 You might still crave her approval
Approval is something you will have always craved from your narcissistic mom, whether you’d like to admit it or not.
We all want to know we’re doing a good job, or that we are making good choices.
When you get nothing from that very person who birthed you, you can spend your life still trying to get it.
I want you to know that this is a normal part of discovering your mom is narcissistic.
Not everything will change for you overnight, and that habit of wanting her to be happy for you will remain in existence.
In time, it can fade. When you learn to live how you want, without needing her nod of approval, that’s when you’re truly winning.
And let’s be honest. Did you ever really get that nod of approval?
I don’t think you did.
#6 She won’t suddenly acknowledge this truth
As hard as it is for you to get your head around, it’s also difficult for your mom to see that you’ve come to this new level of enlightenment.
You’ve grown up just going along with her treatment of you because you didn’t know any better, and now here you are having to accept that it was all so dysfunctional.
You were led into that fray blindly, and now you have to face the truth.
Does your mom? Probably not. Although she will understand that this is what you think of her, and I think in this instance, what you think is enough.
#7 Your boundaries
Boundaries are incredibly hard to maintain when you have a narcissist around you, let alone a narcissistic mom.
This is the one person who feels they own you and have a right to you just because they carried you and grew you into a human for 9 months.
I don’t think that should be taken lightly, do you? Accepting she is a narcissist won;t suddenly make your boundaries change, you have to do that work yourself.
I firmly believe this is possible, even before you come to that realization.
Nobody promises your mom will like it, but that’s just a tough part of life she has to suck up, isn’t it?
#8 Your triggers
Your triggers weren’t always there, and there’s every chance the one person who caused them is the person who this topic is about!
With that being said, what choice do you have now? Acceptance alone won’t wash your life of what pains you or keeps you on high alert, but with the right help, support and information, you can overcome huge portions of the pain you experience.
I want you to know how possible this is, and I don’t say that lightly.
Your triggers do not have to become a permanent part of your identity.
#9 Your healing
Narcissism is what it is, with or without the label. With the label will really help you see clearly. Without it can still mean you heal.
Your healing isn’t determined by how much you accept your mom is a narcissist.
You can go on that journey as you see fit, and I really hope that you do because without healing, you are forever stuck in the dynamic and feeling that you’re not good enough.
If you can see this opportunity as a chance for you to be who you really want to be, then I firmly believe you can stand confidently in yourself enough to feel proud.
